Quote: My own PMA and confidence has grown enough to allow me to affirm that I have atoned and made amends for my A.
Quote: HH ~ How do you know that? I'm not asking for YOU. I'm asking for ME. I have a good PMA the majority of the time and I am confident about MANY things although not all...and yet there is STILL something that drives me to try to make amends and atone...and I KNOW that is unreasonable.
I know that because of the FEELING I no longer have in my gut when my own inner self screams out that I must act from MY integrity and speak up MY truth. I don't have to say my truth in a mean way, but truth is truth, today, tomorrow, and always. I used to be afraid of what my W would think when I spoke up. I would be afraid that she would D me. After 9 months, I don't have anything to lose. She is lost and her behavior has been purposely hurtful, calculatedly vindictive and just plain aweful. As I told her recently, her behavior shown that she lacks character and integrity and has proven herself to be a chronic liar.
With all of that, my own self work, and the help of friends both here and on the board, I have realized that I have apologized sincerely and sufficiently. I have behaved respectfully, honestly, patiently, lovingly, from MY integrity, and with understanding. Since SHE has free will, and has consistently acted from her free will, my reaching out is done. I have decided to pull myself back and love her from a distance while showing my children that they are loved despite what mommy and daddy are going thru.
Quote: So how do those things let YOU know that? This question may not even make sense but the statement just struck me...I hope the answer is that you truly do not struggle with guilt, I still do and it's a b*tch quite frankly because knowing that, I have to seriously contemplate most things I do regarding my husband.
The direct answer to your question is that NO, I no longer struggle with guilt. Guilt was my constant companion and guilt caused me many sleepless nights. But I have repented for my sin sasked for forgiveness and I know that I have been forgiven by The Father. Finally KNOWING that I have been forgiven and KNOWING that I have worked diligently to make amends with my W tells me what YOU have told me, that some wounds are beyond my healing and some of W's wounds pre-date our meeting each other. That leaves me with the huge job still of taking care of me and our 2 beautiful, innocent and perfect children.
Quote: Good for you if you have deliverance. Can't wait til I accept mine That's the battle, you know? Not in receiving, because it has already been given..but in ACCEPTING it...
THAT I do know. I learned that from YOU! YOU have always been my guiding light. You've always pointed me in the right spiritual direction. For that I will be eternally grateful. In you, I found someone who persistently nudged me along my spiritual journey to strengthen my R with God. Thank you.
Quote: Just ramblin'
Especially here, I often ramble aimlessly and then edit ad nauseum. THAT'S why I am on my SIXTTH time writing my repsonse to you. I have made a personal resolution today. No more taking so darn long responding. I will just type away to the best of my not-so-good typing ability and let others ask me questions when I am unclear. At least I'd know that my posts are being read and that my sitch is (hopefully) making a positive impact on others.
In closing, I am struggling with detaching. My W is in Hawaii with OM ATM, and I have a rest from the constant struggles of interacting with her craziness daily. Regardless, when she returns, I will be DARK but respectful. I will love her, but from a safe distance, FOR ME. And, I will be looking forward to my trip to Disneyland with my children next month.
YOU have always been my guiding light. You've always pointed me in the right spiritual direction. For that I will be eternally grateful. In you, I found someone who persistently nudged me along my spiritual journey to strengthen my R with God. Thank you.