Prayers an positive thoughts needed for DB/DR telephone consultation with Vernetta tomorrow, 09/07/06 at 9:30 AM PST. I am so excited and afraid at the same time. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE pray to God so that He will work a miracle in my sitch and help my W see the value in a MC session that I set for us. I am praying now.
A lot has happened in the past week. We have had movement in our sitch and this is the first REAL movement we have had in 6 months. My W is still involved with OM, on again, off again. She is being emotionally hurt regularly and putting up with it because her self esteem has been in the red for quite awhile now. I know two things for sure: 1) OM will F up again and hurt her again b/c he is only using her for his ego and 2) her self esteem WILL recover and she WILL value herself enough to stop herself from abusing herself and our R.
UPDATE: I just spoke with her and she tells me that she doesn't know if she has the time to participate in the session because she is, in her teenage vocabulary, 'hella' busy. No judgement, I just find it amusing when I talk with people in their 30's and their vocabulary is that of a 13 year old skate punk. I know she will grow. I just don't know when.
I asked her if she ahd even read the info on the DB/CR website, particularly the FAQ and she said NO. I asked her to please do that and call me back. She said she is soo tired and asked if she could let me know tomorrow. I told her that I wished she would read the information tonight and give me an aswer tonight. I told her I really hate finding out anything at the last minute. She asked to get off the phone and told me she would read the DB/DR info and call me back.
I used a line from Frank D. I told her that Tom needs to move forward with his life and he is. I have grown a great deal during our sitch and the Tom train is leaving the station soon and I would like nothing more than if she would be with me. Her response was that she will look at the info and call me back.
I told her in parting that I was not giving her an ultimatum. I told her that if she didn't choose to participate that that was just more information for me to grow with and from. And now I wait for her return call anxiously.
I am not a betting man, by nature, but I am betting that my return call will NOT come tonight, it will come tomorrow morning. My other bet is that OM will be there tonight and tomorrow in the AM and THAT is what her hesitation is all about. I keep saying to myself, "Oh, the tangled web we weave when we lie." But as Frank quoted from the Superior Man, Women Are NOT Liars; (to a person with a feminine essence) words and facts simply take a second place to emotions and shifting moods of the relationship.
When my W agreed to our C session, I was more pliable and agreeable to her demands and wishes and she was more open to my thoughts, feelings, and observations. Today, she broguth up (again) her reasons for wanting to take our S1 out of daycare and hire a nanny. I told her my concerns and reservations. I told her that OM is NOT allowed to be at her house when I come to drop off our chidren or I will enroll our S in another daycare without any hesitation. I asked her if I had made myself clear on this and she said yes. I re-interated my point and told her there are NO 2nd chances on this point, that safeguarding our children from any damage is my primary concern. She said she understood. I told her, I trust your instincts as a mother, it's your behavior as an sdult woman that give me cause for concern
2nd point from today. She told me that she is going to Tahoe in two weeks with friends of ours and that THAT is her weekend with our children. She wanted to know if I would watch our children and I told her I'd have to check. Instantly, she became highly agitated and asked my why I needed to be so difficult. Mind you, all I said was I'd have to check. Her agitation grew and I held my ground and told her that I needed to get off the phone with her, that I didn't feel I needed to take abuse from her on the phone.
Lateer on, we talked again. She tends to do this; broach a subject, expect me to make a snap decision in her favor within seconds, and if I don't, she suddenly loses her availability to continue on the conversation. I've stopped agreeing to her 'plans' that took her quite a while to hatch in the few seconds she expects me to make a decision in her favor. THAT pisses her off. THAT is me being so difficult. I say, NO, THAT is me asserting my rights as a parent, which is what her 'plans' generally pertain to.
Anyway, I tell her that I will NOT switch weekends with her because she made plans on HER weekend with our children. I have made this same point on more than one occasion. I have always told her that I will be with our children on MY weekends and I will generally be with them on HER times, but I will NOT switch weekends just to accomodate her and her choices. I also told her that I truly felt she left out a BIG portion about that weekend in Tahoe. She asked me, you thing OM is going don't you. I repeated that I felt she left a LOT of info about her weekend away. She then said that she commited to going a couple of months ago and she didn't want to cancel now because it was only two weeks away. I asked her, so cancelling would cause them to cancel their weekend? She said, NO, their weekend did not depend on her attending. I don't believe much of what she says and I certainly don't believe this. She has plans to go with THE OM or another OM and I am NOT here to accomodate her 'single' play time with regard to our children. I will not plan my life around her everpresent to do things that don't involve our children on HER weekend and then listen to her whine that she misses them so much. Hell, she always has company to distract her and keep her from bonding/connecting with our children, whether those be play dates for her and the children or her 'me' time.
I also told her what Frank told me, that I have grown incredibly during our time apart and have learned the direction in which MY life needs to progress; the Tom train is leaving the station soon, and I truly hope she'd leave the station with me, because I am leaving soon regardless.
I told her tonight to please read the DB/DR info and get back to me. Instead she chose to log on to MySpace.com and F around. It burns her a$$ that I know when she is on MySpace. I did text her telling her that it's awfully difficult to give consideration when she was busy being distracted on MySpace. She just tuned me out, as she usually doesn.
I do know that she listens to me, regardless of what I present to her and whether or not she likes what I have to say. She actually told me this, as did her friends. It's truly a strange dynamic, but she respects me in many ways, unfortunately, not in the husband way, right now. That's OK, I have time and patience on my side by the grace of God. I asked her 2 days ago whether she had figured out who and what she is running from. Surprisingly enough, she gave me a quick and lucid answer. She said me, myself, and I is who I am running from and I am running from my problems that I don't want to face. She also told me that OM was another distraction for her to NOT have to face real life, and that's why she hadn't told him to F-off yet, despite his sh*tty treatment of her. She said, it (her R with him) just doesn't matter. I told her that I beg to differ; that she is person of value and many people in her life care deeply and therefore ALL matters that touched her life MATTER. I do feel sorry for her even though she is treating me like sh*t and acting like a BRAT. Her selr-esteem tank is on EMPTY. Being that low, distractions, even unpleasant distractions have to be better than facing what you feel to be a worse reality. Unfortunately, I would give her the same advcie I have given her mess of a brother. You deserve a better life than you are allowing yourself to live. You need to love and value yourself more and START doing things in your life differently to make a change.
I pray that Our Father continues to show her His will in whatever way she will receive it and that she will change direction and behavior before I can no longer STAND for her and for us. I don't anticipate any date in the near future that I will lose my ability to STAND, but that is my fear nontheless. If you have any spare praayign capacity, pray for me and for us. We need prayer and God's hand in our lives to heal our wounds and right our ways.
I WANT my wife back. I want my marriage back. I want my family to remain intact and for all of the damage to be healed. I want a miracle and I am willing to do my part to facilitate that miracle.
