Anyhow, H and I went to the concert last night. Had a good time till the ride home. Dr Jekyl came out. H said he didn't want to see the B-52's after all as it reminded him of my old life. I of course, got defensive and said ya know, if you want to leave me, just go. What's holding you back? He said he didn't want to leave me or our kids. He said he wouldn't give us up for anything or anyone. He said the grass isn't greener and that any two people will have conflicts. He said he loved me and he loved our kids and was committed to our life together. I of course pushed too far and we were yelling. He said he was tired and didn't want to talk anymore he said why do I keep pressing him. I said I just want our R to get better and I feel like we are stuck. He said he felt that our R was getting better and to give him time for us to be intimate again. (That is the jist of the conversation, if I remember anything else of importance I will post again)
This morning he left for work later than usual. I suspect it is because he is not rendevousing with OW in the morning like he probably used to. We hugged eachother (I initiated) and both apologized for yelling.
I am so mad at myself for fighting with him, if H and OW did break up I am supposed to be enticing him with my uncondtional love; which I did up until the end of the night. Why couldn't I have just kept my mouth shut. Why didn't I just validate that I was sorry that we went to see that group and leave it at that. I swear I am my own worst enemy!!! I am the one sabatoging our R!!! Somebody slap me!
You know, sometimes expressing anger by yelling and screaming IS love - you care enough to try and change things. It's also a sign that you are secure in his love. Don't kick yourself. Put a positive spin on it and move on.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Ok, I know I shouldn't have but I looked online and saw that he talked to someone this morning for about 20 minutes. Ughh!!!!!! I pushed him right back to her.
I tried calling him but no answer. I called again just now and he answered but sounded cold and distant. I apologized for yelling and said the last thing I want to do is push you farther away. He said don't worry about it, he didn't want to see that band and should have been more clear about it. I told him to me it didn't really matter what band was playing it was the fact that we were alone doing something together. He said he is just really tired and crabby today.
I also know I probably shouldn't have, but I asked him if he was going out after work. He said he was going to go rollerblading. I then reminded him that I have an interview at 5:00. (Wish me luck by the way, I really need to get out of here and get a life away from the madness) Who knows if he is really rollerblading, or going to talk to HER. I guess I cannot control that. I am just so upset at myself. I am selfish and immature and never think before I speak. I feel like I have backslid back so far that I am sinking in quiksand and cannot get out
Mama, In my sitch things started getting better just after I yelled and sreamed and went apes*** on her! I didn't know I could use the F word in so many creative ways. I layed it all out for her. Do I regret it? No Way! I might have expressed certain thoughts a little differently than I did then but she got to see how much this A disturbed me. I had been using the level headed, don't screw it up kind of approach until then. She said "I thought you didn't want to handle it like this "(meaning yelling etc). I said "I guess I changed my F'ing mind, didn't I" . You could call it a 180 because I never carry on like that. So its not the end of the world, Mama. You are human and you showed it. It could actually be a good thing sometimes. It brings them back to earth and they get to see the pain they are causing through their actions. Let them deal with the real world once in a while. Just don't let loose everyday!
Update....for anyone who is STILL following me after almost 10 months.
H came home Sat. around 2:00 - very sweaty. He did go rollerblading, like he said; 12 miles according to him. Did he stop beforehand and talk with her, I don't know - nor do I care.
I went on my job interview and guess what? I start tomorrow!!!! I am so excited!! Funny thing, the guy that interviewed me said I would fit in cause the waitresses were between 21 and 35 - news flash, I'm 43! He also warned me about another manager and some customers because I was "attractive". This was all I needed to here. It really went along way in making me feel better about myself.
The rest of the weekend was really very uneventful, just family stuff. I have zero expectations at this point. What ever happens, happens.
Thanks to all that have been following me. I appreciate so much your perspective on things. And by the way, if you know me I should be PMS'ing any day now so my mood will probably swing way to the other side in about a week so slap me when it does. Thanks in advance.
I'm suffering with sinus pressure so I have nothing to offer but a hug. WOO! and you're a HOT mama. Watch out on the job, sista! It's nice to feel attractive after such a drought, isn't it? I felt the same way when I went back to work this year as well. (just be careful, I am vigilant about crossing flirtation lines!)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Here is the first two lines of my horoscope for today:
Quote: Maybe your relationship isn't exactly where you want it to be, or perhaps a certain lack of progress is frustrating you. Rome wasn't built in a day; choose one little thing to work on to begin.
Interesting....who writes these things?
Update; I started my new job yesterday. It is great, just what I needed. I work again on Wednesday night.
I sense that maybe things between H and OW are over. No admission by H or anything but just a feeling I have and my gut instincts have been pretty right in the past. If so, then I really need to prove to him that he made the right choice. Since H has decided that he is not going to talk to me about what happened I am going to have to make darn sure that he gets all the love and attention he needs from me so this never happens again.
Yaaaaaaaaaa MAMA!!!! Great news on the job. I really think it will help you get out of your funk. I know my W would REALLY benefit from that too but so far has not taken that step.
Hey there!!! Sorry for the long time in posting to your thread, thanks for always hopping to mine and checking in!
WOW...congrats on the job!!! You GO!!! I remember the early days (sometime in May??) that we talked about this as your kids got out of school, summer started and your babysitting jobs were looking bleak. Here you are, with a FAB job. I think it will be great for your PMA to be out of the house, and with new people and less time to focus on sitting at home wondering.
I know that you'll do wonders at home with H. Keep it up...just this last 2 months with your talks...it's more than he's revealed to you this entire year....he's opening up, admitting and who knows what is going on with him or went on. Just keep your chin up and I know things are turning the bend for you. One step at a time. You can do this. In his owntime, he will come to you and tell you what went on.
