The past week has been really enlightening for me about me. I have grown leaps and bounds in my sitch from the beginning until now. I have developed some good friendships on the boards here and have been told that I have progressed a long way since the beginning, but especially in the past 2-1/2 to 3 months.
Most recently, I was 'treated' to a RED FLAG by my lying, cheating W. When I confirmed AGAIN that she was continuing on in her affair despite repeated denials and lies I had the courabe and need to tell her that she is TOXIC and that her behavior has shown that she lacks character & integrity. I also told her that her behavior has also shown me that shse is a chronic liar and that I no longer trust her.
I told her that since we work together, I'd have to talk to her at work but woild strictly limit those conversations to work topics. Same thing for our children. I told her that we'd have to toalk about our children, but I'd limit our conversations to topices directly related to our childrens' care. Additionally, I UNinvited her to my trip to Disneyland with our children.
I have grown strong enough to NO LONGER give a sh*t what is going to piss off my W. Don't get me wrong, I still VERY CAREFULLY choose what I am going to say AND I rehearse it ahead of time so I am able to say exactly what I need to say and what I believe she needs to hear without sh*tty tone, jerky inflections/body language and/or raising my voice unnecessarily. You see, I don't want to hurt her, I have simply stopped feeding into her bullsh*t and being a co-dependent wimp of a husband. I speck TRUTH to her with loving detachment; no emotion, just FACT!
What I have been telling myself from quite some time now is that I am not concerned with the degree of anger and/or hate she has for me. She's lost and her F-ed up emotions NO LONGER rule me and determine my behavior and actions. I finally FEEL the thoght and it is real for me. I am free of my own damn behavioral shackles and am determining my own destiny.
I am have been able to do this because of this BB and all of you, but mostly with the help of AmyC's spiritual guidance, encouragement and proddingand Frank_D's unwavering belief in my ability to be The Superior Man . Strangely, I had the ability all along to guide myself spiritually, emotionally, and behaviorally but I was so f*cking paralyzed in my M and in trying to hold it together that I didn't even realize that I surrendered my balls to my W when we first go together and I neglected to retrieve them and place them back in my dman pants where they belong. Funny thing happened when Frank's direction and admonition sunk in, and I mean REALLY sunk in! I acted on it and, like magic, my fears and hesitation to act and speak truth to my W disappeared. I am free of so much BS that I shackled myself with for so long.
Interesting story about telling my W that she is a toxic person was that the conversation happened on the phone. I was pretty certain she would hang up on me, as is her regular M.O. when a aconversation does not go as she wishes. Well, she didn't hang up; she actually listened to EVERYTHING, ALL of that naked truth. At one point, she began trying to refute/lie to me and I calmly told her that my feelings/truth are NOT up for discussino nor debate and I would appreciate it if she would just listen and then contemplate what I told her. Amazingly, she did so! Wow! Good for her. Good for me, too.
Since she has been in Hawaii, she has called a few times. My stress personal life slevel has been at ZERO! Out of necessity, I had to speak with W when she called and she would ask to speak with me. I'd answer her questino and quickly end our interaction. I am not mad at her. I am just saddened and find her behavior appalling, therefore I keep our conversations to a minimum after respectfully answereing her questions. It't so new and feels so good to be the one who is ending our interaction on MY terms and on my timeframe. I am detaching like a trooper. It's less difficult that I thought it was going to be, but I do have to remind myself that she is out of town right now and she will be back in town soon and we will be, once again, sharing the same small office. Good news is that I am NOT dreading. I am working to ascribe to the symptom of inner peace that says it is, 'an increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen...."
I still believe that despite my W's wacky behavior, we do still have the opportunity to reconcile and build our M anew. My heart is still open to that possibility, and I know aht we both have a lot of growing to do to make our M what we both have always wanted and needed it to be. One thing though that I know I cannot help her with: she needs to grow the F up! As AmyC told me a long time ago, some hurts are beyond MY healing powers and I nust ask God to heal her. And so I do. I invite Him to toudh her and heal her. Amen.
Well, that's enough of my meandering ramblinbs. I am proud of me, I actually didn't proofread and edit ad nauseum to get this monologue uploaded to the BB. Next step for me is to get back to reading on the boards and offering some of my insights that I have gained in my 9 months on these boards to those who have less experience and fresher emotional wounds. Night all.
