Yesterday W asked me to take some pics of a property and download them onto the computer at work. I didn't get to it today and then after I saw OM's car at her house she calls me to ask me if I had done it. No response from me. She then texts me and asks me again. Again, no response. Then, the calls again and tells me that she knows that I saw what I saw and that I am pissed and it's NOT what I think. Still no response.
I called my good friend and he told me what he always tells me which is she's not going to cut you any slack. She feels the marriage is over and is acting that way and ONLY you are holding on. He tells me to text her back that the pics were downloaded onto the computer like I said I would do.
But NO, I can't do it the easy, right, DB/DR way, I have to do it MY F-ing way, because I have done such a great job on my own up 'til now. NOT! I call her and speak to her and tell her you made two comments on your last msg and I would like to respond to one and ask a question of the other. May I? She agrees and I tell her that NO, I am not pissed. I then asked if it's not what I think it is, what is it? She tells me that it wasn't planned. So I asked her, since we are being so open and honest, did he just show up unannounced? She said no, she invited him over b/c she wanted to clarify some things. I asked her if she got clarity, and she said she did not. I told her that I did get clarity and thanked her.
We talked for quite awhile and I re-iterated my feelings about hoping for the rebuilding, restoration, and reconciliation of our M. She said well, I do and did always want our M to be successful but I was unhappy because of the way you treated me. She told me that she lost her feelings for me but still loves me. Those lost feelings resulted in her NOT wanting to have sex.
I asked her if she remembered what our MC told her about her low libido with her husband. She said she didn't (convenient, huh?). I asked her, what did you do to remedy that problem? She said she prayed every day and dug deep inside herself to find answers within herself. She said she couldn't find any. I reminded her that our MC told her that she had a classic Madonna complex, which according to MC meant that she lost interest in sex when the R was no longer new and tittilating. When sex became routine/expected/normal, she longed for something new and more exciting. Of course, that did not sit well with W, but today she allowed that there might actually be something to her having a Madonna complex. WOW!
I then re-visited the fact that she said, "I do want our marriage to work out but I don't think I can get those lost feelings back and I don't want to be in a loveless marriage. I answered back that neither do I. I wouldn't take our old M back for anything. That would be a recipe for disaster. I told her I would want to reconcile and build our M anew, making it more loving, nurturing, fun, etc. I then took a deep breath and asked her, I know we are headed towards a D. Are you ending our M? She said well, that's where we are headed. I said I know that, but that takes 6 months. Are you ending our M? It takes two people to get married and only one person to get a D. Are you going to take us through that door? I told her, if the answer is yes, just say so, I have been preparing for that all along. Long pause.
Again, deep breath. I said, what if anything are you willing to do to see if our M is salvagable? She said I don't know what to do. I can't answer that question b/c I don't know what to do. I said your answer could be anything from anything to nothing. I told her if her answer is nothing, then say nothing. I am prepared for that. She said that we've tried MC and that didn't work. I asked her if she would be willing to do a counseling session with me and she said who? I told her that I had already had two sessions with this C individually (Vernetta) and explained that I found her through DB (the book I reminded her that I loaned her that she still has) and explained that she is an SBT counselor and what SBT is. SBT is what W was looking for from our MC and couldn't get. W wanted results then. I furher explained that results are what SBT is all about. Where are we, where do we want to go, what is the best and fastest way to get there since anyone going to MC is in crisis. She agreed to do one counseling session with Vernetta and see how she felt after that. I simply asked her to do the session with me with an open heart and an open mind. She said she would.
THAT conversation resulted in more movement in my sitch than the entire previous 6 months. 1. She said she does want our M to work out but doesn't know what to do and is doubtful she will recapture her positive feelings for me as her husband and 2. she said she would do one counseling session with Vernetta and see how she felt after that. Before that conversation, I hadn't heard much at all along those lines, especially along the lines of a willingness to do counseling with Vernetta to see how she felt afterward.
Now, I need to call the staff phone # to see about setting up this C session with Vernetta. I hope Vernetta is back from her sabbatical.
I know that most of this may mean nothing and noting may come of this. But that fact wouldn't make any worse off than I already was. The outlook for our M looked bleak at best.
And now, the real scary part. I am looking for advice from my DB/DR brethren on how best to proceed. I don't want to stamp out this sliver of sunlight in my sitch. Also, I need the phone # for scheduling an appt. with Vernetta. All help will be greatly appreciated.
I call her and speak to her and tell her you made two comments on your last msg and I would like to respond to one and ask a question of the other. May I? She agrees and I tell her that NO, I am not pissed. I then asked if it's not what I think it is, what is it? She tells me that it wasn't planned. So I asked her, since we are being so open and honest, did he just show up unannounced? She said no, she invited him over b/c she wanted to clarify some things. I asked her if she got clarity, and she said she did not. I told her that I did get clarity and thanked her.