Need Help Staying on my Feet, Pt. 6

[frank_D]

I'll post some comparisons to my W's reactions when she started to see her life was getting harder, not easier.

I told her that I sensed her vindictiveness in that commnent and didn't appreciat it. I also said I would try, and asked for her cooperation in NOT waiting 'til 1.5 hours before events like this to let me know about them. She said she would work on it. I said thank you.

Similarly, my W was getting pissed that the kids preferred to be with ME than with HER. Well, I actually spent quality time with them and she stopped doing that.

So, she would sometimes try to 'take charge' to prove she was still the important one in their lives. Like you , I would just stay calm and keep it real with her. By pointing out her obvious emotional reactions she would back off.

... Her response was that, well, you finally gave in. I asked her to please not minimize my act of kindness to back off to reduce her stress.

Very good. She's testing you. She want's to see if you will blow up, or will you stay strong and stable.

... she believed that I purposely didn't give her D6's paperwork to make her look bad.

She KNOWS you wouldn't do that. In fact, she's really having a hard time dealing with the fact that you don't do ANYTHING to hurt her the way she does to you. Guilt is an awful thing.

... I tell her that that daycare is the same one that our firstborn went to for 4+ years and she is doing extremely well and I am comfortable with that setup and preschool. W then goes into all of the reasons that she believes it is a great idea and I stop my W and ask her if she called me to have a discussion or if she simply called me to inform me of her new unilateral decision and I was just supposed to live with it. She said that she called to discuss it...

I agree about the daycare issue. It is very important to have the social interaction. And she is once again trying to take 'back' the contol she gave up when she started running.

W then tells me that she has a problem wtih the daycare. I tell her that that is the first I have heard of that. she says no it isn't. I told her just because you have shared this info with your GFs, does not mean you have shared it with me. THAT sunk in apparently. She relented.

Yep. Keep her in reality. Great job!

The amount I give her for child support she suddenly feels is woefully inadequate.... She then goes in to how much he expense are compared to mine. I again tell her that I would gladly switch places with her and stay in the house with our children. She says it's unfair .... I ask her, whose decicion is that? She says it was my decision. I corrected her. I told her NO, it's your decision. Yes, it was my decision to have an affair (as short-lived and stupid as it was) and I have atoned for my mistake and tried to make amends for screwing up. I have to live with that decision every day. I went on awhile about how awful I feel about my mistake and how awful I feel about the impact of my mistake on her and our family....etc.

Good deal teling her that it is HER choice to destry the family, not yours. However, I think you need to stop the 'apologizing' and stick with a short 'take responsibility.

As in "I take responsibility for my actions that HURT you, and I would take them back if I could. YOUR choice to use them as a reason to violate YOUR marriage vows is just that - YOUR choice. And now we are both living lives that are not as great as they could be because of that. Grown ups look at their mistakes and heal them, not run away."

W then goes into more about my expenses versus her expenses and tells me that she is just scraping by. I explain that child support is not based on expenses it is simply a mattter of income, % of time caring for the children and # of children. I then tell her, please tell me what it is that you want from me. She says you are ripping me off.

Your responses to all this were great. Keep reminding her that this is unfortunatly what BOTH your lives will be like after a divorce. And remind her that she can do the research on her own like you did.

She also said that she ahd gotten used to a certain standard of living with me and that was my fault also.

oh yeah. poor spoiled brat.

She called back again, and at this point, I asked her, do you know why I hold out hope for our reconciliation? She said why? I said, I'll ask you again, do you know why I hold out hope for our reconciliation? She said NO. I said, let me tell you and proceeded to tell her for over 10 minutes all of the reasons I hold out hope our reconciliateion.

I think this was probably ok, but I would not bring it up again for a while unless there is a compelling reason - like she asks you. She certainly has to think about it. I would do this with my W on rare occasions and she woul dget mad, tell me 'why didn't you change this years ago before it was too late?'

That's when you know they are still connected to you. They are angry that their decision to leave is not working and they want to come back but they have made a comitment to leave. Plus, they would dhave to explain to everyone why they have been acting like teenagers, and why they changed their minds about the marriage.

She later text msgd me to apologize for being on the warpath about her house being a mess because D6 made a mess in the house and the babysitter and 2 of her family members were over W's house not paying attn to D6 making a mess. I made macaroni and cheese and was treated to the warpath b/c I was there. Nice.

Remember, if she didn't care she wouldn't apologize.

Anyway, who knows what she is up to at this point.

She certainly doesn't know.

My one question to her that I meant to ask her after I explained why I hold our hope for our reconciliation was, "What do I need to do to move our R in a positive direction instead of towards a divorce? Unfortunately, that question was never asked and I don't know when, if ever, I will have the opportunity to ask it.

YOu need to not ask this question until SHE says something about wanting to 'try' top make it work. Patience.

Doing good!