Yesterday was my mosst confusing day in my sitch yet.
On Sundday morning, I went over to W's house to wake up our children, get them ready and take them to church, as is my regular routine with them. When I arrived, W was up with S and both were wide awake. I invited W to join us in going to church. She balked for a minute but decided to go with us. Funny thing happened; we were an hour earlier than we thought because we both forgot about the time change. Regardless, we attended the earlier service. When the service ended, we were going to brunch, more of my regular routine, and W said she wanted to make a trip to Apple Hill. I agreed to go. It was mostly very nice.
On the way back into town, I was asking my D about her previously mentioning missing school for two days to go to Disneyland with me and my S. Eventually, D and S fell asleep and W starts in on me about taking our children to Disneyland without her and she seems bothered that she wasn't included in my plans.
me: Are you upset because I didn't include you in my vacation plans? If you want to come, you are welcome to travel with us. W: I would love to go to Disneyland with our children, I just don't know about going as a whole family unit and going there with you. me: Well, then forget it. You are now uninvited. W: Do you think it's OK that you are just taking our kids away from me on vacation for 5 days? me: Honestly, I didn't think it would be a problem. You are leaving for 10 days without them and you didn't seem to give that a second thought. W: There you go again. Shoving that in my face. I am having a hard time with leaving them for 10 days.
{MY THOUGHTS: I DON'T EVER SEE THAT SHE IS HAVING A HARD TIME BEING AWAY FROM OUR CHILDREN. SHE BITCHES ABOUT NOT GETTING ENOUGH ME TIME. ON HER WEEKENDS TO SPEND WITH OUR CHILDREN, SHE TAKES SO MANY LIBETIES TO HAVE OUR CHILDRN SPEND AT LEAST HALF OF HER WEEKEND TIME WITH ME OR SPEND IT TOGETHER, LIKE THIS LAST SUNDAY. HER TWO PREVIOUS SATURDAYS, I PICKED UP OUR CHILDREN AND HAD THEM FOR OVER 24 OF HER 48 WEEKEND HOURS BECAUSE SHE WAS BUSY BEING A PARTY PLANNER/PARTIER INSTEAD OF A DOTING MOTHER. ADDITIONALLY, MY COUNSELOR POINTED THIS OUT ABOUT W; WIFE SIMPLY CANNOT BE ALONE. WHEN COUNSELOR SAID THAT, I THOUGHT BACK TO W'S BEHAVIOR AND THAT IS CERTAINLY TRUE. EVEN WHEN W HAS OUR CHILDREN SHE HAS FRIENDS OVER SO SHE DOESN'T FEEL ALONE!! THAT FACT WAS A TOTAL WTF? EPIPHANY MOMENT FOR ME! WOW! MY COUNSELOR AND FRANK_D HAVE BOTH TOLD ME THAT W DOES NOT WANT TO GROW UP! AS FAR AS SHOVING MY W'S TRIP IN HER FACE, THE ONLY TERSE THING I HAVE SAID TO HER WAS WHEN SHE FIRST TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS GOING TO HAWAII WITH OM. WHEN SHE TOLD ME THE SHE WASN'T SURE OF THE DATES, I RESPONDED BY TELLING HER WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU TELL ME NOW THEN? SO YOU COULD TELL ME TWICE?!?!? OTHER THAN THAT, I HAVEN'T SAID A THING.}
Back to the conversation: me: I didn't think it would be a big deal, I was planning on leaving on a Wednesday night and coming back on Sunday. I normally have them on much of that time anyway (MY weekends). W: Oh, you were planning on taking them on YOUR weekend. THAT's OK. me: You know me well enough to know that I would never plan for the children to be away with me on YOUR weekend. Can we at least agree on that? W: Nods in agreement. me: {I am pissed at this point) Do you remember our conversation about the 'magice wand?' W: No. me: I asked you if you had a 'magic wand' and you could wave it and make your life perfect.... Do you remember that? W: Yes. me: Well, you do havve a magic wand. W: No, I don't. I can't change my feelings about you. me: Yes, you can. You are only missing the WILLINGNESS to be open to doing the work to reconcile our M and to be receptive to me as your husband/partner. W: Our M is OVER. me: Have you started reading the book I gave you a few days ago? W: Well...I picked it up, but I am tired at night.... me: [I took my wedding ring off, AGAIN, and placed it on her center console. IMO, it's time to force the issue. She's either going to commit fully to working to reconcile our M and to working on her own issues (being an adult) or she's NOT, but I deserve better than what she is offering at this point.] Please take me to my car. W: Why? Aren't you going to dinner at my Mom's? me: no response W: If you change your mind, and decide to go, I am going to be pissed! me: I really don't concern myself with you being pissed at me any more. W: You know, you aren't supposed to give these things back (referring to my wedding band). What am I supposed to do with it? me: I shrug W: Then I can just throw it out the window? [She rolls down her window] me: Since our M means nothing to you, that rings means nothing to me. Go ahead.
She rolls up her window, NOT throwing the rign out and drops me off. I get a call from her later asking me if I plan to come to MIL's for dinner. I ask her WHY she is calling me? NO resolution. I then get a call from SIL, asking me the same thing. I tell her, "No, I am not comfortable being around your sister right now." I was on speakerphone on SIL's cell. YIKES! luckily, as usual, I didn't say anything disparaging about W. Damnit, she disappoints me, but I still love her and am still working to reconcile my M, and as Frank said, STAY POSITIVE, especially NOW!.
Later on, I realized that I left my checkbook in W's car. I sent her a text message telling her I needed to come by and pick it up. She said OK. I got there and our children were acting a little wacky. W has me tend to D. I get D in the shower and then W comes into the bathroom and asks me to tend to S and she will tend to D. I go into our son's room, he's upset, I pick him up, rock him, and sing to him. He calms down and goes back to sleep. I lay him back in his crib.
I go out to W's car and get my checkbook. I then go back into the bathroom and ask if I need to tend to D or if W has it under control. W says she is fine. I say I am leaving, and W says, I thought you wanted to talk. I tell W, if YOU want to talk, I will stay. I said what I needed to say. W indicates she wanted me to stay. After D finished showering, I read with her in her bed and W decided to join us. We turned out D's lights and said goodnight to her.
W asked me to come to her BR to talk and when we got there I just sat patiently and waited for her to talk. She finally told me to talk and she would listen and answer any questions I had. This has become her M.O. Refusing to open up about HER feelings. I talked, repeating what I have told her a million times. I told her I love her. I told her our mutual love is the perfect foundation upon which to build our M anew, keeping all of the positives of our R and making new experiences and creating new memories. I said that I have STOOD for her and for our M because she is my W, because I love her more than I have ever loved anyone, because we are kindred spirits, and because doing so is right in God's eyes. I also told her that my biggest fear is that she will finally make me quit, and it is only then that she will decide that she wants to work on our M. Only then will she decide that our M and I am important to her. I told her that I MAY NOT still be open to reconciliation if she pushes me and our M to that point. I asked her, if your ideal is for us to work out our M and be happy together, why won't you put ANY effort into making your ideal real? Are you afraid of failure? First she said NO. After reflecting, she answered yes. Are you afraid of succeeding? She answered no, but my feeling is that she is afraid of succeeding becase she doesn't feel she is worthy of having a mature love in a mature R. Are you afraid of what people you hang out with will think? Again, she says NO, but this I know is not true. She is so worried about what her immature new friends will think about her decision to make her M work because they are all shallow, immature young people AND my W is soooo driven by what these people think of her. I then asked her why she didn't throw my wedding band out of her cal window. She said because YOU would have been upset. I told her that I wanted to know HER reasons, NOT mine. She BSed me, saying she didn't know. She wanted to go to sleep and tells me she will talk to me the next day so I left.
This morning, W called me to ask me to look at her calendar. Mind you, she could have called anyone in the office to look at her calendar, but she called ME to see if I was down at the office yet and if I would do this for her. My belief is that she wanted to talk to me go guage my interest in talking to her after the previous day's interactions. W tells me that she needs to drive to Pleasanton and I tell her that I have a CD I'd like her to take with her because her long car trip will be the perfect opportunity to listen to the material. She's curious. She makes her way downtown and asks me to get her lunch to take with her on her trip. I do. I give her the lunch and the CD. The CD is David Schnarch's Secrets of a PASSIONATE MARRIAGE- How to Increase Sexual Pleasure and Emotional Fulfillment in Committed Relationships
Off she went. She returned several hours later, no mention of the material that I gave her. I leave to pick up our children from daycare and school at 5:00. On my way to pick them up, I speak with W by phone. Still no mention of our talk that she promised the previous evening, and no mention of the CD material. Frustrated, I tell her that it's obvious to me that she said all that she needed to say to me so I won't bother her with talking to me again. She says wait, I listended to the entire first CD and I'm listening to the second CD. I tell her, well you and I have spoken numerous times since you retrned and that is the FIRST time you mentioned listening to them. I asked her what did you think of the material? Interesting? Bullshit? I already knew all of that? Why is he bothering me with this? W: No, I didn't know any of that and it was all VERY interesting. I still want to listen to the other CD. I'll call you back when we close the office at 5:30. Unfortunately, she didn't call. I truly believe she's afraid of her own feelings, afraid of growing up, and afraid of finding out who she truly is. It's much easier for her to run; in the short term anyway.
This much I have figured out; I need to work diligently on detachment from her, whuch unfortunately will include NOT doing so many little favors for her. If she is still so intent on D, then I am intent on allowing her to taste D BEFORE it actually occurs, but with as much respect because D is NOT necessary for both of us to have fulfilling lives. I will still love her, but I am now working to be detach and be indifferent until she SHOWS me her intention to work on reconciling her M; her intention to make personal changes; her intention to GROW UP.
I guess this is the Last Resort Technique. All I know is that my inability to detach has done nothing positive except keep my W from pressing harder on her D path. I know it has prolonged my pain and my D's confusion. No more. If I must move forward without W, then I WILL. My own PMA and confidence has grown enough to allow me to affirm that I have atoned and made amends for my A. My PMA and confidence have allowed me to SHOW my W who I am today; my changes and growth; my love for her and my willingness to STAND for her and our M; my continuing care for and doting on our children irregardless of HER decision on our M; my strength and honor.
I am proud of who I am today. I am proud of the changes I have made and will continure to make. My sitch has put me on a journey of self-discovery and I like tha man that I have rediscovered. I know that I will continue on my quest to be the man that God always intend for me to be from the beginning. I cannot chase W to discuss what personal changes she is gaining from what I offer. Unless she initiates the conversation, I will not broach the subject. Unless she asks me for books to read or other material, I won't offer what I've acquired recently in my journey.
I know that detaching will be extrememly difficult for me, but I also know that I must, because my W needs some prodding to make changes in her path and in her willingness to participate again in our M, and truly detaching is the ONLY thing I haven't done. The only thing left for me to do is to begin withdrawing ME from her to bring the REALITY of HER choice to the forefront of her consciousness so that, hopefully, she will stop running and start being an adult; honor and be her authentic self.
Along this journey, I have tried to stay upbeat and positive. I will strive to continue. Thanks for 'listening.'
Well, Hopefull Husband , I don't know how to start.
You are doing everything 100% correct in my opinion. Everything. You have both feet on the ground, you are working on you. What can I tell you bud. You are doing things right. Everything right, IMO.
I agree with the detaching, LRT. Give her a taste of the D before it happens. That's where I'm at right now too.
