Today I went to lunch with my W and I was feeling really defeated and it showed on my fact. W kept asking me what was on my mind and I finally told her that I had been thinking about our lunch from 10/16 when she told me that she wasn't in a hurry to proceed with the D and I asked her, "Are we still in a 'holding pattern'?" She thought about it for a minute and then told me that she still plans to file for the D, and that filing 'doesn't mean anything.' I took off my wedding band and laid it on the table in front of her. Her eyes teared up as I told her, YES it does. Our conversation went on like this:
Me: Yes it does, it makes EVERYTHING different. W: Why did you do that? Me: Because it means less and less to me every day. I know that I deserve to have someone in my life who loves me the way that I love her. I understand that that's not you and that makes me sad. W: more tearing and dabbing her eyes. Me: I know that if you choose to end our M that I will be fine. Sad, but fine. I know I am going to be happy in my life and I would love for you to particpate in my life going forward. Are you willing to do anything to reconcile our M? W: I don't know. I just don't believe that I can change my feelings for you. Me: Can we at least agree that you were VERY attracted to me in the beginning? W: Yes, I was VERY attracted to you, but that was a looong time ago. I just don't think I can change my feelings for you. Me: What makes me sooo lucky that your feeling for me are unchangeable? I then gave her several examples of her feelings changing regarding other people. W: Listens and smiles because she knows I am making a valid point with her with regard to her ability to change her feelings about people. Me: I know that you have lost your way and I also know that those feelings can be recaptured IF you are simply willing to participate with me. W: I just don't see how. I've done EVERYTHING. I am sad. Me: Are you willing to at least participate with me to see if WE can work on changing your feelings for the positive. W: What do you plan on doing? Me: If I told you, you would know what to expect and THAT would be defeating for helping you re-develop you attraction for me. W: Nodded, knowingly. Me: I have some reading that I'd like to loan you and I'd like you to read it and discuss the content with me, if you would be willing. (She nodded in agreement)
NOTE: I have Rekindling Desire at home now. I also told W to read DB, which I loaned to her ages ago. I am going to order The Sex Starved Marriage from the DB online store.
For my W, her issue with me is that she doesn't have the sexual attraction for me that a W and H need to have for e/o. The rest of our R is fine, but SEX is the main sticking point and one that she does not feel she will be able to get past to have changed feelings for me. Our previous MC told W that she loses interest in sex with her partner when it's no longer new and filled with butterflies feeling, etc. We are definitely NOT new, but she needs something to grab hold of to help her understand that she WILL regain her sexual attraction to me when she points herself in the right direction to find what she is searching for.
I also told W that I would schedule counseling and al she needed to be willing to do at this point is to participate. She keeps on saying that she doesn't know what to do and I told her, yes you do! You want a D. Rather than working on reconciling you M, you want to quit, give up, surrender. She said she's willing to put in some work after I questioned her on whether or not she had left NO STONE UNTURNED in trying to find WHAT to do to fix her marriage.
So, NOW the ball is in MY court! I have the opportunity to offer reading material to a WILLING W to work on figuring out what her sexual attraction issue is towards me. PLUS, Frank has steered me in the right direction for female attraction information and NOW I am going to re-read that information5 times in the next 5 days and practice applying all of the information/behavior on my W to push her attraction buttons.
PLEA FOR ASSISTANCE! Any suggestions regarding reading for my W about rekindling SEXUAL attraction for your spouse that you have read and recommend would be greatly appreciated. THIS is where the rubber meets the road in my M!
