One quick note: As I drove up, I was on the phone with Frank asking for guidance and encouragement. He is a godsend. We speak the same language and see eye to eye on so many topics. Thank you Frank, for being there for me and for your 'Frank-isms.'
Now, I was in the house, we were talking, she was primping for work. I asked her where she was going to sit for the session? I didn't think she would want to sit in the same room on our different handsets, but she did. I didn't mind. I walked in with two pages of scribbled notes of my goals for our session and an outline to try to follow. She had nothing in preparation for our session. Again, she agreed to attend but only reluctantly.
VERNETTA session- Please anyone who knows Vernetta, please direct her to this post so she can read about my take on her handiwork.
We said hello to Vernetta and the session began with W and I both sitting in the kitchen. Vernetta began with the niceties and asked me where I wanted to begin. I said that I hoped to lay the foundation for atoning furhter for my mistake, making amends to W for the same, and work on how I might be the recipient of her forgiveness so that we would be able to peacably co-parent going forward. Now, I know that I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I stopped my self and said that I had already participated in two sessions with Vernetta back in April/May and that W was there only reluctantly. I said I would prefer to let W take the reins and lead us where she may.
W began talking and we were on the phone with Vernetta for close to 60 minutes. W & Vernetta were talking for probalby 57 of those 60 minutes as though I wasn't there with an occasional check in to see if I was OK with our progresss. Of course, I was. I had no idea the my reluctant W would open up so much, be so honest and actually take the lead in this session. Based on what she had said to me leading up to our session, I was prepared for a silent wallflower. WOW.
I was and AM truly amazed at Vernetta's remarkable skill, insight, candor, peronability and ability to get my W to open up to her. THEY had never met and Vernetta made it very clear to W up front that she is a DB/DR coach and what she strives to achieve. W was game despite that.
I took five full pages of copious notes on their conversation because, although very little of it was new to me, it was a remindeer and besides, my W was opening up in a non-defensive, non-attacking way. Go Vernetta! Unbelievable! I was floored by both women.
W started out saying that she doesn't have sexual feelings for me that a W needs to have for her H. W told V that we have had a lot of ups and downs sexually, but that she had felt this way for many years and the feelings made her feel guilty. W said we had NO chemistry. W also told Vernetta that she had read a LOT of self help literature on her own. Vernetta pointed out that my W had lost her desire for intimacy with me. Strange thing: in previous MC work we had been given intimacy assignments and we didn't follow thru. W was disinterested, so like a dummy, I lost interest also.
Vernetta the talked about male vs. female sexual patters. For a man the patter is: -desire -arousal -climax -resolution for a woman it is:
-arousal -desire -climax -resolution
Her mind didn't let her body get into sex with me so she couldn't open up and let her hair down and sex hurt because she often wasn't ready.
W then went on to say that she is NOT planning on stopping the divorce. Her goal for the sesion was to learn to co-parent better and be civil to one another.
W told Vernetta that the reason she began losing feelings for me was b/c I didn't treat her nicely and she shut down.
Vernetta then brought up the fact the human beings have the infinite capacity to permanently IF they put in the earnest work to do the changing.
W said she did not want to go back to a loveless M. Funny thing is, on the day she agreed to participate in this counseling session she said the same thing and I concurred, saying that I would not go back to the same M either.
Vernetta then brought up pro-marriage statistics that 83% of couples who decided to stick it out in a troubled M reported being MUCH happier in the M and much happier that they made the decison to hang in there.
W then brought up the point that she had done NO work on our M since we split because she considered it to be OVER. She instead kept herself busy and distracted.
Vernetta keyed in on the fact that although W was reluctant to participate in the session she had chosen to participate and not only showed up, BUT was ACTIVELY participating. Vernetta complimented her on that fact throughout. V also told W that she sees that W still has some fight left in her; that she doesn't give up easily. Wife quickly agreed.
V went on talking about studies and her belief that the BIOLOGICAL parents raising children is best for those children. V asked W what she saw as the ideal. W siad us being together is the ideal! WOW. She actually said that!
Now we get into the meat and potatos of our R problems. V asked, and I gave permission, to bring up info from our individual C sessions back in April/May of this year. I told her that I had NOTHING to hide. Vernetta began reading from her notes.
I was previously M and my W cheated on me with her college professor. I found out about it and confronted her. Ex-W said she wanted a D immediately. I told Ex-W that I didn't want that and wanted to work through the troubles. I ended up giving her 6 months to figure out what she really wanted to do and waited patiently.
At the 6 month point of our split, I went to Ex-W and asked her again what she wanted to do. She said she wanted a D. I said fine. Took off my W ring and began dating in earnest. I wasn't looking for anything serious. Hell, I had just gotten badly burned in a M. Woman came out of the woodwork, having noticed that I was no longer wearign a wedding band. Many of them very attractive. LOTS of them VERY scary! I met my W through a mutual friend who happened to know me and my sitch and thought W and I wold hit it off. We did. My soon to be Ex found out and suddenly became convinced that she wanted to work things out with me. I told her sorry, but I waited for her and she still stiffed me and I wss moving on with my life. Ex asked my why? Ex said you wanted so badly to make it work before. What changed? I looked her in the eye and said, "You made me quit. Congratulations."
Now all of this with my soon to be Ex was going on when I first got involved with my present W, but she was aware of my sitch before anything ever started between us. REgardless, W became VERY uncomfortable being involved in, what she saw as, a live triangle. I was VERY concerned for my Ex's mental stability. I cared for her family and I cared for her, but she forced my hand despite my best efforts to hang in there.
Now, problems arise in getting out of M with Ex because she became crazy vindictive and W became pregnant and we had already set a wedding date. In panic, I because I felt like I had not choice, I made a very bad decision that ended up causing me serious legal and monetary troubles and caused a serious loss of trust with W, just prior to OUR getting married. Bad move. Bad mistake. Awful impact.
When V brought up Ex's name, W became VERY agitated and her loss of trust surfaced explosively. V picked up on W's change in demeanor at the mere mention of Ex's name and drew out the loss of trust that my mistake caused and the continuing pain from the absence of forgiveness from my W as a core marital problem for us.
W spoke often thru our session about her belief that married couples can and should work thru ANY problem, and that my A was not the focal point issue of her loss of trust with me.
Vernetta then dug further, telling W that damaged trust like ours damages ALL future relationships until we learn to forgive and trust others again and to trust ourselves. V continued, saying that we need to be able to feel naked and unashamed like Adam and Eve did in the beginning aht that I ahamed my W with my violation of trust. V also said that my W's loss of trust in other people most likely began when W has a child and probably began with her parents. THAT point hit home with W.
Vernetta continued on saying that the work to forgive, to heal, to rebuild trust in her life NEEDS to begin with me and not some OM. V said that life is FULL of violated trust. V asked what will it take for W to trust again? She then turned her attention to me and said that EVERYTHING I do must build trust and I must be diligent in NOT violationg her trust again. V said wh both need to be able to feel naked an unashamed. THAT is the key! W said V makes 100% sense!
W then went into her R with OM and said that she belives now that she is trying to fix her trust issues in that R because OM is her emotional nemesis and THAT is why she picked him.
W then said she would do ANYTHING to have her sexual desire for me back! WOW! She actually said that too! V then said that a woman needs to feel trust to feel intimate and THAT was where our healing work must travel through. V also said that W and I have a great deal of compatability and love between us and that 90% of the couples she works with and has worked with would KILL to have what we have NOW! W nodded in knowing agreement.
V, now taling to W, told her that you have a seriously motivated partner who will do almost anything to work this M out with you. Acknowledge that fact. She nodded again, looking at me and said she knew. V also said our recovery mission, should we choose to accept it, would take 2-5 years, but would be well worth the effort.
Vernetta then turned to me one last time to close the session and I did with the following. I said that I did not want to go back to a loveless M, that I had done an indredible amount of learning and work on myself and made great strides in uncovering and cherishing who I am. I then said (this is from Frank) that I hoped that this session would help us both to treat the other with greater honor, respect and care. We said our goodbys and the session closed.
Interesting side note. We both had to get to work and W made a detour, I thought. Honestly, I had no idea where she was going, but OM jumped to mind. W called me and said do you know where I am going? I said I could guess, but I'd rather not. W says, awww, come on! I repeated, I could guess, but I'd rather not. She then told me she was going to deliver loan docs from a signing to the escrow office and that it was right where she turned off and reminded me that I had been there once with her. I did remember with her help.
Anyway, I was incredibly pleseed with the dent we made in our marital problems and the dent we mad in W's individual sticking points. I expected nothing going in and was more than pleasantly surprised by my W's presence and participation. I am encouraged. Riight now I will keep on keepin' on. I will do more of the same of what is working to effect changes in our sitch. I am not done fightin' til the fightin's done and we are victorious together.
I also called Frank again, poor Frank, to tell him my story. He was encouraging and quite pleased with what he heard about V's performance in the session. So was/AM I. Thank you V. I will guage my W's behavior, attitude and interest in having another session with V, either individually or jointly. I will decide when to broach the subject in the next two weeks becuse I don't want to lose what I perceive as R momentum in the positive direction.
For those of you who prayed for us and sent positive thoughts and energy, thank you. I felt many hands on me, helping me, guiding me. Thank you.
