Need Help Staying on my Feet, Pt. 6

[frank_D]

HH,


You r W is starting to become AWARE of shat she wants but she also doesn't trust herself. She has a lot of "what if's" in her head.

It's going to take time to rebuild the trust, and that comes with consistent, predictable actions on your part. Being the superior man.

She verbalized in your meeting that she DID want your marriage to work. However, she doesn't want to take the risk yet. Still chasing the circus.

[Still_Standing]

Thank you, Frank. You are my guiding light in being The Superior Man.

You r W is starting to become AWARE of shat she wants but she also doesn't trust herself. She has a lot of "what if's" in her head.

During my sitch, I have learned that the most importand attribute that I lack is patience. I have developed a great deal of patience during my sitch, but I still have such a long way to go to be a truly patient person. I still tend to want what I want and I want it NOW! Ugh. She will trust herself again, with regards to me and what is right. I will help her to find that trust with gentle, assertive, patient leadership.

It's going to take time to rebuild the trust, and that comes with consistent, predictable actions on your part. Being the superior man.

Thank you, Frank. I understand and I will keep reading, studying and applying that information to my life. Again, I will help her to find that trust in me and in herself with gentle, assertive, reassuring and patient leadership.

She verbalized in your meeting that she DID want your marriage to work. However, she doesn't want to take the risk yet. Still chasing the circus.

I realize that she doesn't trust the changes that I have made as being real and/or lasting and more importantly she doesn't trust her own sense of what is right for her despite what she is beginning to recognize as the TRUTH. Great news is, my patience, kindness, grace and love grow leaps and bounds daily! She will tire of chasing the circus and when her exhuastion sets in and she falls, her LION will still be there STANDing to help her back to her feet and to walk with her on OUR path to redemption, restoration, rebuilding and reconciliation in the glow of God's mercy, grace and glory! Amen.

[Still_Standing]

Amy, my love, you have once again hit my sitch with marksman's (marksWOMAN'S?) aim. Thnk you for your timeliness and accuracy. My sitch is not nearly as unique as originally thought and often times still do think it us because, I like so many othesrs, cannot see the forest for the trees!

"...though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: for the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through
God to the pulling down of strongholds".
2 Corinthians 10:3-4

Yes,the weapons of our warfare are truly NOT carnal, but spiritual. I converse with God daily for the strengthening of my and my W's resolve to persevere through the pulling down of strongholds to win this war. I will not surrender. I pray to Jesus to lay his hands upon me and to steady me in the face of the enemy's storm that he has unleashed upon me anew today. I lay my injured W and fractured M at the foot of the cross so that, bathed in His precious and holy blood, my W, my M and my family sanctified, strengthened, solidified and resurrected in His glory.

The enemy has a stronghold in your wife's life in the form of OM, you can bet the enemy is going to come after the breakthrough your wife had a few days ago, and he will likely come in the same manner that he's already got your wife bound.

Come he did through his minion, OM, and I was made aware of their plans to go to Hawaii to MIL's condo in November. W felt the need to tell me about it today, telling me that she knew I would not be happy, even though she hadn't solidified the acutal dates. I told her that I wasn't unhappy (thinly veiled lie) about that and then gave the true nature of my feelings when she revealed that she didn't yet know the actual dates, but that they would be gone. I blew up, asking her pointedly and angrily, then why the f*ck did you tell me now? So you could tell me twice?" She, of course, backpedaled facetiously, insisting that she was trying to do what was best my telling me now. I didn't and don't believe that she had altruistic reasons for dumping this [censored] on me on the day before her birthday. In the enemy's own sick mind, the timing was planned to be extra hurtful.

I had convinced myself that I couldn't be hurt any more than I already had been hurt in my sitch, especially with her insistence that we are finished. After our breakthrough counseling session (in my mind) with Vernetta I let down my guard, dropped my self-preservation blanket of caution and threw it to the winds for the enemy to find me naked and ashamed in my exposed weakness and ego. Pride, my long lost companion of the enemy had snuck back into my mind and life and hit me in the back of the head like a thunderbolt sledgehammer. I am still smarting from that thunderous crushing jolt and I am still dizzy and woozy, not so much wondering WHAT hit me, but wondering how I could be so naive and blind to let the enemy circle behind and blindside me so quickly and quietly. Well, I've had my regrets about backsliding in that moment and in several moments while alone thereafter, but luckily I did not seek W out to make an awful mistake even worse with ill intention and malice in my heart.

It is your job to pray her THROUGH.

I will, my knees will callous from my honest and earnest efforts to praise Him for his work and to invite him to continue to rule my life more completely than I have previously allowed up 'til now.

That's your role.

To PRAY.

Upon relating the Hawaii news to my good friend, he told me that he thought it may be time to take off my wedding ring and hand it to my W and tell her that my ring is meaning less and less to me over time. He said he's NOT telling me WHAT to do, but was saying what he felt by watching what I have endured and continue to endure in my sitch. I actually took my ring off, placed it in my right hand, was in W's presence and just couldn't do it because I will walk by FAITH, even when I cannot see! I won't let my W, or any other person for that matter, dictate to me when I am done. I will be done when I am done. Standing there, my wedding ring in my right hand, God reached down and filled my depleted reservoir of resolve full and I put my wedding ring back on my finger and simply said goodbye. No drama. I continue to STAND. I felt my mane, reared up and roared in my heart mind and soul. I am a LION! With God's grace, love and strength, we will pull down the enemy's stonghold in my W and any other strongholds the enemy may bring upon us. My job is to pray my W THROUGH this valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil. I know what evil is all around me, but I fear no evil because I know Who walks with me every step of the way.

Not to take the enemy down on your own.
That is foolish.
Of yourself, you can not defeat him.

You have to pray.
And praise God for the work He has already accomplished.

Lord, please forgive my spiritually youthful overzealous exhuberance and my wanting to spread my spiritually young wings and leap from the nest of God strength on my own for I do NOT know what I do not know. And so, once again, as I find myself so often these days, I drop to my knees in praise and thanks to converse with Our Father and invite Him, once again, to rule my life, reveal His will to me and gently guide me in the proper direction. I choose more of Jesus and less of me.

Now, what you are experiencing in the silence after the awesome counseling session Thursday, is something we've all seen before.

The silence after what we see as such a breakthrough can be devastating and THIS is precisely where your faith is tested to the utmost.
It's not in the waiting FOR the breakthrough, as we all surely thought at first.
No.
It's in the mindnumbing calm that follows it that we almost get driven out of our minds.

I haven't seen it before. I am floored, dazed and hurt again. The silence is deafening. Her footsteps running away from me are ghostly quiet.

But rest.
Be still and know that He is God and the work He has begun in you, He is faithful to complete.

No weapon formed against you or your family shall prosper.

I will rest, in the knowledge that NO weapon formed against me and my family will prosper. I STAND because I BELIEVE! My FAITH grows stronger every day! God comes to rescue me from collapsing under the intense weight of my sadness, hurt and breaking heart, to reassure me, as Frank tells me, that I have the power to manifest what I desire in my life. I only need to make it so. And, I need to rest assured when I am done, that I have done all that is within MY power and that others in my life have their own free will. Over my W's free will, I have not paower, I simply pray that God will make His will known to my W in whatever way she is ready to receive and THEN the CHOICE is still up to her. As you told me, my job is to pray her THROUGH. I will continue to praise God and express my gratitude for the work He has already accomplished. That is my JOB! My family will prosper, I hope that my W chooses to prosper with me and our children. Sadly, I understand that THAT choice is hers and when I have done all that I am capable of doing, God will tell me to let her go without remorse, without sadness, without anger. I continue to give my W the benefit of the doubt. She will make it thorugh with God at her side if she so chooses.

Now tell the enemy so.
Does he know that YOU KNOW who you are in Christ?
Be sure to tell him.
Loudly.

Thank you for telling me that part of my JOB is to TELL the enemy what is so. I have begun and I won't stop until the fightin' is finished. With God at my side, we will prevail in this war with the enemy and his minions. God will tell me when the fightin' is finished OR when our victory is obvious and the REAL work of redemption, restoration, rebuilding, and reconciliation begins. Amen.

[AmyC]

You just talk too much to the wrong person, HH.

Instead of beating a dead horse talking to your wife get busy telling the enemy to get back to pit he crawled out of.

At the Name of Jesus every knee has got to bow.

EVERY knee.

If you want to fight from a position of authority do some studying about spiritual warfare.

Between that and the education you're getting from Frank, you'll be a formidible opponent of the one that wants to destroy your family.


Just one other thing...you asked why she would tell you about that trip right before her birthday and you suggested it was just to hurt you....what the hell does HER birthday have to do with you...unless it was that you wanted to do something for her and now she ruined it....hmmmmm????
well, HH, that just sounds like this is still a little too much about YOU...

Think about it.




Amy

[AmyC]

>>>This is also meant for you to read<<<

[Still_Standing]

Thank you, Amy my love. I love your willingness to participate with me in my life and in my sitch.

You help me to not only keep my motor lowered and in the water to keep me movin' on, you also help me to keep my rudder pointed in the proper direction so that I am much less likely to run myself aground unwittingly. Thank you.

[Still_Standing]

Thank you, Amy love.

You just talk too much to the wrong person, HH.

I know I struggle in this aspect of my life and each and every day I try to improve at least a little bit. Despite appearances, I've actually come a LONG way.

Instead of beating a dead horse talking to your wife get busy telling the enemy to get back to pit he crawled out of.

As usual, you speak the pointed and irrefutable truth that penetrates my heart, mind and soul. Thank you. I will continue making this part of my daily routine, as I do with loving my children and brushing my teeth; it will 'just happen' everyday because I WILL MAKE IT WHAT I DO!

At the Name of Jesus every knee has got to bow.

EVERY knee.

Hallejuah, Sister Amy! Amen!

If you want to fight from a position of authority (AND I DO!) do some studying about spiritual warfare AND I WILL!

Between that and the education you're getting from Frank, you'll be a formidible opponent of the one that wants to destroy your family.

Not to sound cocky, but I AM a formidable opponent of the enemy and his minions and I will only become more formidable as I strengthen and deepen my defenses AND arsenal. I prefer to think of myself as CONFIDENT!

Just one other thing...you asked why she would tell you about that trip right before her birthday and you suggested it was just to hurt you....what the hell does HER birthday have to do with you...unless it was that you wanted to do something for her and now she ruined it....hmmmmm????

Perhaps I posted something that mislead you into believing that my hurt was from anything other than having my foolish ego blanket stripped from me and being exposed naked and weak in front of the enemy. I allowed my hopes to climb out of the dungeon and THAT was my biggest mistake in that I NOW had somewhere to fall because I naively and hastily got up and began climbing out of the dungeon believing that the postive counseling session that we had with Vernetta was anything other than a positive 'sign.'

I wasn't hurt because I had any specific plans for her birthday that were ruined by her revelation that she was planning a trip to Hawaii with OM. I was hurt because I foolishly allowed myself to hope when hope was not yet MINE and this was right on the heals of our counseling and the value that I, not she, placed on it's positiveness. My mistake. I will work harder to not allow that to happen again. It's safer for now to trudge in the depths and do the work from my knees in prayer so that MY hopes are not dashed. Even a fall from 6" is quite painful if you don't see it coming and it catches you by surprise. Can hurt like a motherf*cker! Ugh. Jesus will lead me and He will assist me in manifesting in my life what will allow me to become and remain the man that God always intended for me to be from the beginning.

well, HH, that just sounds like this is still a little too much about YOU...

I know what it sounds like, but that sound is simply me tripping over me and damn near killing myself in the fall. However, I know I do tend to make it too much about me. My situation is in the hands of Jesus. My problem rests in the enemy's always present offer of ego and pride that is often too enticing for me to refuse only to be burned again by my ungratefulness and impatience. I KNOW that I am but a soldier in God's holy army in this ongoing spirital warfare for control of us all.

Think about it.

I have and I do. Thank you for always being with me to provide me with a 'virtual' smack upside the head and a loving nudge in the proper direction.

[Still_Standing]

more journaling- 09/12/06

Today is my W's 32nd birthday. I sent her a birthday msg in the morning and she had a full day of work in the time she was actually working. I needed to tend to my S who is still battling his cold like a trooper. I got him feeling well enough to go to daycare. W picked him up later and took him to the Dr. who told us she can't find anything wrong with him. I take solace in the fact that things could be worse with his illness, but I wish I could magically trade places with that sick little boy.

Anyway, I was approached by MIL about whether or not I was invited to W's birthday festivities and I told her what I knew which was that W said we all were going to dinner, just family. MIL was miffed b/c she couldn't get an answer out of W and had to cover for W at a property longer than she intended or wanted to because W needed to leave to do a signing unbeknownst to MIL. Ooops! I inadvertantl let THAT cat out of the bag. Not my fault though. I didn't know that MIL didn't know. *duck for cover*

Anyway, that all got sorted between those two and plans were made and communicated to me thru MIL rather than W. The dinner was nice and W was happy at the dinner and at the presents she received. All in all, it was very nice. I was happy to participate in hesr birthday celebration in the manner in which I did.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I don't have the children tonight, but I am taking MIL to the airport. Less inconvenient for me, I guess. I don't mind. Same as usual.

[AmyC]

Where have you been, HH???

[Still_Standing]

Amy dear,

I am here. Lurking on the boards and reading. I have my children this weekend and I will post a long post in the next day or two, then I will be back to posting regularly, only MUCH shorter posts more regularly.

I am so happy that you questioned my abssence here. I actually have been thinking about YOU lots. I am in need of your spiritual guidance in strengthening MY resolve in making my STAND. Please post scriptural guidance for me to read to help support my journey towards my personal relationship with Christ, because I understand now that I am only strong enough to continue to STAND with Him at my side to lean on and sometimes, when I am exceptionally weak, I need Him to carry me.

Additionally, I am in need of your spiritual strength, guidance and cheerleading. As you have told me, I cannot win this battle with the enemy alone. I am strong, but often, in the deafening silence, my PMA, my resolve, my strength, and my faith waver until I remember to fall to my knees and invite God back into my life to bless me with His mercy, strength, guidance, grace and love.

ANY scriptural readings you may direct me to to assist me in keepin' on keepin' on in the good fight will be greatly appreciate. As I said, first I will do one long post, then I will be back to posting regularly as to how I am doing in my sitch. In short, though, since our MC session with Vernetta, tbe enemy and OM have stepped up their end of the spiritual warefare and I am working to respond in kind.

AND LASTLY, I have been leaning on poor Frank 'off air' a great deal. He is a wonderful man I am forever grateful that you introduced me to him. Thank you. And thank you for being you.

P.S. How are you doing? Where will I find YOUR most recent thread about YOU and YOUR sitch??