I’m baaaaack! Not that most of you were missing me, but here I am and I have a lot to say. I actually did write a great deal of stuff like I said I would and then laid down for., what I thought was going to be a minute, but I fell asleep and my computer logged me off and killed all of my work. Oh well. That’s why, today, I know this is going to be a long post and I don’t want that to happen again, so I am typing it on Word and will cut and paste it onto the BB to post. Live and learn.
The last time I really posted was back on 9/12 + two response posts on 9/22 and 10/4, so here goes, for those who are interested in my sitch of HOPE! I’ll try to do this in order chronologically, but forgive me if it ends up convoluted despite my best efforts.
1. RECAP. Back on September 7, W and I had a DB MC session with Vernetta. I posted about this back on 9/8. The session went remarkably well and W participated fully during the session. In fact, I could hardly get a word in and Vernetta kept checking in on me to see if I was doing OK despite not having the opportunity to talk much.
The silence after the MC was deafening and W continued on with her normal BS of being pissy with me about [censored] I had no control over. The evening of 9/7 she goes out to dinner with a ‘friend’ who is a young woman who turns out to be OM’s sister!! I found this out a month later. (9/8)
Frank posted to me back on 9/10 that W has a head full of ‘what ifs’ and I must keep that in mind because I know she doesn’t trust herself. Plus, during our MC session with Vernetta, W did say that her ‘ideal’ is for our marriage to reconcile and for us to go forward in our M in a much more loving and successful way. W also told Vernetta that she believed that married couples should work through any problem and W also concurred with V that she still has ‘fight’ left in her and that she doesn’t give up easily. Unfortunately, W is still reluctant and afraid to make the leap of faith to realize her ‘ideal.’
On 9/11, W’s silence was finally interrupted by W telling me that she was going to Hawaii with OM, but that the days weren’t definite yet. Great day that 9/11, terrorists choose to attack America on that day (different year, of course) and W chooses to let me in on her ‘news.’ Yay. NOT! I posted about this on 9/12.
After this I only posted my LONG responses to two posts. Now, to bring everyone up to today in my sitch.
2. Two weeks pass with a lot of talking with and leaning on Frank, praying, reading, and reflecting. On 9/26 W probes me in her usual ‘round’a’bout’ way, as follows:
W- Do you have your calendar with you? Me- What do you need (already suspicious of ulterior motives)? W- Are you busy on TH? Me- What do you really mean to ask me? W- Well, I have ‘tentatively’ scheduled our next mediation session for TH and since you never signed your papers and returned them, they will re-draw them and you can sign them then and our D can be final in November. NOTE- I figured the timing out of the Hawaii trip with OM shortly thereafter. She was trying to make the ‘love’ trip coincide with her newfound single-dom. Oops. Me- I am floored by her underhanded ways. I tell her that I need to think about what I am willing to do at that time. W- You are so selfish. You only think about yourself, etc. Me- I am not going to be ‘guilted’ into anything else again. You guilted me into going to the mediator in the first place. I didn’t want a D then and I don’t want one now. You do NOT need my permission to D me. If you are going to walk us through the D door, then hire an attorney and have me served. I will wait for the papers. I am NOT going to fight this, but I am also NOT going to assist you in effecting a D that I do NOT want. NOTE- She’s pissed at me, but that does not stop her from scheduling a signing for which I will need to spend three hours with our children during HER scheduled time with them nor does it stop her from planning a Bday party (on 9/30) for the previously mentioned ‘POS Petunia,’ my SIL’s 25 year old best friend. I pick up our children and have them for a full day on HER weekend with them so she can party and act like a bratty child. When she comes to pick up our children at my place she promptly falls asleep on my couch.
3. I have our children on 10/7. W- calls me to ask me if I want to spend time with our children on 10/14 because she has plans and the children can’t come with her. Again this is HER weekend with our children. Me- why do you need me to spend time with our children again on your weekend? What are you doing? W balks Me- Well, since we are being so open and honest right now, what are you doing? W- I am having a party at my house. Me- For whom? W- for OM and some other people also. Me- I’ll have to think about my willingness to spend time with our children on YOUR weekend. NOTE- I refuse to ‘switch’ weekends with W, and have done so consistently. I tell her that I will usually spend time with our children during HER time, but I will NOT switch; she simply forfeits her time. W asks why and I tell W that I am working on GAL which is already extremely difficult and working around W’s whims and schedule makes it next to impossible.
4. 10/10- W tells me that I haven’t given her an answer about 10/14. I call her back after my TaeKwonDo class and inform her that what she is doing is “hurtful, demeaning and humiliating.” W- fine. Hangs up.
5. 10/11- W calls me to ask me if I will reconsider being with our children on 10/14. I tell her no. 6. 10/12- W tells me she really needs me to be with our children or our children will just have to be at home while the party is going on. Me- No. W- I am so sorry that I didn’t clear this with you ahead of time. Me- I am not interested in you apology. I said no. I have affirmed that answer twice already and I mean NO. I tell her, you are a mother first and foremost, NOT a party thrower. NOTE- I would not have allowed my children to be there at the party with W as the caregiver for our children. Had she not made arrangements for them to be elsewhere, I would have called the Sheriff Dept. and had our children removed from her care and I would have called CPS next. Luckily, she did not make that necessary.
Later on in the day, I was talking with MIL about a different topic and MIL asked me if I refused to be with my children on 10/14. Me- Yes. Did W tell you why she asked me to be with them? MIL- Yes, she is throwing a party. She said you are being mean. Me- Did she tell you for whom? MIL- Yes. Me- Let me tell you exactly what I said to her. I told her that her behavior is “hurtful, demeaning and humiliating,” and I will not willingly subject myself to such treatment. Period. MIL- W asked me if I thought W was wrong in asking me to take our children while W throws a party for OM. MIL said that she told W that she was incredibly wrong to ask and to have the expectation that I was going to grant her request. NOTE- MIL was leaving town the next day and she was not an option to be with my children on 10/14.
Evening of 10/13- W is upset and I already know ‘stuff’ has happened in Fairytale Town with OM without her even telling me. She wears her affair hurts out in the open for me to see.
7. 10/13- Wife has me ‘served’ by one of OUR co-workers with copies of the papers that the mediator originally mailed to me that I never signed and returned. I picked them up and told the lady thank you, and W was standing in the doorway snickering, “You’ve been served.”
I am shocked by W’s lack of class. I call MIL, who is on a flight, and leave her a msg to call me back about her daughter. I then type an e=mail and I notice that my W is reading over my shoulder. I stop and grab her chair and roll her forward telling her, “Don’t sneak. I have nothing to hide. You can read this. I finished the e-mail, sent it, printed it, and handed W the printout telling her, “Here’s your copy.”
Shortly thereafter, I saw W and co-working having another ‘secret’ conversation and I walked up to W and said who is your attorney? The name is not on this, holding the document. She said she is not going to get one and asks me, are you? I said, “Absolutely,” matter-of-factly.
10/13- SIL calls me up and asks me if I told W no about being with our children on 10/14. I tell her yes, and explain the story again. SIL is bent, because she was guilted into watching my S because SIL didn’t want son to be at the party with a drunk mommy. SIL’s son is also sick. I tell SIL that I will pick up my son after W drops him off so she can tend to her own son. She says OK and thanks.
8. 10/14- The big day. W drops off S and I pick him up. I send W a message that I have picked up S and that I will have D in the morning and that I want to drop them off to her at NOON or before. She says OK. I send her a text msg telling her to have a fun and happy time that evening. I know that she and OM broke up again already. Knew that on TH and SIL confirmed it on Saturday. W texts me back, “I won’t. I broke up with OM.” My response, “K to your last bit of news.”
9. 10/15- W finally calls back at 12 minutes to NOON and says she will be at my place ‘within the hour.’ She calls me back at 2:30 to tell me that she is now on her way and I tell her that is NOT good. She thinks I am pissed and begins apologizing. I tell her that I am not mad, just disappointed and need for her to pick up our children.
W arrives and sticks around while I do a couple of things and I tell her that I have already changed my plans twice and need for her to take our children and go to her house. W- What are your plans. Me- I don’t want to discuss them with you. W- What are you going to be doing. Me- What I had planned before I needed to spend time caring for our children. W- Where are you going? Me- Again, I don’t want to discuss that with you. You forfeited your right to be treated as my W a long time ago. If you were committed to working on your M and committed to being my W, then you would have a right to know exactly what I am doing and with whom. W- But I tell you what I am doing. I tell you everything Me- I know you have plenty of ‘secrets’ regarding your activities in you personal life. You made it clear that your personal life is none of my business and your private time is private. I stopped asking you long ago. W- I tell you anyway. Me. That is what YOU choose to do. I do NOT ask W- I have a right to know. I tell you. You are the father of our children. Me- You have a right to know and with whom when our children are in my care. THAT is the only thing I ask you about your life.
W takes our children to her house and calls me in 2 hours. W- Where are you? Me- That is not something I want to discuss with you. W- What are you doing? Are you downtown? Me- That is not something I want to discuss with you. What do you need? W- Do you have dinner plans? Me- No W- Do you want to have dinner with us? Me-Sure.
I help put the children to bed and leave.
10. 10/16- Wife asks me if I am busy. Me- What do you need? W- Do you have lunch plans? Me- No. Why are you asking? W- Would you like to go to lunch with me? Me- Sure.
AT LUNCH- W- I just want to tell you that I am done running around and acting all crazy. My thought- Don’t tell me. SHOW me. W- I am going to be single (rather than dating) and just be calm and quiet. Me- I am listening and backsliding by opening my mouth. I am getting a handle on that. W needs patience and acceptance, not impatience and judgement. Reality yes, but reality with ‘kid gloves, NOT a sledgehammer. I am getting better at this by the minute Me- You had me ‘served’ with papers on Friday. Are you going to show me the courtesy of letting me know when you go down to the courthouse and filing your D papers so I will know that I can expect to be served court papers. W- Yes. But I don’t plan on going down there for at least two weeks. Me- I asked you when all of this began if you would be willing to consider a formal separation rather than a D. You thought about it but never gave me an answer. Would you be willing consider it now? W- Why, it takes the same amount of work. Me- Because I KNOW that we have enough love for one another still to lay the solid foundation upon which to build our M into what we both always wanted and needed it to be. A separation leaves open the door for reconciliation, unlike a D. W- Why can’t we jus leave things the way they are right now. Just wait. Me- We can. But I am not the driver of this D train. YOU are. If I were the driver of this D train, I would pull it over, turn off the engine, take out the key and throw it away, knowing that, if necessary, I can continue driving the D train on its path. W- Let’s just wait.
And so I wait.
11. 10/17- I went over to her house to drop off some shoes for our children and I overheard W saying, “I just can’t do this.” She was clearly overstressed at that moment and I just stepped forward and took our S out of her arms to put him to sleep. He was overly tired and went down pretty quickly. I said goodnight to our D and left W’s house. W had OM’s sister over to visit. Strangely, she seems nice. I just smiled at W and OM’s sis, said goodnight and left. 12. 10/18- Speaking with W earlier today. Me- I don’t understand why I keep fielding calls for your stuff. People keep calling me. It used to be the other way around. W- I know. I like it. Me- You used to get all of the calls before. W- I know. And I would be pissed if I didn’t get the info. But I am not a control freak anymore. NOTE: She keeps saying things like this about how she has changed and I am reluctant to believe her because of all of her behavior over that past 8 months. BUT, I have come to a decision that works for me. I AM going to start accepting what she says at face value until she proves otherwise to me.
Speaking with W tonight. I sent her a message that I wanted to talk to her. Honestly, I just wanted to hear her voice and to connect with her. She asked me what I needed and had work stuff to discuss with her so I did.
She made a comment to me yesterday that she KNOWS that I still don’t want a divorce. She made a comment to me today that she knows that I don’t want to be living where I am living; that I want to be home with her. I want to be upset that she knows what she knows, but I must trust that God is working in His ways and in His time I take comfort in the knowledge that she knows that I STAND.
As I said before, I owe her: 1. Patience 2. Love 3. Kindness 4. Honesty 5. Respect.
She still has that piece of paper on her desk. She knows I wrote and printed that about her and how I feel about her. Now the rubber meets the road. Now we separate the men (me now) from the boys (the old me).
I have worked so hard since February 11 to get to this point of even have the remotest possibility to redeem myself, to restore my R, to reconcile my M. NOW, with everything closer to my grasp than it has ever been, the real work begins.
Yes Amy, that most certainly includes more knee time than ever, expressing gratitude, asking for help and turning over control to Him.
Yes Frank, that also most certainly includes continuing to work on practicing and improving my understanding of and skill in implementing The Way of the Superior Man in my life and to continue working to push my W’s attraction buttons as discussed in How to Be Attractive to the Woman You Love. And of course, bending your ear so I can be grounded in the developments in my sitch in real time. I am forever indebted to you for you patience and kindness, my friend.
Thank you to all of you, for your thoughts, perspective, encouragement, love and prayers. I am stronger because of all of you. Keep on keepin' on with me. I will continue fighting the good fight until the fightin's done and I stand victorious on the mountaintip with my W and my family as a living, breathing testament to the power, glory, grace, and love of God.
