Quote: there is no excuse for not seeking counseling unless she is living on the banks of the river denial.
That is PRECISELY where MLCers set up camp!
Please understand, MLCers don't SEE much wrong with their behavior and God knows, when we're IN it, we do not see the level of dysfunction at which we operate.
Before we will attempt to justify ANYTHING to anyone else, you can best believe we've already convinced ourselves.
She might see that she's on shaky ground. She may even know she's gone around the bend But you can take this one statement TO THE BANK:
She has no clue as to the depth of her issues. That's what makes this a "crisis", midlife or otherwise. Your family is in crisis.
Quote: there is no excuse for not seeking counseling unless she is living on the banks of the river denial.
That is PRECISELY where MLCers set up camp!
Don't I know it. I am living it and I am holding on to God's ability to work miracles to help her to see the crisis she is in. I know that healing her and our issues is beyond my powers. She is in God's hands and I pray for her each and every day that He will guide her to be the woman that He always intended for her to be and I pray that no harm comes to her on her wayward journey.
Quote: Please understand, MLCers don't SEE much wrong with their behavior and God knows, when we're IN it, we do not see the level of dysfunction at which we operate.
Before we will attempt to justify ANYTHING to anyone else, you can best believe we've already convinced ourselves.
Yes, a sad state of affairs in my M and in my life. I will continue to love my W until God tells me that I should expend no further effort. Since I don't believe God will tell me that, I will love her until she opens her heart and mind to me again and calls me back to her as a changed woman.
Quote: She might see that she's on shaky ground. She may even know she's gone around the bend But you can take this one statement TO THE BANK:
She has no clue as to the depth of her issues.
I feel so sad for someone who is causing me so much pain and anguish because she is so lost and confused. I want to help her, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do for her except to be her port during the storm; her rock. THAT I will do for her because I love her and believe that our M surviving is in all of our best interests and is God's will.
Quote: That's what makes this a "crisis", midlife or otherwise. Your family is in crisis.
I know, Amy. I am living this crisis each and every day. I watch my W helplessly while she makes poor decision after poor decision. W is THE role model for a woman for our children and is behaving so poorly that the only good our D would gain from consciously watching her mother's behavior is to decide that she WON'T follow in mommy's footsteps. My fear is that she decide TO follow in mommy's footsteps simply because W is mommy.
Why do you ask her questions about her situation with OM all the time? Shge's not your 'friend' and you aren't there to 'fix it' for her.
By asking her questions and giving advice you are making it seem 'normal' for her to commit adultery and act like a teenage slut.
Why?
You would be better served if you never talked to her about it UNLESS it involved the kids in some way. In fact, you should act with disapproval and NOT allow her to bring it up with YOU, again, unless it has something to do with the kids.
You're enabling her behavior, and it's hurting you which changes how you act around her. You need to detach more. She KNOWS she has you whenever she wants you because you TELL her and you ACT like it.
LET HER GO. You are still her landing pad in an emergency and she know it. She needs to fall on her face on her own.
Now, IF she falls - hard - then you do what Jesus would do and you help her back up. Until then you need to stop approving of her behavior. Go silent about it. Tell her the subject of her adultery is not something you want to hear any more. And you do not want her to btring her affairs home to your kids because they are learning to be like her.
Quote: Why do you ask her questions about her situation with OM all the time? Shge's not your 'friend' and you aren't there to 'fix it' for her.
Having trouble changing my basic nature of being a 'fixer.' I'm getting there, but it's taking me way too long. Ugh.
Quote: By asking her questions and giving advice you are making it seem 'normal' for her to commit adultery and act like a teenage slut.
I let my curiosity get the better of me. BTW, I wasn't giving her advice. I asked about OM's GF. I am having trouble reconciling how W is so enamored with someone she just met who is already two-timing her. Doesn't bode well for their future together.
Quote: Why?
Because I am still having trouble turning myself OFF and letting go and letting God. Jacka$$ that I often am.
Quote: You would be better served if you never talked to her about it UNLESS it involved the kids in some way. In fact, you should act with disapproval and NOT allow her to bring it up with YOU, again, unless it has something to do with the kids.
THIS I will do, going forward. Makes complete sense.
You're enabling her behavior, and it's hurting you which changes how you act around her. You need to detach more. She KNOWS she has you whenever she wants you because you TELL her and you ACT like it.
Quote: LET HER GO. You are still her landing pad in an emergency and she know it. She needs to fall on her face on her own.
Now, IF she falls - hard - then you do what Jesus would do and you help her back up. Until then you need to stop approving of her behavior.
I will do this also. My trouble lies in the fact that I am so gullible when it comes to her. If she is nice, all of my work goes out the window and I put too much creedence in ONE nice interaction.
Quote: Go silent about it. Tell her the subject of her adultery is not something you want to hear any more.
I will do this also.
Quote: And you do not want her to bring her affairs home to your kids because they are learning to be like her.
Unfortunately, I don't have control over who she decides to bring home and share her bed with. FYI, we haven't even file papers for a D yet, so nothing to tie her hands with with regard to bringing her adulterous behavior around our children. Perhaps THAT is the reason to file the papers alone?
Quote: Think about it.
I am. Often times I think that I am being more stupid than stong in my sitch. I must work on going silent and detaching. Unfortunately, she works in the same small office as me and types away on MySpace.com in our office and her GFs come in and she talks to them about her escapades within earshot of me. Grrrr.
I suppose I can always do what I told MIL I could do which is to do my field work and then do my paperwork from home. AND, I will continue looking for a different job, although not as openly as before. All will work itself out in the end.
Quote: Having trouble changing my basic nature of being a 'fixer.' I'm getting there, but it's taking me way too long. Ugh.
Then get there TODAY.
Quote: I let my curiosity get the better of me. BTW, I wasn't giving her advice. I asked about OM's GF. I am having trouble reconciling how W is so enamored with someone she just met who is already two-timing her. Doesn't bode well for their future together.
Who the F*ck cares! You ALREADY know she is choosing losers because THEY are the only kind of men that will choose a married woman.
Quote: My trouble lies in the fact that I am so gullible when it comes to her. If she is nice, all of my work goes out the window and I put too much creedence in ONE nice interaction.
Not any more. You're done with that starting today.
Quote: Unfortunately, I don't have control over who she decides to bring home and share her bed with. FYI, we haven't even file papers for a D yet, so nothing to tie her hands with with regard to bringing her adulterous behavior around our children. Perhaps THAT is the reason to file the papers alone?
I wonder if filing some kind of document that is not D papers is possible? Separation or other rules saying SHE can't bring men home?? Maybe Amy has an idea or your lawyer can think of something.
Quote: Often times I think that I am being more stupid than stong in my sitch. I must work on going silent and detaching. Unfortunately, she works in the same small office as me and types away on MySpace.com in our office and her GFs come in and she talks to them about her escapades within earshot of me. Grrrr.
Isn't MIL her boss? Most companies do not allow personal activities on the net while you're at work. And her 'talking' is incredibly RUDE. You would NOT be out of line if you were to walk over to her and tell her that you would appreciate it if she would not discuss her extra marital activities in your presence. Right in front of her friends.
And, if you are worried about MIL, ask her in advance if she would be offended if you were to do that. You are only demanding RESPECT. Nothing else. She is being an A$$HOLE.
Quote: Unfortunately, I don't have control over who she decides to bring home and share her bed with. FYI, we haven't even file papers for a D yet, so nothing to tie her hands with with regard to bringing her adulterous behavior around our children. Perhaps THAT is the reason to file the papers alone?
I wonder if filing some kind of document that is not D papers is possible? Separation or other rules saying SHE can't bring men home?? Maybe Amy has an idea or your lawyer can think of something.
Yes. I don't know what they call it in California though but here it's a separation agreement and it can be specifically stated that there are to be no overnight guests when the children are in her home. You can be more specific and request that she not even introduce your young children to the men she's meeting on the INTERNET.
What she nor you seem to realize, is that she is laying some very dangerous ground work that could cause her to lose custody of the kids should you choose to seek it.
She's more unfit by the day and if she is bringing home people she meets on the internet, well surely even in California that would be frowned upon.
Quote: Having trouble changing my basic nature of being a 'fixer.' I'm getting there, but it's taking me way too long. Ugh.
Then get there TODAY.
Today is as good a day as any. Why not!
Quote:
Quote: I let my curiosity get the better of me. BTW, I wasn't giving her advice. I asked about OM's GF. I am having trouble reconciling how W is so enamored with someone she just met who is already two-timing her. Doesn't bode well for their future together.
Who the F*ck cares! You ALREADY know she is choosing losers because THEY are the only kind of men that will choose a married woman.
Exactly. Who the f*ck cares. Yes, I already do know that he is a loser. Too bad my W is enamored with that scumbag. Unfortunately, it's not HIS job to keep my W out of an A with him. Sadly, it's hers and she has her head up her backside. Ugh! My so called life.
Quote:
Quote: My trouble lies in the fact that I am so gullible when it comes to her. If she is nice, all of my work goes out the window and I put too much creedence in ONE nice interaction.
Not any more. You're done with that starting today.
Gullible was the wrong word. Stupid is better. And yes, NOT any more is right! I AM done with that starting today. My good friend told me today that my A is the PAST. I have atoned for my mistake and have shown an incredible amount of strength, love and patience in dealing with my W and her (mis)treatment of me and our children with her reckless, thoughtless, selfish and rude behavior. My friend is right. You are right. I am right.
Did I make a mistake? Yes. Have I admitted my mistake? Yes. Have I repented? Yes. Have I apologized for my A and atoned for my mistake. Yes, profusely and yes, to the best of my ability.
Am I done paying for my mistake? Yes. It IS the past, and I can't undo it. I've done everything I am able to do to make amends for my A and I can't and won't be a doormat anymore. I'll be a strong, righteous, independent, loving, caring man/father. THAT's enough for me and our children. THAT is good enough period. I wil continue my journey with the Lord to continue working to become that man that God always intended for me to be.
Quote:
Quote: Unfortunately, I don't have control over who she decides to bring home and share her bed with. FYI, we haven't even file papers for a D yet, so nothing to tie her hands with with regard to bringing her adulterous behavior around our children. Perhaps THAT is the reason to file the papers alone?
I wonder if filing some kind of document that is not D papers is possible? Separation or other rules saying SHE can't bring men home?? Maybe Amy has an idea or your lawyer can think of something.
I am thinking of calling a lawyer for a 1 hour divorce consultation to discuss this exact issue. I must have SOME way to protect my children from her behavior. Right?
Quote:
Quote: Often times I think that I am being more stupid than stong in my sitch. I must work on going silent and detaching. Unfortunately, she works in the same small office as me and types away on MySpace.com in our office and her GFs come in and she talks to them about her escapades within earshot of me. Grrrr.
Isn't MIL her boss? Most companies do not allow personal activities on the net while you're at work. And her 'talking' is incredibly RUDE. You would NOT be out of line if you were to walk over to her and tell her that you would appreciate it if she would not discuss her extra marital activities in your presence. Right in front of her friends.
And, if you are worried about MIL, ask her in advance if she would be offended if you were to do that. You are only demanding RESPECT. Nothing else. She is being an A$$HOLE.
Yes, MIL is my boss. MIL also told me how rude it was that W decided to have her conversation with OM while I was in the same room as her. Of course, W did NOT mention this fact to MIL. I made MIl aware of it and MIL's response was that W's behavior was rude and unaccpetable. Yet, I tread lightly with MIL. W is her beloved daughter. MIL does say she knows W sooo well, but won't say anything to W about W's present behavior. Too afraid that W won't love her anymore, apparently. Same thing with SIL. Those two are the ONLY ones who can talk some sense to W. W may write them off for a short while, but they are family and I truly believe their words would stick with W, she'll get over it in short order and it would shorten this painful sitch for all. IMO, it would show an incredible amount of love to W to speak candidly with her. They won't though. And yes, I am DEMANDING respect in the work place. I will work to create an opening with MIL to broach this subject, again treading ever so lightly.
And I do agree with you, W is behaving like an A$$hHOLE, as much as it pains me to say that about her. At least I have not reached the point where I am comfortable enough and feel justified in calling HER an A$$HOLE! Still sticking with calling the behavior A$$HOLE-ish. Perhaps it's just semantics, but it helps me sleep at night and get through the day. I still love my W.
Quote: My new mantra: DETACH. SHUT UP! GAL. MOVE ON.
Don't forget MYOB.
Yes, my new amended mantra is: DETACH. SHUT UP! M M OB. GAL. BTW, the RED 'M' = MY , JSYK (Just So You Know )
Quote: Her galavanting is NOT your business.
No, kind ma'am, it certainly is NOT! Yesterday (or was it today?) MIL asked me what W was doing tonight and I gave her my new pat answer: I don't know. I don't ask. <shrug> And I left it at that. Works wonders in stopping inquiring minds cold.
And yes, I am DEMANDING respect in the work place. I will work to create an opening with MIL to broach this subject, again treading ever so lightly.
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