More like hangin' in there. But, I'll take hangin' in there over quitting for sure.
Quote: Keep your eyes open.
The longer the battle goes on, the more things will come to distract you from your stand.
I will keep my eyes open, but sometimes I need loving friends to open my eyes for me to see what I may be blind to. Thank you for always doing that for me. I have to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, my focus fixed on my task, and my eyes pointed upward to Him.
Quote: Do not learn that the hard way.
Have learned the HARD way so much lately that I am getting much better at sidestepping disasters of my own creating by just NOT doing the backsliding.
I used to say sh*t happens. I now say LIFE happens. I'm gonna run now and continue making it a great day!!
today was uneventful. I had a little bit of upset but not much. I am working on reminding myself that treading water or staying in place and holding my own is actually a positive in my sitch when I consider where I was 8+ months ago or evenless than two months ago.
When I look at my calendar and put all that has happened in the last two months, I am amazed at my strength and patience that God has bestowed upon me. At the end of August, W was set on forcing our D through come hell or high water. In her mind, we were done; put a fork in us. In her mind she didn't 'feel' married and acted accordingly. It is only through God's loving hand, grace and mercy that I have survived up until now despite my W not only NOT giving me any sign that I was doing the right thing in keepin' on keepin' on in the GOOD FIGHT for our M, she actually worked diligently and devilishly hard to get me to give up; to quit. This went on up until this past Monday when she told me she was done running around and acting crazy. She also told me that her MySpace page and persona is the work of her alter-ego, NOT the real her.
At first, I was very skeptical of her and her proclamations of changing. Because of my overriding skepticism, I backslid and backslid hard. I have truly walked by FAITH even when I cannot see in my sitch of hope. One other thing has become crystal clear in my journey to save my M, my 'handle' of HH is totally appropriate, I truly have been and still am a Hopeful Husband. One other thing, my counselor gave me a writing called Symptoms of Inner Peace (by Saskia Davis): The some of the symptoms listed are:
Quote: A tendency to thing and act spontantandeously rather than based on past experience. A loss of interest in judging other people. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others. An increasing tendency to LET things rather than to MAKE things happen...
These symptoms really sunk in for me as I search for my own sense of inner peace, especially as I work to reconcile my feelings about my W and M and my whole sitch. Those four really struck home with me about my feelings toward myself, my W and my M. No one has control over my feelings except me and I love my W more now than ever and I STAND for what is right. I STAND for God's will. I STAND to help insure that my family will be a bold proclamation and testament to the power of FAITH and prayer; the glory, power, mercy, and grace of God!
For those of you who have been following my sitch, please stop reading and take a moment and pray for me to have infinite patience to STAND. Pray for my W to be strong enough to withstand the onslaught of the enemy and to have the openness to receive God's message the the will to make His will a reality through her own free will. Pray for our children to survive this sitch with as little memory and scarring as possible. Thank you. Amen.
As I quoted recently, pray is NOT preparation for the greater work. Prayer IS the greater work. Hallejuah.
I am done for tonight. Please keep us in your thoughts.
I should not be up at this time, but I took a nap today with my son after church and brunch for 3 hours. Now I can't sleep. Well, there's always tonight.
This weekend was a lot of fun with S and D. On Saturday, we went to the park with SIL and her son. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. Low 80's. Just perfect. All of the kids had so much fun. D got her face painted by Linda, the face paintin' fairy who is always there and the boys were running around enjoying the small slides and petting the sheeep. Those two 1 year olds have a blast together. They are so fun to watch and my D has boundless energy. W came over to meet us and eat lunch. Was a VERY nice interaction.
Most of our interactions are VERY nice. THAT makes her reluctance all that much more confusing, but I am working on developing even greater patience.
Below is some of my e-mail to a friend about my sitch. It's gonna be cut and pasted, but here it goes:
The Saskia Davis information really helped me to keep my situation in perspective and reminded me WHY continue fighting the good fight and WHO I must continue to give the benefit of the doubt to. About a 2 years ago I heard a sermon on the radio from Adventure Christian Church in Roseville, CA. The pastor was talking about Christianity and family. In particular, he was talking about marriages and kept talking about himself and the fact that he always strived to err on the side of grace, espcially with regard to his wife. THAT stuck with me so much that it has continued to loop in my head two years later and I strive to err on the side of grace with my wife.
I am certainly not perfect and NOT without sin and I strive to behave in the way that I would want others to behave towards me. I know that Jesus continues to show me mercy, love and grace and I have taken His virtue and worked to apply it in my life, and especially towards my wife. As I said before, Saskia Davis said the Syptoms of Inner Peace are:
1. A tendency to thing and act spontaneously rather than based on past experience.
Again, hit home with me because I was focusing on my more recent past experience with my wife and was punishing her because I was hurt rather than erring on the side of grace and allowing her to PROVE what she says about her more recent changes for the good is true and accurate rather than believing it is a lie because I have been so hurt in the recent past. THAT stance was being judgmental and had the potential to kill all of my DB/DR efforts up to this point by (me) being as a$$ to my W.
2. A loss of interest in judging other people. A loss of interest in judging self. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
All of this had been my signature way of ruining my life and my relationships with others, especially those most dear to me. I used to believe that I was 'hardwired' to act like a harda$$ and be impatient and judging. I spent a year attending a ment's group and I was taught and I came to undrestand that: (1) I am NOT 'hardwired' any way, I simply have DEEPLY ingrained behavioral habits; (2) people, including me, don't have 'buttons' that get pushed that will set me off on a tirade, it's simply me reverting back to a bad choice and those DEEPLY ingrained habits; and (3), I have the ability to meet ALL of my needs and I must stop looking to others to meet MY needs that only I can actually meet for myself without relying on another person and then judging them for not doing what I should have been doing which is meeting my own needs.
Two of my more glaring defects were being impatient and being judgemental and since I was always MOST impatient with myself and was constantly judging myself, no one else escaped my wrath. I am still working on replacing those poor deeply ingrained behavioral habits with regular consistency knowing that when I become 'expert' with these new 'tools', these new behaviors will become so commonplace, ingrained, and natural that when I have stress, hurt, anger, disappointment, sadness, and/or fatigue I will fall back on these new familiar behaviors because they are instinctual and I will have overwritten the old poor behavior and that old poor behavior will not be reverted to by instinct. I am still working so hard on not being impatient with and judgemental of myself. THIS is hard F-ing work to change 40 years of programming. Ugh.
So, with all of this, I am working my a$$ off to NOT judge my W, not judge myself, and not judge others. Plus, along those same lines I am replacing judging with accepting behaviors and thougts. When my W acts out, I am becomign better at not re-acting. I am thinking rationally first and THEN either letting it go or responding in a thought out, loving way to help us through the rough spot of the moment. Often simply walking away is the best medicine. Tonight was a great example. I spent a couple of hours with my family today, including W, and I stopped by to drop off some of my D's clothes and my W snapped at me. I didn't say a word, just walked to the garage, gathered some of my stuff and exited through the side garage door and sent her a text message that said, "Bye. Hope you have a good rest of your evening." Her response to me from her MySpace page was, "Sorry if I grouched at you on your way out tonight. I didnt mean to. Just really tired and want to get my office work done." She posted this on the 'public' section of my page. Wow. A 'public' apology. I told her it was no problem and that I understood. Nothing to apogize for. I am really working at NOT reacting and NOT interpreting the actions of others, especially her. I'm getting there.
I believe I do know how to help my situation without causing more trouble. I have always known that I could affect my sitch on my own, especially negatively. It is THAT that I work to avoid. I truly hope my W will turn the corner and start working her way back towards me. I would love for her to look me in the eye and thank me for never giving up despite how everything looked, despite her behavior, despite being so hurt and pessimistic. I am working to save my marriage without my S helping, but I do know that I am not alone despite my W's reluctance. God is with me and through Jesus' loving hand I have been guided and sometimes even carried in His mercy and grace. Without God, I would never have made it this far. With Him ALL things are possible. I know that HE wants my M to survive, even more than I do. I know that He wants my famiy to come together intact, stronger, to be a living, breathing bold proclamation of His power, grace, love and mercy.
Not reacting, yes OVERreacting, too, is tough to keep a lid on. Swallowing hard often causes me to choke, but it's better than backsliding. My next phase of keeping my mouth shut is to stop making any visible reactions or low sounds that all come across as judgments and hurt my W immeasurably. Until I can stop my judgments altogether, I must work to stop my outward displays because my 'attempts' are half-ass and ineffective and my stupiditiy in these instances are inexcusable and immature. I'm working on it though.
I am determined to win this battle with the enemy for my W and family. And with God in my corner for strength, strategy and encouragement, we WILL win. ***&end of e-mail****
As I said, most of my interactions with my W are VERY nice. Problem is though, I live in fear that I will do or say the wrong thing and my W will run from me again. I know I am not perfect. I also know that my W does not trust me or herself right now and I don't want to lose my M right now, especially since it still so incredibly fragile. She's closer to me now than she's ever been in my sitch and I do interact with her quite well without needing to really OVERthink it much, but I'd be lying if I said I don't fear our R going back to where it was 2+ months ago.
I still STAND for my W and M and I know that my willingness to STAND is why our R has started to climb out the hole into which it fell quite some time ago. I do realize that had I followed the advice of most of the people in my life, my M would have been over long ago and the D would be less than 2 months away. Thankfully, I followed God's plan and will and refused to stop fighting the good fight because I still have a LOT of fight left in me and the fightin' ain't done. I also thank God for blessing me with a great chin, because after all that my W has hit me with, I have yet to have a full day of questioning MY OWN sanity in deciding to get up off the canvast and go "one more round" over and over. I likened my sitch to a 15-round championship boxing match because it's tough, it requires stamina, requires a game plan, and requires the will to win. Well, I have all of those PLUS I have God in my corner. I have all I need to win. When things looked bleak, I'd remind myself that we were only in the early rounds and since everything is stalled right now, I remind myself that alghough 'holding our own' is a good thing, treading water is a good sign because time is on my side, giving me more opportunities to have more positve inteactions with my W and make more positive memories which will make the negative memories of my M more distant and less strong for both my W and I, thus making our journey towards restoration and reconciliation that much more likely to happen.
After I left the park with our children, I took S home for a nap and when he woke up we went to a pumpkin patch/carnival for the evening. W was going to meet us there but decided she needed to go home to work, but ended up sleeping for 13+ hours. Good for her. I had a great time with our children!
The next morning, the children and I went to church. D had to have a donut so we hung out after church and visited with friends. When we got back to my place, W called and asked if the children and I were still going to go out for breakfast. I told her we were and she asked if she could come. I had already invited her, which I do each Sunday, and I told her yes, she was welcone, of course.
We all went to breakfast and had a nice time. When breakfast was finished, W offered to take D6 with her to run errands and do 'girly stuff.' D went and they had a great time. S and I napped. I didn't sleep well the night before.
We had made plans to have dinner with SIL and her family so S and I went over there and met W and D + SIL and her family. Dinner was nice and fun and then W needed to get our children home for bed. It was right after this that my W was in a mood and barked at me. I am happy to say that although I had a feeling about it, that's all it ended up being, a feeling. I kept my composure and treated her with kindness and respect. THAT is what I mean by erring on the side of grace with my W.
Well, that's it for my weekend saga in my Sitch of Hope. Lots of time with W, most of it great. In speaking with Frank, I do know that I need to continue to push her attraction 'buttons' and trigger her attraction for me which she feels is dead and I know is only dormant. Time is on my side, but I need to work quickly and diligently to continue improving myself and my M.
Here I am again with more 'stuff' from today. W and I had very nice interactions today. She seems to be moving closer to being more comfortable with being physically (geographically) close with me and also in having intimate discussions (NOTHING) about OR nor anything sexual. All of that stands to reason because I haven't been able to go there with her yet in my sitch.
I am growing restless in our holding pattern rather than being happy that we are not presently progressing down the D path, BUT we are still on the D path and still looking down it. When I am in my right mind, I do take our present stationary position and understand that the interactions that I am having with my W are pleasant, for the most part. She has told me, and I have chose to believe her, that she is through with running around and acting crazy. As I have stated, I err on the side of grace with my W. My love for her is strong enough to give her the benefit of the doubt and once again expose my neck to her in loving trust that, as she says, she has changed. The ball is now in HER court. She may continue to run and do hurtful things to me, but I have become somewhat steeled to her antics and I have also become much stronger. I know that I will be fine if she chooses to end our marriage; sad but fine. I also know that I have the ability to save our M alone by being willing to STAND for my W, my M, my family and what is right until she finally sees God's will and CHOOSES to join me in the fight for our M.
Right now I believe she is confused and she still doesn't trust me. More than that, she doesn't trust herself; especially after all of the smack she has talked about me and after her behavior over the past 8+ months. She is a proud woman and that pride is going to make breaking through our troubles THAT much worse.
I am striving to stay strong and pray lots for His guidance, grace, mercy, love and strength. I know that we will make it through this long dark tunnel. I see the bright sunny daylight at the other end which is beckoning me and my family like a lighthouse on a stormy evening. I know that my restless about the current state of my M and sitch is simply due to my impatience.
My patience has grown tew-fold during my sitch, as has my gratitude for His love and strength. I pray daily for my W, myself and my family. I remember that prayer IS the greater work. Thank you all for reading and allowing me the opportunity to do more self-counseling through posting in this BB.
Today I went to lunch with my W and I was feeling really defeated and it showed on my fact. W kept asking me what was on my mind and I finally told her that I had been thinking about our lunch from 10/16 when she told me that she wasn't in a hurry to proceed with the D and I asked her, "Are we still in a 'holding pattern'?" She thought about it for a minute and then told me that she still plans to file for the D, and that filing 'doesn't mean anything.' I took off my wedding band and laid it on the table in front of her. Her eyes teared up as I told her, YES it does. Our conversation went on like this:
Me: Yes it does, it makes EVERYTHING different. W: Why did you do that? Me: Because it means less and less to me every day. I know that I deserve to have someone in my life who loves me the way that I love her. I understand that that's not you and that makes me sad. W: more tearing and dabbing her eyes. Me: I know that if you choose to end our M that I will be fine. Sad, but fine. I know I am going to be happy in my life and I would love for you to particpate in my life going forward. Are you willing to do anything to reconcile our M? W: I don't know. I just don't believe that I can change my feelings for you. Me: Can we at least agree that you were VERY attracted to me in the beginning? W: Yes, I was VERY attracted to you, but that was a looong time ago. I just don't think I can change my feelings for you. Me: What makes me sooo lucky that your feeling for me are unchangeable? I then gave her several examples of her feelings changing regarding other people. W: Listens and smiles because she knows I am making a valid point with her with regard to her ability to change her feelings about people. Me: I know that you have lost your way and I also know that those feelings can be recaptured IF you are simply willing to participate with me. W: I just don't see how. I've done EVERYTHING. I am sad. Me: Are you willing to at least participate with me to see if WE can work on changing your feelings for the positive. W: What do you plan on doing? Me: If I told you, you would know what to expect and THAT would be defeating for helping you re-develop you attraction for me. W: Nodded, knowingly. Me: I have some reading that I'd like to loan you and I'd like you to read it and discuss the content with me, if you would be willing. (She nodded in agreement)
NOTE: I have Rekindling Desire at home now. I also told W to read DB, which I loaned to her ages ago. I am going to order The Sex Starved Marriage from the DB online store.
For my W, her issue with me is that she doesn't have the sexual attraction for me that a W and H need to have for e/o. The rest of our R is fine, but SEX is the main sticking point and one that she does not feel she will be able to get past to have changed feelings for me. Our previous MC told W that she loses interest in sex with her partner when it's no longer new and filled with butterflies feeling, etc. We are definitely NOT new, but she needs something to grab hold of to help her understand that she WILL regain her sexual attraction to me when she points herself in the right direction to find what she is searching for.
I also told W that I would schedule counseling and al she needed to be willing to do at this point is to participate. She keeps on saying that she doesn't know what to do and I told her, yes you do! You want a D. Rather than working on reconciling you M, you want to quit, give up, surrender. She said she's willing to put in some work after I questioned her on whether or not she had left NO STONE UNTURNED in trying to find WHAT to do to fix her marriage.
So, NOW the ball is in MY court! I have the opportunity to offer reading material to a WILLING W to work on figuring out what her sexual attraction issue is towards me. PLUS, Frank has steered me in the right direction for female attraction information and NOW I am going to re-read that information5 times in the next 5 days and practice applying all of the information/behavior on my W to push her attraction buttons.
PLEA FOR ASSISTANCE! Any suggestions regarding reading for my W about rekindling SEXUAL attraction for your spouse that you have read and recommend would be greatly appreciated. THIS is where the rubber meets the road in my M!
Thursday lunch with W: W was complaining about the difficulty in being a single parent. I refrained from telling her that she is NOT a single parent. I simply listened and then asked her a question. I asked her, if you had a magic wand and could wave it and make your life perfect, what would it look like? Describe it to me. Paint me a picuture. She answered immediately that it would look exactly as it does now. I shot back, "Bullshit. If your life were perfect now you wouldn't be complaining about what you were just complaining about." She thought about it a second and then asked rhetorically, if I could change ANYTHING and make my life perfect? I nodded yes, NOW your are getting what I was asking you. She continued, "You would be home, our marriage would be loving, we would be getting along great, and you wouldn't be mean to me." I took a deep breath and asked, am I mean to you now? She said no, not usually. We make progress, then either I backslide and she runs or she just runs.
Again, she talks about her ideal and her ideal is she and I working out our M and getting along in a living marriage. I so want to shake her and tell her then let's make it so. COMMIT to working on your M to make your ideal a reality!!
Better yet, I will focus on me and what control, ME! I will stop hesitating on asking her what needs to be asked. Better still, I will stop hesitating on SAYING what needs to be said. I will SAY what I believe WE need to be be DOING to make our ideal a reality! No guts, no glory. Just do it!
Friday's happenings: Had lunch with MIL. Told MIL some my M developments and she said, "If I didn't know you two and just walked in and saw how you two interact, I'd never guess that anything was wrong." I told MIL that that was not the first time I had heard that. As a matter of fact, most everyone who sees W and I interact can't discern a problem. MIL ended the conversation by saying that she would love nothing more than for W and I to reconcile. THAT was the first time she ever expressed a preference one way or the other to me.
Today was interesting. I went to my D's carnival. W signed herself up, but she was late because of a signing. When W arrived, I told her I didn't have any cash and she made a flippant disapproving remark and I just simply gathered my S and walked away from her. When I came back to her a little bit later, she made another sh*tty remark and I just looked ater her again, no remark again. She called me back over for a min, and I then left and took both our D and S with me to the bank to get cash
W then left to go to another signing. I took the children to her house. I sent her a text message that read, "Making a mess at your house." I was just joking. She responded by text, "Not OK." I took offense at that and responded with, "Whatever! =-p"
When she got back to the house, I was in the kitchen cleaning up and she asked me if I had changed S? I said, "Of course, do you know why I changed him? Cuz I am a great Dad!" A little later on in the afternoon (20 min or so), W asked me again if I had changed our S. My response was, "I already answered that once and my answer hasn'g changed." She got pissed! Immediately, I saw my mistake and begin telling her that going forward, I will simply answer her questions simply and I apologized for my error. Too late! Ugh!
She began snapping at me about how I want to change HER and making snide remarks about how I want to make this marriage work but some things never change. I didn't let her run away like she wanted to do. I followed her and she said come with me outside, I don't want D to hear this. I told her I would, but told her we can actually have conversation that needn't be our of earshot of D. What she meant was that SHE wasn't capable of having a conversation while mad.
She proceeds to tell me that she's perfect just the way she is and just the way she is NOT. That is a saying I have told her repeatedly, to boost her PMA and self-esteem. Unfortunately, she was using that saying to say that she didn't need to change ANYTHING! I didn't say this, but in reality, I don't want to change her, I want HER to change her. I want her to GROW UP! At the time though, I stopped and asked her, "So you don't need to change anything?" I was giving her enought rope to hang herself and our M. Had she said that she didn't need to change anything, I would have taken off my wedding band right then, handed it to her and left, telling her that when she was ready to grow up and work on her M, give me a call. Fortunately, she regained her composure and said that she does have changing to do.
Anyway, after further discussion, I told W that when she gets pissed, she STOPS listening and starts spewing venom. W then tells me that THAT'S NOT true. I tell her acttually it IS. I continued, telling her, when someone very close to us tells us we behave in a certain way on a regular basis, it's most likely true, despite our repeated assertions that it's NOT true. Truth lies in what someone does moreso than in assertions to the contrary. ACTIONS speak so much louder than words. I believe I drove that point home sufficiently for her to acknowledge its truth.
Finally, she calmed down enough to admit that she hadn't even heard what I said about apologizing and making the statement that I would change my behavior in the future. She finally acknowledged that she stopped listening as soon as she got pissed. We then went into the house and things were fine. She blew off her steam and was calm towards me. I was in the front room playing with my S and W walked in while I was sending her a text message. She asked who I was texting to and I told her the truth, her. Since she walked in on me, I told her I was embarassed and told her that since she saw me inputting the text msg, I might as well TELL her and I took her hand and asked her to sit down and listen. She did.
I told her that I was truly sorry for ASSUMING that her first text msg to me was one of anger. She siad she was joking. I told her that I would begin, immediately, assuming that she is joking if I am going to assume anything. [Separately, when I talked with Frank, I came up with a better way of handling such sitchess. I will ask her if she was joking because what she said 'kinda' hurt my feelings. THAT would at least give her the opportunity to clarify or at minimum, give her the opportunit to look at herself and her words/actions in real time.] I also re-itereated my stance that, going forward, I would simply answer her questions, even if I had given her an answer previously bacuase doing anything else does not promot intimacy. I then acknowledged that I wanted to get to know WHO she is today. I told her that the majority of our interactions are work focused. In reality, our interactions are also child focused. I told her that I wanted to get to know her better and wanted to increase our personal time together to facilitate getting to know her better again. She was agreeable. We ended up parting on good terms.
Some things I have truly learned, by mistake more than anything, are: (1) that when my W makes her cutting remarks, walking away from her is best. She is actually able to 'see' what she is doing real time and I don't have to be the one pointing it out; (2) that I need to assume that my W is playing around/joking FIRST or question whether she is joking or not while acknowledging that my feelings were hurt by her remark; and (3) that I simply need to answer her questions without getting bothered by the number of times the question is asked. This is a great instance of ACCEPTING life as it is and not JUDGING anyone, especially not my W. I learn more about me every day. I learn that being an impatient judging A-hole is the bane of my existence; THAT guy is my 'hitman.' My authentic self is a patient accepting {fill in the male now}. The more time I spend in my authentic self, the less time I need to mop up after that inconsiderate bastard of a hitman who resides in me just under the surface. Every day I work to kill that hitman and tell him the even if he won't die, that my authentic self is IN CHARGE.
One last bit of info from tonight. My ex-neighbor, from where my W still lives, is going thru a D. This is the same woman that my W accused me of trying to hit on in the past (untrue, BTW). Anyway, she called me to take me up on my offer to help her move from her house. I offerred to move both her and her soon to be ex-husband. I asked her how she was doing and she ended up asking me how I am doing. She is another person who is thoroughly confused by my W and I. She was telling me that she didn't understand how I dealt with my W dating OM plus all the other crap thrown my way during my sitch. I told her what I've told her in the past, I am not done. NO ONE is going to determine when I am done except me. I told her that my W told me that one person can NOT save a M. Neighbor said BOTH S's need to work to save the M. I repeated what I said to my W, that yes, one person can save a M by holding him/herself together long enough for the S to gather themselves and make the decision to join the 'fighting' S in saving the M. So yes, ultimately both S's are needed, but at least initially, one S is sufficient. I further explained that I could have let our M end if I didn't believe so strongly in the sanctity of M. I also told her what my W said about me wanting to change W. I told neighbor that I wanted W to change W, but more to the point, I wanted W to GROW UP!
I love my W. I am not going to let her decide when I am done, especially when I know that she is thoroughly confused and not in the corect state of mind to be making a decision to END her marriage. I will STAND for both of us, our family, and for what I know is correct. I believe she WILL come around and join me in the fight to preserve out R and to build our M anew on the solid foundation of our incredibly strong mutual love for each other. I will continue to STAND until she wakes up, grows up and makes the decision to make our M work for our lifetimes.
Thanks again for listening to my looong ramblings about my sitch, my life and my beliefs.
Yesterday was my mosst confusing day in my sitch yet.
On Sundday morning, I went over to W's house to wake up our children, get them ready and take them to church, as is my regular routine with them. When I arrived, W was up with S and both were wide awake. I invited W to join us in going to church. She balked for a minute but decided to go with us. Funny thing happened; we were an hour earlier than we thought because we both forgot about the time change. Regardless, we attended the earlier service. When the service ended, we were going to brunch, more of my regular routine, and W said she wanted to make a trip to Apple Hill. I agreed to go. It was mostly very nice.
On the way back into town, I was asking my D about her previously mentioning missing school for two days to go to Disneyland with me and my S. Eventually, D and S fell asleep and W starts in on me about taking our children to Disneyland without her and she seems bothered that she wasn't included in my plans.
me: Are you upset because I didn't include you in my vacation plans? If you want to come, you are welcome to travel with us.
W: I would love to go to Disneyland with our children, I just don't know about going as a whole family unit and going there with you.
me: Well, then forget it. You are now uninvited.
W: Do you think it's OK that you are just taking our kids away from me on vacation for 5 days?
me: Honestly, I didn't think it would be a problem. You are leaving for 10 days without them and you didn't seem to give that a second thought.
W: There you go again. Shoving that in my face. I am having a hard time with leaving them for 10 days.
{MY THOUGHTS: I DON'T EVER SEE THAT SHE IS HAVING A HARD TIME BEING AWAY FROM OUR CHILDREN. SHE BITCHES ABOUT NOT GETTING ENOUGH ME TIME. ON HER WEEKENDS TO SPEND WITH OUR CHILDREN, SHE TAKES SO MANY LIBETIES TO HAVE OUR CHILDRN SPEND AT LEAST HALF OF HER WEEKEND TIME WITH ME OR SPEND IT TOGETHER, LIKE THIS LAST SUNDAY. HER TWO PREVIOUS SATURDAYS, I PICKED UP OUR CHILDREN AND HAD THEM FOR OVER 24 OF HER 48 WEEKEND HOURS BECAUSE SHE WAS BUSY BEING A PARTY PLANNER/PARTIER INSTEAD OF A DOTING MOTHER. ADDITIONALLY, MY COUNSELOR POINTED THIS OUT ABOUT W; WIFE SIMPLY CANNOT BE ALONE. WHEN COUNSELOR SAID THAT, I THOUGHT BACK TO W'S BEHAVIOR AND THAT IS CERTAINLY TRUE. EVEN WHEN W HAS OUR CHILDREN SHE HAS FRIENDS OVER SO SHE DOESN'T FEEL ALONE!! THAT FACT WAS A TOTAL WTF? EPIPHANY MOMENT FOR ME! WOW! MY COUNSELOR AND FRANK_D HAVE BOTH TOLD ME THAT W DOES NOT WANT TO GROW UP! AS FAR AS SHOVING MY W'S TRIP IN HER FACE, THE ONLY TERSE THING I HAVE SAID TO HER WAS WHEN SHE FIRST TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS GOING TO HAWAII WITH OM. WHEN SHE TOLD ME THE SHE WASN'T SURE OF THE DATES, I RESPONDED BY TELLING HER WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU TELL ME NOW THEN? SO YOU COULD TELL ME TWICE?!?!? OTHER THAN THAT, I HAVEN'T SAID A THING.}
Back to the conversation:
me: I didn't think it would be a big deal, I was planning on leaving on a Wednesday night and coming back on Sunday. I normally have them on much of that time anyway (MY weekends).
W: Oh, you were planning on taking them on YOUR weekend. THAT's OK.
me: You know me well enough to know that I would never plan for the children to be away with me on YOUR weekend. Can we at least agree on that?
W: Nods in agreement.
me: {I am pissed at this point) Do you remember our conversation about the 'magice wand?'
W: No.
me: I asked you if you had a 'magic wand' and you could wave it and make your life perfect.... Do you remember that?
W: Yes.
me: Well, you do havve a magic wand.
W: No, I don't. I can't change my feelings about you.
me: Yes, you can. You are only missing the WILLINGNESS to be open to doing the work to reconcile our M and to be receptive to me as your husband/partner.
W: Our M is OVER.
me: Have you started reading the book I gave you a few days ago?
W: Well...I picked it up, but I am tired at night....
me: [I took my wedding ring off, AGAIN, and placed it on her center console. IMO, it's time to force the issue. She's either going to commit fully to working to reconcile our M and to working on her own issues (being an adult) or she's NOT, but I deserve better than what she is offering at this point.] Please take me to my car.
W: Why? Aren't you going to dinner at my Mom's?
me: no response
W: If you change your mind, and decide to go, I am going to be pissed!
me: I really don't concern myself with you being pissed at me any more.
W: You know, you aren't supposed to give these things back (referring to my wedding band). What am I supposed to do with it?
me: I shrug
W: Then I can just throw it out the window? [She rolls down her window]
me: Since our M means nothing to you, that rings means nothing to me. Go ahead.
She rolls up her window, NOT throwing the rign out and drops me off. I get a call from her later asking me if I plan to come to MIL's for dinner. I ask her WHY she is calling me? NO resolution. I then get a call from SIL, asking me the same thing. I tell her, "No, I am not comfortable being around your sister right now." I was on speakerphone on SIL's cell. YIKES! luckily, as usual, I didn't say anything disparaging about W. Damnit, she disappoints me, but I still love her and am still working to reconcile my M, and as Frank said, STAY POSITIVE, especially NOW!.
Later on, I realized that I left my checkbook in W's car. I sent her a text message telling her I needed to come by and pick it up. She said OK. I got there and our children were acting a little wacky. W has me tend to D. I get D in the shower and then W comes into the bathroom and asks me to tend to S and she will tend to D. I go into our son's room, he's upset, I pick him up, rock him, and sing to him. He calms down and goes back to sleep. I lay him back in his crib.
I go out to W's car and get my checkbook. I then go back into the bathroom and ask if I need to tend to D or if W has it under control. W says she is fine. I say I am leaving, and W says, I thought you wanted to talk. I tell W, if YOU want to talk, I will stay. I said what I needed to say. W indicates she wanted me to stay. After D finished showering, I read with her in her bed and W decided to join us. We turned out D's lights and said goodnight to her.
W asked me to come to her BR to talk and when we got there I just sat patiently and waited for her to talk. She finally told me to talk and she would listen and answer any questions I had. This has become her M.O. Refusing to open up about HER feelings. I talked, repeating what I have told her a million times. I told her I love her. I told her our mutual love is the perfect foundation upon which to build our M anew, keeping all of the positives of our R and making new experiences and creating new memories. I said that I have STOOD for her and for our M because she is my W, because I love her more than I have ever loved anyone, because we are kindred spirits, and because doing so is right in God's eyes. I also told her that my biggest fear is that she will finally make me quit, and it is only then that she will decide that she wants to work on our M. Only then will she decide that our M and I am important to her. I told her that I MAY NOT still be open to reconciliation if she pushes me and our M to that point. I asked her, if your ideal is for us to work out our M and be happy together, why won't you put ANY effort into making your ideal real? Are you afraid of failure? First she said NO. After reflecting, she answered yes. Are you afraid of succeeding? She answered no, but my feeling is that she is afraid of succeeding becase she doesn't feel she is worthy of having a mature love in a mature R. Are you afraid of what people you hang out with will think? Again, she says NO, but this I know is not true. She is so worried about what her immature new friends will think about her decision to make her M work because they are all shallow, immature young people AND my W is soooo driven by what these people think of her. I then asked her why she didn't throw my wedding band out of her cal window. She said because YOU would have been upset. I told her that I wanted to know HER reasons, NOT mine. She BSed me, saying she didn't know. She wanted to go to sleep and tells me she will talk to me the next day so I left.
This morning, W called me to ask me to look at her calendar. Mind you, she could have called anyone in the office to look at her calendar, but she called ME to see if I was down at the office yet and if I would do this for her. My belief is that she wanted to talk to me go guage my interest in talking to her after the previous day's interactions. W tells me that she needs to drive to Pleasanton and I tell her that I have a CD I'd like her to take with her because her long car trip will be the perfect opportunity to listen to the material. She's curious. She makes her way downtown and asks me to get her lunch to take with her on her trip. I do. I give her the lunch and the CD. The CD is David Schnarch's Secrets of a PASSIONATE MARRIAGE- How to Increase Sexual Pleasure and Emotional Fulfillment in Committed Relationships
Off she went. She returned several hours later, no mention of the material that I gave her. I leave to pick up our children from daycare and school at 5:00. On my way to pick them up, I speak with W by phone. Still no mention of
our talk that she promised the previous evening, and no mention of the CD material. Frustrated, I tell her that it's obvious to me that she said all that she needed to say to me so I won't bother her with talking to me again. She says wait, I listended to the entire first CD and I'm listening to the second CD. I tell her, well you and I have spoken numerous times since you retrned and that is the FIRST time you mentioned listening to them. I asked her what did you think of the material? Interesting? Bullshit? I already knew all of that? Why is he bothering me with this? W: No, I didn't know any of that and it was all VERY interesting. I still want to listen to the other CD. I'll call you back when we close the office at 5:30.
Unfortunately, she didn't call. I truly believe she's afraid of her own feelings, afraid of growing up, and afraid of finding out who she truly is. It's much easier for her to run; in the short term anyway.
This much I have figured out; I need to work diligently on detachment from her, whuch unfortunately will include NOT doing so many little favors for her. If she is still so intent on D, then I am intent on allowing her to taste D BEFORE it actually occurs, but with as much respect because D is NOT necessary for both of us to have fulfilling lives. I will still love her, but I am now working to be detach and be indifferent until she SHOWS me her intention to work on reconciling her M; her intention to make personal changes; her intention to GROW UP.
I guess this is the Last Resort Technique. All I know is that my inability to detach has done nothing positive except keep my W from pressing harder on her D path. I know it has prolonged my pain and my D's confusion. No more. If I must move forward without W, then I WILL. My own PMA and confidence has grown enough to allow me to affirm that I have atoned and made amends for my A. My PMA and confidence have allowed me to SHOW my W who I am today; my changes and growth; my love for her and my willingness to STAND for her and our M; my continuing care for and doting on our children irregardless of HER decision on our M; my strength and honor.
I am proud of who I am today. I am proud of the changes I have made and will continure to make. My sitch has put me on a journey of self-discovery and I like tha man that I have rediscovered. I know that I will continue on my quest to be the man that God always intend for me to be from the beginning. I cannot chase W to discuss what personal changes she is gaining from what I offer. Unless she initiates the conversation, I will not broach the subject. Unless she asks me for books to read or other material, I won't offer what I've acquired recently in my journey.
I know that detaching will be extrememly difficult for me, but I also know that I must, because my W needs some prodding to make changes in her path and in her willingness to participate again in our M, and truly detaching is the ONLY thing I haven't done. The only thing left for me to do is to begin withdrawing ME from her to bring the REALITY of HER choice to the forefront of her consciousness so that, hopefully, she will stop running and start being an adult; honor and be her authentic self.
Along this journey, I have tried to stay upbeat and positive. I will strive to continue. Thanks for 'listening.'
Yesterday was my mosst confusing day in my sitch yet.
On Sundday morning, I went over to W's house to wake up our children, get them ready and take them to church, as is my regular routine with them. When I arrived, W was up with S and both were wide awake. I invited W to join us in going to church. She balked for a minute but decided to go with us. Funny thing happened; we were an hour earlier than we thought because we both forgot about the time change. Regardless, we attended the earlier service. When the service ended, we were going to brunch, more of my regular routine, and W said she wanted to make a trip to Apple Hill. I agreed to go. It was mostly very nice.
On the way back into town, I was asking my D about her previously mentioning missing school for two days to go to Disneyland with me and my S. Eventually, D and S fell asleep and W starts in on me about taking our children to Disneyland without her and she seems bothered that she wasn't included in my plans.
me: Are you upset because I didn't include you in my vacation plans? If you want to come, you are welcome to travel with us. W: I would love to go to Disneyland with our children, I just don't know about going as a whole family unit and going there with you. me: Well, then forget it. You are now uninvited. W: Do you think it's OK that you are just taking our kids away from me on vacation for 5 days? me: Honestly, I didn't think it would be a problem. You are leaving for 10 days without them and you didn't seem to give that a second thought. W: There you go again. Shoving that in my face. I am having a hard time with leaving them for 10 days.
{MY THOUGHTS: I DON'T EVER SEE THAT SHE IS HAVING A HARD TIME BEING AWAY FROM OUR CHILDREN. SHE BITCHES ABOUT NOT GETTING ENOUGH ME TIME. ON HER WEEKENDS TO SPEND WITH OUR CHILDREN, SHE TAKES SO MANY LIBETIES TO HAVE OUR CHILDRN SPEND AT LEAST HALF OF HER WEEKEND TIME WITH ME OR SPEND IT TOGETHER, LIKE THIS LAST SUNDAY. HER TWO PREVIOUS SATURDAYS, I PICKED UP OUR CHILDREN AND HAD THEM FOR OVER 24 OF HER 48 WEEKEND HOURS BECAUSE SHE WAS BUSY BEING A PARTY PLANNER/PARTIER INSTEAD OF A DOTING MOTHER. ADDITIONALLY, MY COUNSELOR POINTED THIS OUT ABOUT W; WIFE SIMPLY CANNOT BE ALONE. WHEN COUNSELOR SAID THAT, I THOUGHT BACK TO W'S BEHAVIOR AND THAT IS CERTAINLY TRUE. EVEN WHEN W HAS OUR CHILDREN SHE HAS FRIENDS OVER SO SHE DOESN'T FEEL ALONE!! THAT FACT WAS A TOTAL WTF? EPIPHANY MOMENT FOR ME! WOW! MY COUNSELOR AND FRANK_D HAVE BOTH TOLD ME THAT W DOES NOT WANT TO GROW UP! AS FAR AS SHOVING MY W'S TRIP IN HER FACE, THE ONLY TERSE THING I HAVE SAID TO HER WAS WHEN SHE FIRST TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS GOING TO HAWAII WITH OM. WHEN SHE TOLD ME THE SHE WASN'T SURE OF THE DATES, I RESPONDED BY TELLING HER WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU TELL ME NOW THEN? SO YOU COULD TELL ME TWICE?!?!? OTHER THAN THAT, I HAVEN'T SAID A THING.}
Back to the conversation: me: I didn't think it would be a big deal, I was planning on leaving on a Wednesday night and coming back on Sunday. I normally have them on much of that time anyway (MY weekends). W: Oh, you were planning on taking them on YOUR weekend. THAT's OK. me: You know me well enough to know that I would never plan for the children to be away with me on YOUR weekend. Can we at least agree on that? W: Nods in agreement. me: {I am pissed at this point) Do you remember our conversation about the 'magice wand?' W: No. me: I asked you if you had a 'magic wand' and you could wave it and make your life perfect.... Do you remember that? W: Yes. me: Well, you do havve a magic wand. W: No, I don't. I can't change my feelings about you. me: Yes, you can. You are only missing the WILLINGNESS to be open to doing the work to reconcile our M and to be receptive to me as your husband/partner. W: Our M is OVER. me: Have you started reading the book I gave you a few days ago? W: Well...I picked it up, but I am tired at night.... me: [I took my wedding ring off, AGAIN, and placed it on her center console. IMO, it's time to force the issue. She's either going to commit fully to working to reconcile our M and to working on her own issues (being an adult) or she's NOT, but I deserve better than what she is offering at this point.] Please take me to my car. W: Why? Aren't you going to dinner at my Mom's? me: no response W: If you change your mind, and decide to go, I am going to be pissed! me: I really don't concern myself with you being pissed at me any more. W: You know, you aren't supposed to give these things back (referring to my wedding band). What am I supposed to do with it? me: I shrug W: Then I can just throw it out the window? [She rolls down her window] me: Since our M means nothing to you, that rings means nothing to me. Go ahead.
She rolls up her window, NOT throwing the rign out and drops me off. I get a call from her later asking me if I plan to come to MIL's for dinner. I ask her WHY she is calling me? NO resolution. I then get a call from SIL, asking me the same thing. I tell her, "No, I am not comfortable being around your sister right now." I was on speakerphone on SIL's cell. YIKES! luckily, as usual, I didn't say anything disparaging about W. Damnit, she disappoints me, but I still love her and am still working to reconcile my M, and as Frank said, STAY POSITIVE, especially NOW!.
Later on, I realized that I left my checkbook in W's car. I sent her a text message telling her I needed to come by and pick it up. She said OK. I got there and our children were acting a little wacky. W has me tend to D. I get D in the shower and then W comes into the bathroom and asks me to tend to S and she will tend to D. I go into our son's room, he's upset, I pick him up, rock him, and sing to him. He calms down and goes back to sleep. I lay him back in his crib.
I go out to W's car and get my checkbook. I then go back into the bathroom and ask if I need to tend to D or if W has it under control. W says she is fine. I say I am leaving, and W says, I thought you wanted to talk. I tell W, if YOU want to talk, I will stay. I said what I needed to say. W indicates she wanted me to stay. After D finished showering, I read with her in her bed and W decided to join us. We turned out D's lights and said goodnight to her.
W asked me to come to her BR to talk and when we got there I just sat patiently and waited for her to talk. She finally told me to talk and she would listen and answer any questions I had. This has become her M.O. Refusing to open up about HER feelings. I talked, repeating what I have told her a million times. I told her I love her. I told her our mutual love is the perfect foundation upon which to build our M anew, keeping all of the positives of our R and making new experiences and creating new memories. I said that I have STOOD for her and for our M because she is my W, because I love her more than I have ever loved anyone, because we are kindred spirits, and because doing so is right in God's eyes. I also told her that my biggest fear is that she will finally make me quit, and it is only then that she will decide that she wants to work on our M. Only then will she decide that our M and I am important to her. I told her that I MAY NOT still be open to reconciliation if she pushes me and our M to that point. I asked her, if your ideal is for us to work out our M and be happy together, why won't you put ANY effort into making your ideal real? Are you afraid of failure? First she said NO. After reflecting, she answered yes. Are you afraid of succeeding? She answered no, but my feeling is that she is afraid of succeeding becase she doesn't feel she is worthy of having a mature love in a mature R. Are you afraid of what people you hang out with will think? Again, she says NO, but this I know is not true. She is so worried about what her immature new friends will think about her decision to make her M work because they are all shallow, immature young people AND my W is soooo driven by what these people think of her. I then asked her why she didn't throw my wedding band out of her cal window. She said because YOU would have been upset. I told her that I wanted to know HER reasons, NOT mine. She BSed me, saying she didn't know. She wanted to go to sleep and tells me she will talk to me the next day so I left.
This morning, W called me to ask me to look at her calendar. Mind you, she could have called anyone in the office to look at her calendar, but she called ME to see if I was down at the office yet and if I would do this for her. My belief is that she wanted to talk to me go guage my interest in talking to her after the previous day's interactions. W tells me that she needs to drive to Pleasanton and I tell her that I have a CD I'd like her to take with her because her long car trip will be the perfect opportunity to listen to the material. She's curious. She makes her way downtown and asks me to get her lunch to take with her on her trip. I do. I give her the lunch and the CD. The CD is David Schnarch's Secrets of a PASSIONATE MARRIAGE- How to Increase Sexual Pleasure and Emotional Fulfillment in Committed Relationships
Off she went. She returned several hours later, no mention of the material that I gave her. I leave to pick up our children from daycare and school at 5:00. On my way to pick them up, I speak with W by phone. Still no mention of our talk that she promised the previous evening, and no mention of the CD material. Frustrated, I tell her that it's obvious to me that she said all that she needed to say to me so I won't bother her with talking to me again. She says wait, I listended to the entire first CD and I'm listening to the second CD. I tell her, well you and I have spoken numerous times since you retrned and that is the FIRST time you mentioned listening to them. I asked her what did you think of the material? Interesting? Bullshit? I already knew all of that? Why is he bothering me with this? W: No, I didn't know any of that and it was all VERY interesting. I still want to listen to the other CD. I'll call you back when we close the office at 5:30. Unfortunately, she didn't call. I truly believe she's afraid of her own feelings, afraid of growing up, and afraid of finding out who she truly is. It's much easier for her to run; in the short term anyway.
This much I have figured out; I need to work diligently on detachment from her, whuch unfortunately will include NOT doing so many little favors for her. If she is still so intent on D, then I am intent on allowing her to taste D BEFORE it actually occurs, but with as much respect because D is NOT necessary for both of us to have fulfilling lives. I will still love her, but I am now working to be detach and be indifferent until she SHOWS me her intention to work on reconciling her M; her intention to make personal changes; her intention to GROW UP.
I guess this is the Last Resort Technique. All I know is that my inability to detach has done nothing positive except keep my W from pressing harder on her D path. I know it has prolonged my pain and my D's confusion. No more. If I must move forward without W, then I WILL. My own PMA and confidence has grown enough to allow me to affirm that I have atoned and made amends for my A. My PMA and confidence have allowed me to SHOW my W who I am today; my changes and growth; my love for her and my willingness to STAND for her and our M; my continuing care for and doting on our children irregardless of HER decision on our M; my strength and honor.
I am proud of who I am today. I am proud of the changes I have made and will continure to make. My sitch has put me on a journey of self-discovery and I like tha man that I have rediscovered. I know that I will continue on my quest to be the man that God always intend for me to be from the beginning. I cannot chase W to discuss what personal changes she is gaining from what I offer. Unless she initiates the conversation, I will not broach the subject. Unless she asks me for books to read or other material, I won't offer what I've acquired recently in my journey.
I know that detaching will be extrememly difficult for me, but I also know that I must, because my W needs some prodding to make changes in her path and in her willingness to participate again in our M, and truly detaching is the ONLY thing I haven't done. The only thing left for me to do is to begin withdrawing ME from her to bring the REALITY of HER choice to the forefront of her consciousness so that, hopefully, she will stop running and start being an adult; honor and be her authentic self.
Along this journey, I have tried to stay upbeat and positive. I will strive to continue. Thanks for 'listening.'
Well, Hopefull Husband , I don't know how to start.
You are doing everything 100% correct in my opinion. Everything. You have both feet on the ground, you are working on you. What can I tell you bud. You are doing things right. Everything right, IMO.
I agree with the detaching, LRT. Give her a taste of the D before it happens. That's where I'm at right now too.
Quote: Well, Hopefull Husband , I don't know how to start. Unfortunately, neither do I. My W is definitely a tough nut to crack. Please read my next post and I'll fill you in on more 'stuff' in my sitch. You are doing everything 100% correct in my opinion. Everything. Thank you. I appreciate your vote of confidence. My 100% of doing things correctly has gotten me 0% of REAL positive movement out of my W. You have both feet on the ground, you are working on you. And THAT is my sole consolation. I have worked on my learning about and improving myself tirelessly. My W asked me one time why I was working on myself so much? I told her, my self-help work is my gift to me. I get to keep my improvements in me regardless of what happens between us. What can I tell you bud. You are doing things right. Everything right, IMO. I am of the mind that EVERYTHING I am doing is correct. I have worked diligently to show my W patience, kindness, love, respect and honesty, because that is what she deserves. I have stayed in my authentic self, acting from love, intgegrity, honesty, patience, understanding and now, most importantly, <b>respect for myself</b>. I have kept my backsliding to a minimum even thought I am going through the toughest personal crisis of my life. And mosst importantly, I have focused on the two innocents in my life, my beautiful and perfect children, who have kept me grounded, sane, and pointed in the right direction.
I agree with the detaching, LRT. Give her a taste of the D before it happens. That's where I'm at right now too. Please see my next post. And best of luck to you in your sitch.
Stay the course! I WILL! Necessity HAS forced a change in strategy on my though. I am not giving up as of yet, but my sitch must change dramatically OR I must remove myself from harm's way as much as possible.
Alaska
Thank you, My Friend,
HH
P.S. Keep focused on your own well being. THAT is your gift to YOU. I came to THAT realization and to the realization that if I didn't make changes in myself, that I would have nothing different and better to offer to my W should she have a change of heart and change her mind. I also have the luxury of two fantastic children to keep me focused on what is truly necessary for me to feel successful in MY life, which is to raise happy, healthy, whole children.
I have been wanting to take my D back to Disneyland for 2+ years. The last time we went I really wanted to allow D to be the lead in exploring Disneyland on her first time there. Unfortunately, that did not happen, as the trip included MIL, BIL (wife's brother), and the rest of W's family. To make a long story short, MIL is a take charge kind of vacation person, which works great for my W, but NOT for me. I wanted to focus our (mine and my W's) attention on our D. W was clearly focused on being mommy's 'good little girl' instead of focusing on her own D. Addtionally, MIL was focused on her 35 yr. old drunk/addict son and HIS! needs and was coddling him like he was 2 yrs old. To this day, W sees NO problem with MIL's behavior and focus. I don't have a problem with MIL's focus, it's her life. I do have a problem with W's focus and refusal to put the needs of her D ahead of her own needs to meet MIL's (in W's eyes) expectations of the 'good little girl.' <---(serious unhealed childhood wounds)
Regardless, I wanted to take my D back there and spoke with my W about my plans. She seemed disturbed. the conversation went like this: me: What's the matter? W: Nothing. Wellm I can't believe that you are planning on taking our children away from me for 5 days. me: I really didn't think it was going to be a problem. YOU are leaving them for 10 days and that doesn't seem to be bothering you. (Mind you, this trip was planned with OM originally!) W: Well, it is. I am having a real hard time with mising them now and leaving them. me: What's the REAL issue? W: I am not going to be with them for 3 weekends in a row (MY UNSPOKEN THOUGHT: Due to your f*cking trip planning w/o regard to supposedly missing your children; looks eerily similar to your party planning and identical in who's needs you have been focused on meeting. YOUR OWN!) And then you are going to take them away on MY weekend and I won't be with them again. me: Erica, I was planning on taking them on M weekend. I've NEVER planned activities/trips for our away from you on your time. Can we at least agree on that? W: Yeah, I guess so. (REALITY: Never is the absolute truth. More blaming me for her bad feelings.) me: Do you want to go with us. Is that the real issue? You are invited to attend if you want to come. W: Of course I'd like to go to Disneyland with our children, but I don't know about the whole 'going as a family' thing. And I really don't know how I feel about going with you. me: Well, then consider yourself uninvited.
On Wednesday evening, I was planning my trip and at the point of entering the # of adults, I entered 1. My integrity got me thinking and I broached the subject with Frank. Frank helped me verbalize my feelings, which were that I did want W to go to Disneyland with our children and I could certainly give her her necessary distance.
On Thursday, I nervously broached the subject of going to Disneyland with us again and I posed it to her as, "What would make it work for you?", expecting a negative response. She actually responded VERY positively with very little in the way NEEDS that would make it work for her. I was feeling good about the interaction and the outcome. Wasted nervousness. W asked if she could come over and see our children on TH evening and I said it would be fine. We went to dinner and when she was going to leave realized she had a flat tire.
She called Honda Roadside Assistance and they came out after an hour. She spent the entire time in her car talking on the phone to 'friends.' RED FLAG!
The next morning, I needed to help her neighbor move one last box from her old house to her new house. I just KNEW that OM was back in her life/bed. Neighbor wasn't there yet, and I drove 2 houses down and OM's car was parked out front. So much for her boundaries and breaking up with OM. I was certainly disappointed and sad.
W then sends me a text message several hours later that she would be into the office later. Why she sent that to me, I do not know. My response was, "K." I didn't call her until I was almost ready to leave, and I told her I was going to pick up our children When I cam into the office, W asked me why I was leaving the office so early? I told her I missed my children and wanted to see them NOW. W said she missed our children terribly and told me she had plans that evening but wanted to know if it would be OK if she stopped by to see our children. I told her NO, that would NOT be OK. THAT was a strange answer for me because I didn't hesitate and I didn't worry that she would be upset with me, I just told her my truth/boundary and stuck with it.
I left the office and called Frank to fill him in on what happended. In relating my story, I became aware of my need to tell W that I SAW OM's car in front of her house. I called W: me: What were you doing last night and this morning? W: After I left your place I went home and talked on the phone with a 'friend' then I went to bed. me: That whole 'friend' thing still cracks me up. W: (Silence. She knows I am curious about who the 'friend' is. Remember, last night she sat outside talking on the phone to a 'friend' plus her plans were messed up by the flat tire. What amazes me is that W ALWAYS has plans to be out EVERY night she doesn't have the children. EVERY NIGHT! This goes right along with what my counselor said about W, that she CAN'T be alone.} me: Really? Then what were you doing this morning? W: Sleeping. me: Really? That's the story you want to stick with? W; Yes, why are you asking me about this like this? me: Because I want the truth. This is your opportunity to tell me the truth. (She's lied to me SOOO much during our sitch.) Be honest with me. Don't lie. THAT'S the truth you're sticking with? W: Yes! me: OK. I have a different question for you. Whose car was parked out in front of your house this morning? W: What were you doing in front of my house this morning, spying on me? me: It is irrelevant HOW I know. (Thank you, Frank) Whose white mustang was parked in front of your house? (Of course, I already knew the answer, I needed her to know that I KNOW.) W: OM's. But he wasn't there last night or this morning. me: Oh, are you two back together now? W: NO, I broke up with him. me: Well, if he wasn't there, how did his car get there? Never mind, don't answer that. It doesn't matter. I don't want another lie. W: It's true. He wasn't there! me: Oh, that makes sense. I always leave my car at my ex-girlfriend's house. You know what, W, you are a toxic person. I've had it with you lying to me. Since we split, I've seen how easily f*cking other men and lying has come for you. I trusted you implicitly while we were together despite red flags to NOT trust you so much. At this point, I don't believe cheating NOR lying is actually new behavior for you. W: Well you cheated. me: Yes, I did. And that all ended ages ago. I have acted with love, honesty and integrity since we split. You have not. I made some decisions for myself. Going forward, I will limit our conversatins to specific topics regarding our children and specific work issues. I find you toxic in my life and THAT I will no longer tolerate. Regarding my trip to Disneyland, you are not welcome. If you change your mind about working on your M, let me know. I need for you to stop f*cking other men and lying. W: Well, that means that you can't see the kids when I am with them. me: THAT is fine. Keep that in mind when you are wanting me to be with our children on YOUR time.
This was another amazing interaction for me for two reasons:
1 W stayed on the phone the whole time and didnt' hang up, even offering a lame excuse for OM's car being in front of her house despite them being broken up
2 Again I didn't fear W being pissed at me and I was able to deliver my message clearly, completely, and without emotion.
Anyway, THAT was a lot of crap in one day! Unfortunately, in my mind, it was overdue. I needed to set my boundaries and stick to them out of respect for myself and this is my way of demanding respect from W. My patience is NOT infinite and she has shown me enough hardness of heart, selfishness and brattiness to force me to move. I am still open to reconciliation, but SHE must now make her intention known to me and THEN do her share of the work to make our M what God always intended for it to be. I have taken responsibility for my contribution to the deterioration of our M. I have made a consistent concerted effort to grow as a man, husband, and father. I have STOOD for my W, M and family with love, patience, kindness, respect, honesty and integrity. I coninue to pray for me, my W, my family, and my M. If you can spare the positive thoughts and enerty, send them my way to do what is honorable and right at all times. Thanks for lisening.
Thank you for always doing that for me. I have to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, my focus fixed on my task, and my eyes pointed upward to Him. 
We make progress, then either I backslide and she runs or she just runs. 