I have been wanting to take my D back to Disneyland for 2+ years. The last time we went I really wanted to allow D to be the lead in exploring Disneyland on her first time there. Unfortunately, that did not happen, as the trip included MIL, BIL (wife's brother), and the rest of W's family. To make a long story short, MIL is a take charge kind of vacation person, which works great for my W, but NOT for me. I wanted to focus our (mine and my W's) attention on our D. W was clearly focused on being mommy's 'good little girl' instead of focusing on her own D. Addtionally, MIL was focused on her 35 yr. old drunk/addict son and HIS! needs and was coddling him like he was 2 yrs old. To this day, W sees NO problem with MIL's behavior and focus. I don't have a problem with MIL's focus, it's her life. I do have a problem with W's focus and refusal to put the needs of her D ahead of her own needs to meet MIL's (in W's eyes) expectations of the 'good little girl.' <---(serious unhealed childhood wounds)
Regardless, I wanted to take my D back there and spoke with my W about my plans. She seemed disturbed. the conversation went like this: me: What's the matter? W: Nothing. Wellm I can't believe that you are planning on taking our children away from me for 5 days. me: I really didn't think it was going to be a problem. YOU are leaving them for 10 days and that doesn't seem to be bothering you. (Mind you, this trip was planned with OM originally!) W: Well, it is. I am having a real hard time with mising them now and leaving them. me: What's the REAL issue? W: I am not going to be with them for 3 weekends in a row (MY UNSPOKEN THOUGHT: Due to your f*cking trip planning w/o regard to supposedly missing your children; looks eerily similar to your party planning and identical in who's needs you have been focused on meeting. YOUR OWN!) And then you are going to take them away on MY weekend and I won't be with them again. me: Erica, I was planning on taking them on M weekend. I've NEVER planned activities/trips for our away from you on your time. Can we at least agree on that? W: Yeah, I guess so. (REALITY: Never is the absolute truth. More blaming me for her bad feelings.) me: Do you want to go with us. Is that the real issue? You are invited to attend if you want to come. W: Of course I'd like to go to Disneyland with our children, but I don't know about the whole 'going as a family' thing. And I really don't know how I feel about going with you. me: Well, then consider yourself uninvited.
On Wednesday evening, I was planning my trip and at the point of entering the # of adults, I entered 1. My integrity got me thinking and I broached the subject with Frank. Frank helped me verbalize my feelings, which were that I did want W to go to Disneyland with our children and I could certainly give her her necessary distance.
On Thursday, I nervously broached the subject of going to Disneyland with us again and I posed it to her as, "What would make it work for you?", expecting a negative response. She actually responded VERY positively with very little in the way NEEDS that would make it work for her. I was feeling good about the interaction and the outcome. Wasted nervousness. W asked if she could come over and see our children on TH evening and I said it would be fine. We went to dinner and when she was going to leave realized she had a flat tire.
She called Honda Roadside Assistance and they came out after an hour. She spent the entire time in her car talking on the phone to 'friends.' RED FLAG!
The next morning, I needed to help her neighbor move one last box from her old house to her new house. I just KNEW that OM was back in her life/bed. Neighbor wasn't there yet, and I drove 2 houses down and OM's car was parked out front. So much for her boundaries and breaking up with OM. I was certainly disappointed and sad.
W then sends me a text message several hours later that she would be into the office later. Why she sent that to me, I do not know. My response was, "K." I didn't call her until I was almost ready to leave, and I told her I was going to pick up our children When I cam into the office, W asked me why I was leaving the office so early? I told her I missed my children and wanted to see them NOW. W said she missed our children terribly and told me she had plans that evening but wanted to know if it would be OK if she stopped by to see our children. I told her NO, that would NOT be OK. THAT was a strange answer for me because I didn't hesitate and I didn't worry that she would be upset with me, I just told her my truth/boundary and stuck with it.
I left the office and called Frank to fill him in on what happended. In relating my story, I became aware of my need to tell W that I SAW OM's car in front of her house. I called W: me: What were you doing last night and this morning? W: After I left your place I went home and talked on the phone with a 'friend' then I went to bed. me: That whole 'friend' thing still cracks me up. W: (Silence. She knows I am curious about who the 'friend' is. Remember, last night she sat outside talking on the phone to a 'friend' plus her plans were messed up by the flat tire. What amazes me is that W ALWAYS has plans to be out EVERY night she doesn't have the children. EVERY NIGHT! This goes right along with what my counselor said about W, that she CAN'T be alone.} me: Really? Then what were you doing this morning? W: Sleeping. me: Really? That's the story you want to stick with? W; Yes, why are you asking me about this like this? me: Because I want the truth. This is your opportunity to tell me the truth. (She's lied to me SOOO much during our sitch.) Be honest with me. Don't lie. THAT'S the truth you're sticking with? W: Yes! me: OK. I have a different question for you. Whose car was parked out in front of your house this morning? W: What were you doing in front of my house this morning, spying on me? me: It is irrelevant HOW I know. (Thank you, Frank) Whose white mustang was parked in front of your house? (Of course, I already knew the answer, I needed her to know that I KNOW.) W: OM's. But he wasn't there last night or this morning. me: Oh, are you two back together now? W: NO, I broke up with him. me: Well, if he wasn't there, how did his car get there? Never mind, don't answer that. It doesn't matter. I don't want another lie. W: It's true. He wasn't there! me: Oh, that makes sense. I always leave my car at my ex-girlfriend's house. You know what, W, you are a toxic person. I've had it with you lying to me. Since we split, I've seen how easily f*cking other men and lying has come for you. I trusted you implicitly while we were together despite red flags to NOT trust you so much. At this point, I don't believe cheating NOR lying is actually new behavior for you. W: Well you cheated. me: Yes, I did. And that all ended ages ago. I have acted with love, honesty and integrity since we split. You have not. I made some decisions for myself. Going forward, I will limit our conversatins to specific topics regarding our children and specific work issues. I find you toxic in my life and THAT I will no longer tolerate. Regarding my trip to Disneyland, you are not welcome. If you change your mind about working on your M, let me know. I need for you to stop f*cking other men and lying. W: Well, that means that you can't see the kids when I am with them. me: THAT is fine. Keep that in mind when you are wanting me to be with our children on YOUR time.
This was another amazing interaction for me for two reasons:
1 W stayed on the phone the whole time and didnt' hang up, even offering a lame excuse for OM's car being in front of her house despite them being broken up
2 Again I didn't fear W being pissed at me and I was able to deliver my message clearly, completely, and without emotion.
Anyway, THAT was a lot of crap in one day! Unfortunately, in my mind, it was overdue. I needed to set my boundaries and stick to them out of respect for myself and this is my way of demanding respect from W. My patience is NOT infinite and she has shown me enough hardness of heart, selfishness and brattiness to force me to move. I am still open to reconciliation, but SHE must now make her intention known to me and THEN do her share of the work to make our M what God always intended for it to be. I have taken responsibility for my contribution to the deterioration of our M. I have made a consistent concerted effort to grow as a man, husband, and father. I have STOOD for my W, M and family with love, patience, kindness, respect, honesty and integrity. I coninue to pray for me, my W, my family, and my M. If you can spare the positive thoughts and enerty, send them my way to do what is honorable and right at all times. Thanks for lisening.
