I should not be up at this time, but I took a nap today with my son after church and brunch for 3 hours. Now I can't sleep. Well, there's always tonight.
This weekend was a lot of fun with S and D. On Saturday, we went to the park with SIL and her son. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. Low 80's. Just perfect. All of the kids had so much fun. D got her face painted by Linda, the face paintin' fairy who is always there and the boys were running around enjoying the small slides and petting the sheeep. Those two 1 year olds have a blast together. They are so fun to watch and my D has boundless energy. W came over to meet us and eat lunch. Was a VERY nice interaction.
Most of our interactions are VERY nice. THAT makes her reluctance all that much more confusing, but I am working on developing even greater patience.
Below is some of my e-mail to a friend about my sitch. It's gonna be cut and pasted, but here it goes:
The Saskia Davis information really helped me to keep my situation in perspective and reminded me WHY continue fighting the good fight and WHO I must continue to give the benefit of the doubt to. About a 2 years ago I heard a sermon on the radio from Adventure Christian Church in Roseville, CA. The pastor was talking about Christianity and family. In particular, he was talking about marriages and kept talking about himself and the fact that he always strived to err on the side of grace, espcially with regard to his wife. THAT stuck with me so much that it has continued to loop in my head two years later and I strive to err on the side of grace with my wife.
I am certainly not perfect and NOT without sin and I strive to behave in the way that I would want others to behave towards me. I know that Jesus continues to show me mercy, love and grace and I have taken His virtue and worked to apply it in my life, and especially towards my wife. As I said before, Saskia Davis said the Syptoms of Inner Peace are:
1. A tendency to thing and act spontaneously rather than based on past experience.
Again, hit home with me because I was focusing on my more recent past experience with my wife and was punishing her because I was hurt rather than erring on the side of grace and allowing her to PROVE what she says about her more recent changes for the good is true and accurate rather than believing it is a lie because I have been so hurt in the recent past. THAT stance was being judgmental and had the potential to kill all of my DB/DR efforts up to this point by (me) being as a$$ to my W.
2. A loss of interest in judging other people. A loss of interest in judging self. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
All of this had been my signature way of ruining my life and my relationships with others, especially those most dear to me. I used to believe that I was 'hardwired' to act like a harda$$ and be impatient and judging. I spent a year attending a ment's group and I was taught and I came to undrestand that: (1) I am NOT 'hardwired' any way, I simply have DEEPLY ingrained behavioral habits; (2) people, including me, don't have 'buttons' that get pushed that will set me off on a tirade, it's simply me reverting back to a bad choice and those DEEPLY ingrained habits; and (3), I have the ability to meet ALL of my needs and I must stop looking to others to meet MY needs that only I can actually meet for myself without relying on another person and then judging them for not doing what I should have been doing which is meeting my own needs.
Two of my more glaring defects were being impatient and being judgemental and since I was always MOST impatient with myself and was constantly judging myself, no one else escaped my wrath. I am still working on replacing those poor deeply ingrained behavioral habits with regular consistency knowing that when I become 'expert' with these new 'tools', these new behaviors will become so commonplace, ingrained, and natural that when I have stress, hurt, anger, disappointment, sadness, and/or fatigue I will fall back on these new familiar behaviors because they are instinctual and I will have overwritten the old poor behavior and that old poor behavior will not be reverted to by instinct. I am still working so hard on not being impatient with and judgemental of myself. THIS is hard F-ing work to change 40 years of programming. Ugh.
So, with all of this, I am working my a$$ off to NOT judge my W, not judge myself, and not judge others. Plus, along those same lines I am replacing judging with accepting behaviors and thougts. When my W acts out, I am becomign better at not re-acting. I am thinking rationally first and THEN either letting it go or responding in a thought out, loving way to help us through the rough spot of the moment. Often simply walking away is the best medicine. Tonight was a great example. I spent a couple of hours with my family today, including W, and I stopped by to drop off some of my D's clothes and my W snapped at me. I didn't say a word, just walked to the garage, gathered some of my stuff and exited through the side garage door and sent her a text message that said, "Bye. Hope you have a good rest of your evening." Her response to me from her MySpace page was, "Sorry if I grouched at you on your way out tonight. I didnt mean to. Just really tired and want to get my office work done." She posted this on the 'public' section of my page. Wow. A 'public' apology. I told her it was no problem and that I understood. Nothing to apogize for. I am really working at NOT reacting and NOT interpreting the actions of others, especially her. I'm getting there.
I believe I do know how to help my situation without causing more trouble. I have always known that I could affect my sitch on my own, especially negatively. It is THAT that I work to avoid. I truly hope my W will turn the corner and start working her way back towards me. I would love for her to look me in the eye and thank me for never giving up despite how everything looked, despite her behavior, despite being so hurt and pessimistic. I am working to save my marriage without my S helping, but I do know that I am not alone despite my W's reluctance. God is with me and through Jesus' loving hand I have been guided and sometimes even carried in His mercy and grace. Without God, I would never have made it this far. With Him ALL things are possible. I know that HE wants my M to survive, even more than I do. I know that He wants my famiy to come together intact, stronger, to be a living, breathing bold proclamation of His power, grace, love and mercy.
Not reacting, yes OVERreacting, too, is tough to keep a lid on. Swallowing hard often causes me to choke, but it's better than backsliding. My next phase of keeping my mouth shut is to stop making any visible reactions or low sounds that all come across as judgments and hurt my W immeasurably. Until I can stop my judgments altogether, I must work to stop my outward displays because my 'attempts' are half-ass and ineffective and my stupiditiy in these instances are inexcusable and immature. I'm working on it though.
I am determined to win this battle with the enemy for my W and family. And with God in my corner for strength, strategy and encouragement, we WILL win. ***&end of e-mail****
As I said, most of my interactions with my W are VERY nice. Problem is though, I live in fear that I will do or say the wrong thing and my W will run from me again. I know I am not perfect. I also know that my W does not trust me or herself right now and I don't want to lose my M right now, especially since it still so incredibly fragile. She's closer to me now than she's ever been in my sitch and I do interact with her quite well without needing to really OVERthink it much, but I'd be lying if I said I don't fear our R going back to where it was 2+ months ago.
I still STAND for my W and M and I know that my willingness to STAND is why our R has started to climb out the hole into which it fell quite some time ago. I do realize that had I followed the advice of most of the people in my life, my M would have been over long ago and the D would be less than 2 months away. Thankfully, I followed God's plan and will and refused to stop fighting the good fight because I still have a LOT of fight left in me and the fightin' ain't done. I also thank God for blessing me with a great chin, because after all that my W has hit me with, I have yet to have a full day of questioning MY OWN sanity in deciding to get up off the canvast and go "one more round" over and over. I likened my sitch to a 15-round championship boxing match because it's tough, it requires stamina, requires a game plan, and requires the will to win. Well, I have all of those PLUS I have God in my corner. I have all I need to win. When things looked bleak, I'd remind myself that we were only in the early rounds and since everything is stalled right now, I remind myself that alghough 'holding our own' is a good thing, treading water is a good sign because time is on my side, giving me more opportunities to have more positve inteactions with my W and make more positive memories which will make the negative memories of my M more distant and less strong for both my W and I, thus making our journey towards restoration and reconciliation that much more likely to happen.
After I left the park with our children, I took S home for a nap and when he woke up we went to a pumpkin patch/carnival for the evening. W was going to meet us there but decided she needed to go home to work, but ended up sleeping for 13+ hours. Good for her. I had a great time with our children!
The next morning, the children and I went to church. D had to have a donut so we hung out after church and visited with friends. When we got back to my place, W called and asked if the children and I were still going to go out for breakfast. I told her we were and she asked if she could come. I had already invited her, which I do each Sunday, and I told her yes, she was welcone, of course.
We all went to breakfast and had a nice time. When breakfast was finished, W offered to take D6 with her to run errands and do 'girly stuff.' D went and they had a great time. S and I napped. I didn't sleep well the night before.
We had made plans to have dinner with SIL and her family so S and I went over there and met W and D + SIL and her family. Dinner was nice and fun and then W needed to get our children home for bed. It was right after this that my W was in a mood and barked at me. I am happy to say that although I had a feeling about it, that's all it ended up being, a feeling. I kept my composure and treated her with kindness and respect. THAT is what I mean by erring on the side of grace with my W.
Well, that's it for my weekend saga in my Sitch of Hope. Lots of time with W, most of it great. In speaking with Frank, I do know that I need to continue to push her attraction 'buttons' and trigger her attraction for me which she feels is dead and I know is only dormant. Time is on my side, but I need to work quickly and diligently to continue improving myself and my M.
