Today has been a trying day emotionally. S is still sick and cranky and at 1 year of age, can't tell me what he needs to feel a little better nor what is wrong. Trial and error. Done this before, but this is no less sad because I have experience with it.
Another sad note for me today is my D told me that when she called mommy to tell her hi, she had to leave a msg and left one that she wanted to be with mommy because she was lonely. When I probed a little about why she missed mommy so much her answers were sad. D gave two reasons: 1) mommy has more cartoon channels (uses satellite so easier for D to navigate all of the cartoon channels easier) and 2) mommy plans 'play dates' so D can play with D's friends. I am sad about that, not because she misses mommy, but because mommy distracts our D with TV so much and 'play dates.'
And lastly, I am sad that I let myself get my hopes built up that I might see more positive movement in our sitch after, what I perceived as, our VERY positive and encouraging session with Vernetta last TH. I told myself going in that I had NO expectations going into the C session. Matter of fact, I am still quite surprised that W opened up so quickly to Vernetta and opened up so fully to V. Kudos to Vernetta and her supstantial wisdom, skill, encouragement, and patience!
At this point, I feel like I am stuck even further between a rock and a hard place. My W is still so confused about how she truly feels and how she is going to resolve her feelings and sort out her life. She is still entangled with her, as she called OM, her emotional nemesis and trying to sort out her past hurts thru him and that R. I want so much to pursue her and probe her openness and willingness to move forward in counseling and in reconciling our M, but that would certainly kill any shred of hope to which she she may be still clinging. I want to push her forward on the path that she tentatively toes at the 'starting line', but I am soo afraid of scaring her away with even the slightest movement, either towards her or away from her. As my D would say about something as precious and valuable as my W, "W is FRAGILE!"
I am soooo afraid of taking the WRONG path and going and going against common/DB wisdom . Unfortunately, going against that common/DB wisdom, as I have sometimes chosen, has actually served me well. In speaking with Frank, he told me that I know my W and my sitch better than I can ever post and thus, of course, I will know when to move forward and pull back after taking in the well-meaning counsel of others better than anyone else could ever advise. As my good friend and Frank both say, it is MY life and I have to live with the action or inaction and the consequences of such. No one else has as much riding on what choose to do and/or NOT do and so I tread lightly, but sometimes God nudges me to trudge forward forcefully through my fears as his spiritual soldier.
I have no explanation, other than God's loving hand, as to how, after all the negative indications my W has thrown my way, my M still has the strong opportunity to survive and thrive in my Sitch of Hope. I am sad to say, that my praying has slowed down of late and, as AmyC often counsels me, I need to get back on my needs in thanks/gratitude for all of God's mercy, grace, forgiveness, strength and love in my life. Thank you, Amy for always reminding me that I have the ability to change neither myself nor my sitch alone. God's power, guidance and love are from where our ultimate victory will emanate. I will re-double my 'Conversations' with God and continue to invite Him to rule my life.
For those of you who have followed my sitch from the beginning, my W and I have not travelled very far from where our sitch began, but my W seems to be settling back into her authentic truth and self and it is THAT settling into her authentic truth and self, with God's loving hand of guidance, that will move us from the battlefield with the enemy, to the top of the mountain to survey all of the damage and peril that we have survived in His living love and how far we have travelled in our journey to fulfill His will and truly be the bold proclamation for the power and glory of Our Father that He always intended when He spoke for us in the beginning.
If you will, after reading thru my musings, take a moment and please add your grace and personal power to the praying brigade in my life. I, more now than ever, NEED HELP STAYING ON MY FEET! NOW, as I have SEEN, rather than only having my FAITH in the positive movement in my sitch, I feel VERY afraid that all of my patience, praying, hard work and love is coming to fruition and the enemy may redouble his efforts on my W with his minions and pull her even harder to the life of darkness that he offers to her as so exciting and appealing. I know that I have the 'stones' to beat him back. I pray that God will make His will crystal clear to my W and she will have the strength to beat the enemy back herself. Please pray with me. Amen. Thank you.
