Quick update: All last week H came straight home from work. Saturday he was home by 1:00 - hasn't done that in almost a year! Had a nice relaxing weekend. H came straight home again Tues. and Wed. Seems like maybe H and OW have ended!!!
Now, the question is; how do we renew our intimacy? Is he just not attracted to me or is it residual feelings for OW or guilt or a combination of all three?
Jokerman, if your out there, maybe you could help with this question.
I give him a hug at bedtime but sometimes it seems forced. Lately I have just not done anything. Like when I leave for work, I would normally give him a hug and a kiss but it doesn't feel like he wants me to, so I don't.
Good to hear from you again, I was beginning to wonder where you were! If your H has truly broken it off, I think you would be wise to hold your horses and be patient as can be. He is likely going through a period of withdrawal, and this is a rough time where NOTHING you do will make him feel what you want him to. In fact, I think that if you try and foster intimacy now, you might play into his self doubt. Just be yourself, focus on yourself and allow him to travel this portion of the road as he needs to. Be open to being a part of it, but don't try and make anything happen, you will only hurt yourself in the process because your experience will go against your expectations. Give it time and give him space.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Thanks Muddle, It's just that sometimes I feel like my patience is wearing thin. Then I start to resent the fact that he betrayed me and question my sanity in trying to save my M. Why would I try so hard to be with someone who wants to be with someone else?
I know that things between us will NEVER be the same. OW will always be an elephant in the room. She will always represent something to me and probably to my H as well. I don't think that I will ever fully forgive my H, what he did hurt me more than words can express. In time, I guess that hurt will subside and I will be able to let go of it and move on but I sure don't feel like my H truly loves me. I feel like he settled for me; like since he can't leave his life and kids he is stuck with me and I can't help feeling like we are going to coexist in a loveless marriage forever.
Then you need to stop feeding the hurt and resentment and start thinking about what it will look like when your husband loves you. Think about what your marriage will be like when it's full of love. What will indicate that it's there, or that you're closer to your goal? It doesn't sound magical or incredibly emotional, but it's straight out of the books. It's why we're all here, because we believe this method works. So give it a try, and once you have a clear picture of this (WRITE IT DOWN) and your H is in a place where he's receptive to it, communicate this to him. Negotiate it. Set goals so you both are aware of your progress and intentions and work towards the same end - your mutual happiness together.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse."
I know it is hard to forgive and move on but it is probably far better to just accept what happenned and see what you can do about making your marriage happy...make him wonder why the hell he even had the A in the first place when he has a wonderful W and family at home. Do not focus on the actual A as the problem but the true problems in your relationship as the issue...fix the relationship issues and hopefully all will be solved. (I know easier said than done...and your relationship IS forever changed...but make those changes for the better!)
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
I have been missing you. I am sorry to see you are hurting right now. I am in the process of getting a special private e-mail address set up on my computer so I can write to you. That will be fun! I have some thoughts about your sitch, though to post here for now.
What you are going through is sooooo normal. It is often when the WAS returns that the LBS starts questioning what did I do this for? Because it doesn't get easier right away. It gets harder. H is back, so what? I feel like doodoo is how it goes. I could do better. Blah blah. But three months ago, reading anyone else's sitch you would have given anything for this chance to revitalize your M.
Your H loves you. But seriously, how much will depend on YOU. I am not kidding. The vizualization thing suggested earlier is right on. Pay attention to your thoughts, because you will create what happens from what you think will happen. Want a happy marriage? Start picturing all of the aspects of what that would look like. Write it down. Collage it. Your M will never be what it was before, but truly that is the good news. You have a chance now, from the ashes of the dysfunction of what was, to CREATE something. What do you want to create? It starts with you. And don't blame H if you're not hugging him in the morning. Just think about how he might respond if you wrote him one of those little notes, then got up in the am and said "I just want to give you a hug, because you're so great!" Some stuff is just irristable, you know? But don't expect anything, do what you want to do and let go of the expectation about the outcome. I have had a big internal breakthrough about this this week, and I will post to my thread later tonight. But I can tell you, I am back in action, and my future is up to me. I want you with me Mama! You have worked too hard to give in to cynicicism and resignation now. So what if your H came back initially for the kids or the family life? YOU are irristable if you say so. And it will show up that way. Do you get that? You are one of the finest women I have had the privilege to come into contact with. Loyal, kind, loving, fun loving, all of that. Time to shine Mama.
What are you going to do for yourself today?
I've gotta go, I'll write more later. Just wanted you to know that it's time to pump up the volume, not to pull up the covers. You can do this Mama! It's not about him. I am rooting for you.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Jokerman, If my H is anything like you, which I believe you share a lot of the same qualities and characteristics, then I will take what you say at face value; H still has leftover feelings for OW but at the same time (because I am so wonderful ) feels guilty about what he has done.
We haven't been intimate since November (bomb was dropped in Oct of 2005), H said he "just couldn't". We now cannot seem to connect at all . It's funny because when we were dating and engaged our friends and family would say "stop with the PDA! (public displays of affection). We couldn't get enough of eachother. Tonight though, when he went to bed he made a point of coming to me and giving me a hug goodnight .
PL, you are so kind! Words cannot express what a wonderful person you are. Your words made me realize what a wonderful person I am too, what a great life I have and how much I have to be thankful for. This site is so precious to me as I have made so many friends, that are for real. I don't believe I have come across anyone that was full of $&it, ya know? What I really wish for now is for H to open up to me. I don't see how we can work on our R if he won't talk to me. He seems to have a real problem with the fact that I was married before and the lifestyle he "thinks" I led. Because my first H left me he feels that I married him on the rebound. He feels like if my first H never left me I would still be married to him. How many different ways can I tell him that that marriage was doomed from the start and would have ended no matter what? When I met my H, he saved my soul, he showed me that there are good people in this world. He made me realize that I could have a relationship with someone who shared the same ideas, morals, goals and dreams as I did. Why can't he understand this? How do I get him to understand this? He feels like second best, this is so far from the truth. If I had to pick anyone on this earth to be the father of my 3 children, it would be him; he is a wonderful, loving, fun and caring Dad! No one could replace him, ever. There is no one that I would want to go through the rest of my life with either. We have already been through so much together; as I stated earlier I have had 2 miscarriages and 1 stillborn. My H was the most loving and supportive person in the world. I cannot fathom having anyone else sharing that pain with me.
Anyway, as much as it hurts sometimes; it doesn't hurt near as much as it did this past winter when he was staying out all night doing God knows what, right? I am very gratful that he has decided to stay in this M. I will continue to live my life and be the best wife and mother I can be without shoving it in his face, if you know what I mean. The last thing I want to do is make him feel even more uncomforable. God I love this man! I hope some day down the road I am here giving advice and telling my happy ending story!!
****when he went to bed he made a point of coming to me and giving me a hug goodnight
That's great!
I assume that any contact with you physically will remind him of the guilt that he is already burdened with. That is not to say he does not want to be intimate; it's just flooded with emotions...bad ones.
Keep on puggin StrongBear. Your marriage is where it is now because of YOU! Be proud!!!
) feels guilty about what he has done.
. It's funny because when we were dating and engaged our friends and family would say "stop with the PDA! (public displays of affection). We couldn't get enough of eachother. Tonight though, when he went to bed he made a point of coming to me and giving me a hug goodnight