Here I am again with more 'stuff' from today. W and I had very nice interactions today. She seems to be moving closer to being more comfortable with being physically (geographically) close with me and also in having intimate discussions (NOTHING) about OR nor anything sexual. All of that stands to reason because I haven't been able to go there with her yet in my sitch.
I am growing restless in our holding pattern rather than being happy that we are not presently progressing down the D path, BUT we are still on the D path and still looking down it. When I am in my right mind, I do take our present stationary position and understand that the interactions that I am having with my W are pleasant, for the most part. She has told me, and I have chose to believe her, that she is through with running around and acting crazy. As I have stated, I err on the side of grace with my W. My love for her is strong enough to give her the benefit of the doubt and once again expose my neck to her in loving trust that, as she says, she has changed. The ball is now in HER court. She may continue to run and do hurtful things to me, but I have become somewhat steeled to her antics and I have also become much stronger. I know that I will be fine if she chooses to end our marriage; sad but fine. I also know that I have the ability to save our M alone by being willing to STAND for my W, my M, my family and what is right until she finally sees God's will and CHOOSES to join me in the fight for our M.
Right now I believe she is confused and she still doesn't trust me. More than that, she doesn't trust herself; especially after all of the smack she has talked about me and after her behavior over the past 8+ months. She is a proud woman and that pride is going to make breaking through our troubles THAT much worse.
I am striving to stay strong and pray lots for His guidance, grace, mercy, love and strength. I know that we will make it through this long dark tunnel. I see the bright sunny daylight at the other end which is beckoning me and my family like a lighthouse on a stormy evening. I know that my restless about the current state of my M and sitch is simply due to my impatience.
My patience has grown tew-fold during my sitch, as has my gratitude for His love and strength. I pray daily for my W, myself and my family. I remember that prayer IS the greater work. Thank you all for reading and allowing me the opportunity to do more self-counseling through posting in this BB.
