Today was interesting with W. Son is a little better today. W called me up in the AM to see of I can cover ANOTHER appointment for her. I checked my schedule, even though I wa already pretty confident I could handle it, called her back to tell her I would and gave her my notes. W said she wasn't feeling well. Said she felt like she has what is ailing our S.
I have decided to get out of the speculating business, especially with regard to my W. I RARELY speculate that positive happenings are going on when I 'loop' such thoughts in my head, so...I've decided to stop doing that to myself. W came into the office a little late and went to an appointment with MIL and then left. She had told me that she had plans to go to Napa this weekend for wine tasting, but I could be wrong. Perhaps that is next Friday. Who knows.? W was hitting me up to take our children earlier in the day to accomodate her travel plans during her scheduled time with our children.
Anyway, we hardly talked until the end of the day and she called me see if I was almost to her house. She had 'plans' to go out to dinner. Nice. I told her NO, that I had been fixing a problem that was created by my co-worker and was right in the middle of finishing it up right then and I needed to get off the phone. She kept on and I told her, "W, I need to get off the phone now to finish. I am hanging up and did so." Next thing I know muy MIL's phone rings and my other co-worker who had heard my half of the convo said aloud, I wonder who that is?" facetiously. I said aloud, it is my W. Of coure, it was and she was confirmning that I as doing work as I said I was. MIL walks over to my office and begins asking me questions while holding her cell with my W on the other end of the phone. I told her that I wss finishing up my task, needed to speak with another resident who was waiting in the office to speak with me, and then I would be on my way to pick up my children. I looked at MIL and stared at her phone, which she half-heartedly tried to make it look like she was muffling the sound. I told MIL that I had already explained this to W and didn't appreciate having the conversation with W on the other end of MIL's cell phone call. I heard MIL say that I wouldn't tell her what I was doing, but clearly I had, PLUS told her I would be on my way to W's house ASAP.
When I got into the car, I called W and asked her if she got the answer she was looking for when she called her mother as soon as I ended our first call. W asked me if I was working on the same problem that MIL was working on earlier. I said all the same sitch. W tells me that MIL resolved the whole issure herself. I told W, well if that's how she sees it, that's her prerogative. It's her last name on the sign out front. I must have been doing nothing to button up the issue to get those residents on their way.
W then asks me again if I am on my way. I said yes, again, and re-iterated that it was not my intention for my co-worker to make a mistake, for my MIL to get involved and partially resolve the problem and to have the problem dumped in my lap to finish it all up just to muck up W's 'plans.'
I asked her how she was feeling and she said bad. Interesting that she was going OUT to dinner. But, that's not my business with whom. I didn't ask and I am not speculating. Last night she went out with a girlfriend who looked to be in her early 20's. My W seems to seek out these young women to go out with. Why? Again, I have given up speculating for the sake of my sanity and resolve.
Anyway, my good friend said that W was going to tire of all of her 'activity' when the summer passed because she ALWAYS gets sick a lot in the fall and winter months. My friend said, let's see OM take care of her and cater to her like she is used to. Things are a comin' to a head. He won't. She will get furher disillusioned with the R and THEN things get really interesting for me and her.
I told her the other day that I am strong and I have no intention of surrendering. I told her that I will STAND longer than she can run from herself and her issues. I told her that she is going to exhaust herself and fall and that I would still be there STANDing to help her up and to move forward again. She just looks at me puzzled like she thinks I am nuts. Perhaps I am. If this is nuts, I am not ashamed to be.
As I said in my recent post, I am curious to see how our interaction progresses after she bore her heart and soul in our session with Vernetta. Right now I am just backing away and praying she uses some of her sick time to reflect on what IS happening and not on her skewed perception of life. I also pray that God continue to work in her life to illuminate His will in a manner that she will receive.
Back to tonight though. I know it is my SIL's S1's first birthday this weekend and had been asked by EVERYONE if I had been invited, being the EX-HUSBAND, as my W took to calling me in hurt and anger a few months ago. I told them I knew nothing and had been told nothing which was not unusual. On my drive to W's house, I told W that I would appreciate it if she would make a more concerted effort to inform me of ALL activities that involve our children when I am caring for them. She countered with, well, I just found out either yesterday or earlier today, sorry. I told her I am not looking for an apology. I am simply looking for a more concerted to pass along the information that pertains to our children and the activities to which they are invited. She said she would do better. I left it at that.
Funny thing early this evening. I asked MIL if a Bday party was being thrown and if I was purposely NOT invited (a family habit)? MIL said YES, you are absolutely invited. W received ALL of the info and SIL probably assumed that that info would be passed along. I told MIL that the only info I received was in response to an inquiry with was a pain since ALL of our childrens' invitations filter throug the house and hence, my W. Makes me sad that she is so lost inside her own head and anguish.
In closing, D is asleep in bed and so is S. I miss them when I am not doting on them. They are such wonderful children and D is SOOOO confused about what is happening in her life with regard to mommy and daddy and mommy's dating and having overnight guests who sleep on daddy's side of the bed. I am praying for the strength to keep on keepin' on and keep my anger, disappointment and hurt under wraps. Praying is my path to serenity in this b*tch of a sitch.
Interesting side note. Late this afternoon, I was doing field work and I was exiting a building and saw my cleaning crew. I could hear them talking and saying that Tom (me) was coming to the door. I say a young woman looking into the building and seemed to need to enter the building. Since our business is to rent units, I asked her if I could answer any questions? She informed me that she was from out of town and looking to rent an an apartment. I invited her up to the unit that I was meeting the cleaning crew so she could see it and she ended up not liking it. Doing what I do, I inquired as to what exactly she was looking for in a rental unit and she filled me in. I had a list of over 15 stops still to make and two of those units I felt strongly could satisfy her rental needs, so I asked her if I could borrow her for a little bit. She agreed and I told her that two units that I needed to see could possibly meet her tastes, based on her desctiption of what she was in the market for.
I gave her directions and we met at the first time. I told her to check out the unit and that I was not a 'hard sell' kind of guy and that if sales were my game, I would need to keep my 'day' job. I continued on taking my notes for flipping the unit to be rent ready again while we chatted and she told me about herself. I reciprocated. It was nice.
We then met at the second unit and chit-chatted more. And we re-did what we went through in the first unit. She kept telling me that she didn't want to take up all of my time and I told her that I was actually doing my work, which I was, which is why I was scribbling on my papers. I explained a bit more about our renting process and directed her how to proceed if she so chose. At 5:00, she said to me, it's getting late, you must have much more fun things to do than working at this time. I said that I had another 1/2 hour to go.
The conversation was charming and entertaining. It was nice to feel a real sense of being attractive to an extremely attractive, charismatic, charming, and engaging young woman when there were NO uncercurrents of 'attracedness' and NO expectations or uncomfortable tensions. Now, as my good friend would tell me, as my PMA has solidified and my spine has stiffened, sometimes I can be a cocky little f*cker. I felt that this lady was dropping her line in my ocean and wanted to see if I would take the bait. I didn't. I kept it professional and friendly, but I must say, THAT felt nice to know (well, believe anyway) that an attractive woman such as she would find me attractive enough to gently and carefully probe me for my interest in her in a VERY ladylike manner. I was flattered and felt alive in the presence of a woman other than my W for the first time in AGES. It was very nice.
I continue to heal. I continue to see that, what I say is true. I like me. There was life before W and there will be life after W, if she so chooses to make that necessary. I am just happy that I had the conversation with that woman today and that I felt attracive, engaging, funny and possibly even wanted and gently pursued. Thanks.
It's in times like that that I truly feel the magnitude of my A and all that I stand to lose if my W doesn't change our course and make her own personal changes. I hope and pray she does, on both counts.
Doing what I do, I inquired as to what exactly she was looking for in a rental unit and she filled me in. I had a list of over 15 stops still to make and two of those units I felt strongly could satisfy her rental needs, so I asked her if I could borrow her for a little bit. She agreed and I told her that two units that I needed to see could possibly meet her tastes, based on her desctiption of what she was in the market for.
