A LOT of e-mail cutting and pasting, forgive me please. MORE info to follow on next post.
Well,W never called last night but did e-mail me:
Quote: Its not that I dont want to talk. I just have mixed feelings about counseling with you. I feel that we did that in our marriage and it did not work. You say that you were never present for it, but I was and I worked my ass off trying to save our marriage. I know that you had an affair for a long time and another one while I was pregnant with Abby. I did what I could to save the marriage while we still had one. It is not my fault that you were not doing your part at that time (the whole time). I had to grieve our marriage while we were still in it becuase I knew it was ending. A marriage cannot be saved by only one person working on it. Why in Gods name do you try so hard now? Why after 6 years of hell, do you do this now? The time to work on your marriage is when you are actually still in it and there is one to save. I dont feel that we have a marriage anymore to even work on. It is over.
to which I responded with:
Quote: I understand that you have mixed feelings about counseling with me. If you would, for a moment, please focus on the positive aspects of your mixed feelings. The fact that your feelings are mixed is a plus. The positive aspects are part of those mixed feelings and focusing on the exceptions to the negative aspects and fears of your mixed feelings that are overwhelming your thoughts/feelings right now will be the key to achieveing the Biblical goal for all troubled marriages, which is that that goal always ought to be restoration and reconciliation.
I disagree that we received adequat and effective counseling during our marriage. I understand that we went to counseling, but...the reason it was inadequate and ineffective was that our goals were unclear and our counselor wasn't skilled enough to help us uncover clear, concise, actionable goals and to get us from where we were to where we wanted/needed to be as quickly as possible, and THEN monitor the results and send us back home with more HOMEwork. We were clearly in crisis AND had a strong desire to solve our problems, hence we were there. The fact that the counselor and counseling were inadequate and ineffective was NOT your fault. I will certainly bear the brunt of the blame beacause of MY unwillingness to be gut-level honest in our counseling sessions out of fear. At the time, I truly felt you were going to marital counseling so that you could say you 'tried' counseling and then divorce me bacause it didn't work. I understand now that I was wrong about your intentions. I repeat, I was wrong.
My fear was rooted in my feelings of not being good enough for you and for ALL of the other positive parts of my life. I was afraid that you would figure out what I felt at the time, which was that I felt that you were too good for me and that you deserved someone better and would soon figure it out and I would be cast aside. I absolutely forgot that you and I came together because we had a strong mutual attraction that still exists today. I was selling myself short and I used my own feelings of inadequacy to treat you poorly in MANY ways because I did not tackle my own feelings and deal with them head on. I was subconsciously tearing you down because my self esteem was lacking so badly and I felt that you were above me. I realize now that I did that, but I did it that of ignorance, not malice. I am sorry for doing that. That was unfair, hurtful and wrong.
I know that my affair badly damaged the positive feelings that you had and somewhat still have for me, but it did NOT destroy your feelings. I understand that you are deathly afraid of what you believe I may do should you allow me back in, close to you. I know that I shattered your trust in me; your trust, as you once confided in me, that I would NEVER leave you, no matter what you said or did to me. I took your unshakable rock away; your feeling of impenetrable safety, your unwavering safe harbor. I know that I deeply hurt you (deeper than you ever knew you could hurt), caused your horrible distrust, stirred up intense anger in you and even rage, caused disbelief, made you feel like a failure and made you feel inadequate, and on top of all that, I poured betrayal on your very being like molten lava which burned you to your core.
I have apologized for and taken full responsibility for having an affair. I also know that you will NEVER forget what I have done to you, our family and myself. I have promised change and fidelity going forward. I am changing and I will never betray you again if you find it in yourself to give me the opportunity to put in the hard work that will be necessary to rebuild and regain your respect, trust, and love. I never want to go through this hell again and I certainly won't bring down this hell on earth on us all all again.
You told me once that I know you better than anyone else knows you and that I love you anyway. You were, and still are, correct in that knowledge. I know you are afraid and suffer from the old adage of, "Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me." I promised you change and I have changed. I continue to make positive changes every day. I promised you fidelity and I will never betray you again if you find it in yourself to allow me back into your 'circle of trust.' I will NOT fail you again.
I am grounded in who I am, in my faith and in my love. I lost myself in you trying to 'pose' as someone else, instead of being the person you met and to whom were so strongly attracted in the beginning. I was afraid that you would find out that the real me wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, man enough to deserve you as his partner in life. And, since that was my fear, I subconscously put that ball in motion to make my feelings a reality, because of course, I felt that I wasn't good enough for you in so many ways.
In losing myself in you and in our family, I lost sight of what my needs were and ARE. My affair came about because I didn't meet my own needs of affirmation, adoration, affection, and appreciation. As you used to say to me, that was MY [censored]. I was looking to you to meet those core needs of mine and when you didn't meet them, which you couldn't possibly because only I can, I lwrongly ooked to someone else to meet them for me. I was weak, afraid, and ignorant. I was weak because I truly felt that I wasn't good enough and didn't want to expose the me that doesn't 'measure up.' I was afraid because I truly felt that the me you fell in love with would prove to be 'not enough' to satisfy you as my life's partner. I was ignorant because I did not dig to find out what my needs were and are and didn't know what I didn't know and therefore was lost in being lost. As the saying goes, if you don't know where you are going, ANY road will get you there. That was me. The right road was through Jesus toward God with you and our family at my side, NOT the one I chose.
Very early on in our relationship, I truly felt that I NEEDED you. I have found that I WANT, not NEED you. I DESIRE you. I LOVE you. I want our marriage to survive and for our family to grow back together and come toghether intact again. The impact of my inidelity has shaken me to my core. The reasons I haven't crumbled are because God's mercy, grace, forgiveness, and love. I have truly repented and asked for His forgiveness. He has forgiven me. The work is now mine to follow the Godly path to redeem myself and hopefully restore and reconcile our marriage, all the while moving towards being the man that He always intended for me to be.
The biblical goal for all troubled marriages is restoration and reconciliation. If we don't go back and work on the unfinished business in our marriage FIRST, at least for a period of undistracted time before we decide what to do with our marriage, we will drag all of that unfiinished business into any subsequent relationships and we'll pay for it forever.
Awhile back, I asked you a question about what percentage of our marriage on a timeline would you say that our marriage was at level 4 or level 5 (level 5 being the highest) on a marital satisfaction scale? I did not give you ANY guidance for a percentabe number on purpose, because I truly wanted to know what YOU felt with NO influence from me. You came back with a figure of 30% for our marriage on a timeline being at level 4 or level 5 for marital satisfaction. I have read so much material, some of it secular and much of it Christian. In the material from Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, which is about restoration and reconciliation after an affair, Mr. Carder says that he has researched these figures with thousands of couples and his research finds that when the couple can find 20% of their marriage history, as seen by both spouses on the marital satisfaction scale at level 4 or level 5, thecouple has a better than a 93% chance of making their marriage better than it has ever been in 2 years. Back then, my belief on the same matter was that we were at 40% of our marriage history on the marital satisfaction timeline scale at level 4 or level 5. THAT will preach!
Mr. Carder continues that he only knows of only one institution in the nation that will provide the hope and the chance of healing, reconciliation, re-building trust in a marriage. He also says that since God performed the miracle of raising Jesus from the dead he can certainly re-build the bridges that have been burned by an affair.
If you've gotten this far, thank you for bearing with me despite your mixed feelings. I promise to you that I will continue to be patient while you continue to heal and if you will allow me to assist you, I will help you heal. I believe taht being divorced will NOT be less painful than rebuilding, restoring and reconciling our marriage. You know that there is no running away from this nightmare.The only way to get through this for both of us is to go through the pain.
I promise to do anything and everything to re-build and restore you respect for, trust in and love for me. I promist to reassure you whenever you need reassurance that I am loyal and love you VERY much. Reveal what help you need in your healing process and I will provide it.
I also know that we will never be able to move forward together unless you move past the mindset of, "Our problems are YOUR fault and YOU must pay." I also know that feelings follow action. Just by being involved in loving interactions together, those feelings of love we both so cherished will return with nurturing and regularity of those types of interactions. Again, loving feelings WILL follow regular loving interactions.
FORGIVENESS takes strength, but not nearly as much strength as holding a grudge. Foprgiveness is NOT a feeling, it is a DECISION! It is a decsion to give yourself the gift of a clean slate, an unburdening of yourself from carrying that baggage around. Now you will never forget a wrong, but with time and sufficient good/great interactions, new memories will replace old memories and the old negative feelings will fade in strength.
And lastly, I disagree with you that one person cannot save a marriage from the standpoint that one person has the abilith to hold the relationship and marriage together until BOTH spouses are ready, willing and able to participate. I STAND for me, for you, for our family and for God. I believe that I am doing what is right in haning on. I have faith the God will perform a miracle in our lives and our reconciliation will be a true and glorious testament to the power, grace, mercy, and love of God. I also believe that as your healing progresses, you will stop running and STAND with me, for yourself, for me, for us, for our family and for GOD. Running is too exhausting. STAND with me.
Now, mind you, my feeling last night was that her hesitation in participating in the MC session with Vernetta was that OM was at her house and she needed top put on the mask of the 'good little cheater girl' for OM.
She responded to my lost e-mail as follows in the AM because I text msgd her to pls read it:
Quote: Wow. You had a lot to say and I heard every word. You said some things to me that truly amazed me. It makes my heart hurt to know where you stand and where I do not stand. I wish I had that same desire. I will do the phone conversation, but I cannot promise anything. And I cannot promise that I will WANT to do the homework that she will suggest to us.
To which I prompty responded:
Quote: I am so happy that you read my e-mail and I did/DO have a lot to say, but mostly I keep my thoughts to myself these days.For me, tbeing in my own head is the place where I do the work on me and is the place where I quiet all the 'voices' in my life andwhere I most effectively choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth, because the voices of the enemy laugh at me and remind me that I have tried before and failed. I know that I have tried before and failed. And yet I STAND, because I am God's servant and soldier in this war. I know NOT surrender. I know NOT quit. I own NO white flags to give up my wife, marriage and family to the enemy. I will
I have spent the past 6 months reading, thinking and growing. I expect nothing. I know where I STAND because I STAND where I must for me, for you, for us, for our family and for God.Your willingness to participate in the phone conversation is all that I can ask of you and I am truly grateful. I expect nothing from you. I can never make you truly aware of the gratitude I have for your willingness to even THINK agout STANDING with me. Thank you. For everything.
I am patient. I am strong. I am a LION. I am your safe harbor and your unwavering rock. Thank you again.
Her phone call to me interrupted my e-mail response in the middle so I hastily finished it. She wanted to know where I was and how long it would take me to get there.
I told her. Upon arriving, I confirmed my suspicions about OM being there last night and this AM. I simply parked, gathered my belongings and exited the car. He had already flipped around and left. I wasn't trying to avoid a confrontation, nor was I looking to invite one.
I walked into the house and W asked me how I was doing and I smiled at her an answered, "Remarkably well." I asked how she was and she looked and sounded distraught and resoponed, "OK. <pregnant pause> Not very well." I asked her if she could give me ther 'Readers Digest 1-minute version of her upset b/c our session was about to begin. She said that she was very sorry that I saw OM leaving her house and that that wasn't her intention. I simply asked her, "Is there anything you can do about it at this point?" She said no. I said then just forget. It happened. It's over. Of course I had already rehearsed in my head my responde to ANY remorse she might show. I know that OM didn't try very hard to slither away b4 I arrived. She KNEW when I was going to arrive and I actually arrived 7-8 minutes late and his reptile a$$ was still there probably hoping to provoke a confrontation. I didn't take his bait. He slithered away to crawl under another rock.
I went to W's house to do the DB/DR session because I don't have two handsets for my phone and she does. So many things that she said and did in the hours before I arrived for our session at her house she was telegraphing to me that trouble could be 'a brewin'.' Oh well, I was oblivious until after the fact and I wouldn't have changed my actions if I had actually KNOWN istead of just strongly suspecting what was up.
Regardless, she kicked his a$$ out so she could participate in a MC session with ME. Now, that had to be a huge kick in his F-ing nuts!! Plus, emotionally he got another one because I just let him slither away without incident, a huge loser in this battle.
