Today was interesting. Work was fine. After last nights interaction, my W and I had another interesting conversation.
I went over to her house to pick up our chilren and she had her MySpace.com page up. Curious, I asked her if she was going to let me see her 'page.' The first thing I noticed is the nickneame of 'MILF'. I asked her what that meant and she said it is an inside joke. I told her, well, you let me see that page, why not let me in on the joke. She translated it for me. It came from her sister's piece of sh*t best friend and means, Momma, I'd Lofe to F****! Nice. W acts even more like a teenage tramp than I ever imagined. Her profile says she IS divorced. I asked her, already knowing the answer to be no, if she planned on updating her marital status since she is, in fact, married. She said no. I asked her why? Afraid it will cut down on your traffic and inquiries? She said no, I don't consider myself married. I don't feel married. The profile also said she loves to go out and have fun and get drunk. Another scary admission. My thought at this point is to print her page for later us, if necessary to protect myself and our children.
I then asked her why OM wasn't on her page and she said he is and pulled up more. I asked her if OM was still dating his girlfriend and she said she didn't know. I asked her, and you're ok with that? She said no and then proceeded to tell me that while she and OM were exclusive, she wasn't exclusively seeing him so, she decided to give him another chance (out of guilt apparently). She said we will see (whether he is faithful this time around). Nothing like setting herself up to be treated like a piece of garbage starting off a brand new R like this and apparently condoning it. Oh the tangles webs she weaves when she deceives. Where all of the guilt is for what she did while we were exclusively married is beyond me. Apparently W has the male characteristic to be able to complartmentalize her life
I told her that no matter what she does and no matter what she says, she is still loved. She said she knows. I also told her that I meant it when I told her that I wished she valued herself more.
As I said in a recent post, I can't value her more than she values herself and I can't love her more than she loves herself. I've got one more to add. I cannot value and love her more than I value and love myself and our children. I am struggling to stay on my feet at this point. And so I pray even more for Jesus to strengthen my resolve, fortify my physical being, solidify my will to persevere in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds to achieve what will be a glorious victory for Him. I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see and truly, right now, I cannot see but I forge on in faith knowing that God's will will prevail in this dance with the enemy. I am God's soldier. I know not the meaning of surrender. I know not the meaning of defeat. I will win. My W will win. Our M will survive. Our family will once again be intact. And all of this will be made so by the power, grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, and patience of Our Father so that we may all glorify and serve Him for the rest of our days.
Quote: The first thing I noticed is the nickname 'MILF'. I asked her what that meant and she said it is an inside joke. I told her, well, you let me see that page, why not let me in on the joke. She translated it for me. It came from her sister's piece of sh*t best friend and means, Momma, I'd Lofe to F****! (should read, Momma, I'd Love to F***!) Nice. W acts even more like a teenage tramp than I ever imagined.
W said that the nickname came from that piece of sh*t SIL's best friend because so many 18-19 year old guys were offering to F my W. Again, nice. This is how my W gets her validation as a woman and builds her self esteem by going on MySpace.com to cyber peddle her 'wares'. If I sound bitter, it's because today is not a great PMA day for me, but I'll snap out of it.
More journaling- 08/26/06 Took my D to her skating Bday party. It was fun. Had a nice time. I then took D to W's neighbor across the street b/c neighbors' granddaughters were spending the night and D was spending the night to be with them. I stayed over at W's house much long than expected b/c I was talking to neighbor (H) about all kinds of stuff. We get along really well and they treat me well despite my sitch. I am completely comfortable with them even though I am certain my W trashes me to everyone she comes into contact with, including them.
Anyway, I called W to let her know that neighbor (W) was at her house watching the kids swim. She said fine, but sounded bothered about something. I asked her if something was wrong. She said yes. I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She said NO. I asked if she needed for me to do something for her. She again said NO. I said whatever is bothering you, I hope it works itself out. She said it will, in time.
Now, I don't know what the issue is. I know I didn't do anything to bother her today, but that's never stopped her before from being pissed at me. Now, since my PMA is not where I'd like it to be and I haven't been able to sufficiently raise it I am going to rant a bit. Please forgive me.
W's problems today on the heels of me asking about OM's girlfriend and whether or not OM is continuing on in that R caused W to be VERY uncomfortable. Yesterday she said she didn't know and said we'll see about the status of W's R with OM based on status of OM and his GF.
I am guessing, but I'd say that OM is not meeting W's expectations regarding behavior and OM is pissed that W has expectations re: his behavior when she has already clearly demonstrated that she has NO standards for OM's behavior by continuing to see him even though he lied and deceived her their ENTIRE relationship and she took him back quickly. I am certain OM's girlfriend has a LOT fewer strings, baggage, expectations, demands and complications. Ahh, the tangles webs we weave when we deceive. <shrug>
Anyway, this whole relationship was founded on lies and deceit. W has been lying to OM. OM has been lying to W. A reak solid foundation to a loving, trusting, long lasting R in which to unilaterally decide to involve our children. And some of my DB/DR brethren thought I could have handled my tirade to my W re: her whole introduction of OM in her usual selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-serving unilateral way when dealing with OM.
I could have, but I was pissed then; and rightly so. Looking back, I was dead on right about all of it being jr. high, puppy love, immature, fantasy world BS that she was so certain she wanted to take the the next level. BTW, what is the next level? A high school tryst? None of it is real. It's all a fantasy. Life is based on reality, NOT F-ing fantasy (not for any real length of time, anyway). Now that the truth comes out and OM is not so F-ing perfect and honorable and expectations have been placed and are clearly not being met and arguments are happening, real life begins to set in on this BRAND NEW relationship.
If I had it to do all over again(the tirade), what I said last time was rated G compared to what I'd say right now. It's probably a great thing that I have enough wits about me to rant here rather than to rant to her directly and/or send her a scathing e-mail. As Amy and Frank told me, keep myself above reproach. I am working at it diligently. I am amazingly clean even though my W keeps trying to make this a street/gutter fight.
I want to be married to my W. I want her to treat me as the husband she loves and respects. I will treat her with: 1. Patience 2. Love 3. Kindness 4. Honesty 5. Respect
W is still deserving of that treatment. We have a long way to go when she finally decides that she is tired of running from herself and her own problems. No matter how far and how fast she runs, when she stops she will still be right there. No one can run away from themselves forever unless they are crazy and she's not crazy. I do, however, believe that she is still hurting terribly from my A and does not want to deal with the devastating hurt (hell, who does?), so she blows through it by taking up residence on Angry Avenue so she won't have to deal with the hurt!
I also believe that she is lost and misguided and that the emotional rent on Angry Avenue is too high, so, soon, she'll need to move to Hurting Harbor where she will find her healing and emotional stability/safety.
And so I wait, steadfastly keeping myself open to reconciliation, and I still STAND for my W and M. I will walk by FAITH, even when I cannot see.
That's my perspective of what I see W going through emotionally and doing. One problem with my perspective is that I am IN the sitch with her, but don't have all of the info. Any chiming in from my DB/DR brethren would be greatly appreciated since all of you are truly on the outside looking in.
Sorry for my rant. It's off my chest and I feel cleansed and much better now. Thanks.
OK, my PMA is, more or less, where I need for it to be. I had an interesting evening with my in-laws. MIL and SIL watched our son from noon till 7PM. I went over there to pick S up and have dinner. The dinner conversation turned to SIL's best friend and W hanging out and that pissing off my SIL. No, I did not bring up the subject nor participate in the discussion.
Later in the evening, SIL and MIL took S and SIL's son up to bathe them. I was downstairs with my brother-in-law who makes no bones about his dislike of SIL's best friend. BIL then tells me his 'take' on my W and her behavior. BIL tells me that W is behaving very immaturely and that he believes that W has maybe 2 years to straighten out her act b4 D starts to make decisions on how she is going to behave as a woman. Either W straightens out her act and makes the right decisions and becomes a great role model to follow OR she continues acting so immaturely and D will decide how to behave in reverse by chooding to NOT follow what mommy is doing OR she may follow along with mommy's poor decision making example as her role model. Either way, W IS goint to impact our children greatly. I pray daily that God touches W to guide her along the path of becoming the woman that God always intended her to be.
BIL also said that SIL's best friend and W's friendship and hanging out so much is bound to fizzle out fast. There is an 8 year difference between the two of them and best friend is selfish and immature, and as the saying goes...water seeks its own level and W is certainly playing 'down' to be on par with the 24 yr old immature best friend. Plus, as BIL kept saying, W isn't getting any younger, no matter how much she tries to act younger and convince herself that she is younger. BIL also said that he believed that she is going to run out of steam soon, as do I. We will see. The said thing is that BIL told me that he and SIL believe that W has had a lot of practice living in denial when it comes to looking at herself and it's a strong poor character (lack of?) trait in W.
I am sad. EVERYONE who knows my W and has watched her behavior knows about my A and almost to a person, they all tell me that she seems to have the determination and the endurance to run from herself, her problems and reality indefinitely. They all also tell me to give up; throw in the towel, she's done and won't cut you any slack. I keep the Jeremy Camp song looping in my head: I will walk by FAITH, even when I cannot see. Faith is really all I have to go on besides the love I have for my W and family. By the same token, FAITH is really all I have to go on that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirity exist, and I KNOW they do!! So, my faith tells me that The Father and The Son want my M to survive more than I do. My faith tells me that God raising my M from what looks like certain death, is mere child's play compared to raising his son from the dead. In concert with my faith, I lay myself, my W and our M at the foot of the cross and ask that we all are consecrated with the sacred blood of Christ.
One last item. A special thanks to Doug01. He stopped in on my thread awhile ago and told me to quiet the voices. Each and every day the voices grow louder and more numerous and pound on the gate of my heart, mind, and soul harder and harder to cajole me into giving up on my W and M. But in the face of this growing surge of the enemy's brigade, I stand firm, emboldened that I stand for what is right AND righteous in my eyes and in the eyes of my God.
Doug01, or anyone who communicates with him, please tell him that his post touched me deeply and I would love to have him thim in again, if he can find the time and effort to devote his energy to me and my cause.
No, THAT BIL is my W's brother. He's a drunk, an addict, & an all around mess. I wouldn't trust him.
THIS BIL is my SIL's husband. He seems to have the same opinion of my W's behavior and choices as my SIL does right now. Too bad none of that matters to my W. Thes is in denial.
You're not going to be able to do anything to quicken the process your wife is in right now. Just continue to be a port for her in this storm. I sometimes think she's gone into MLC. If so, you need to prepare for a long ride.
Continue to work on yourself and keep your opinions to yourself around her family.
Quote: You're not going to be able to do anything to quicken the process your wife is in right now. Just continue to be a port for her in this storm.
Quote: I know and I will. I am stronger than even I thought I was; or maybe just crazier. I have been a port for her in this storm on several occasions. I continue to tell her that she is loved and a worthwhile person.
Quote: I sometimes think she's gone into MLC.
I've thought that from the very beginning. I even posted that in my thread and you responded to my thoughts on that.
Quote: If so, you need to prepare for a long ride.
I have a been prepared to be in for a long ride since I said I DO. This is the '...or worse part', I take it. That's OK. I can handle this. I hope she is able to hold her end together for herself and for our children. In my sitch/M, there is no quit in me, no surrender, no days off, no time outs, no throwing in the towel, no raising the white flag, no calling a truce. I only know how to fight this battle one way: ALL THE WAY, ALL THE TIME. My plan is keep on keepin' on in the good fight until the enemy calls it quits, having met his match and deciding to move on to easier prey. I will win. My W will ask me to reconcile. We WILL build a better, stronger, more respectful and loving marriage. My family will remain in tact. In the meantime, I will walk by FAITH, even when I cannot see and I will listen to the Voice of Truth. My PMA is BACK!!
Quote: Continue to work on yourself and keep your opinions to yourself around her family.
I will be working on me for the rest of my days and YES, I will heed your advice and SHUT MY MOUTH around her family. I know that's not what you said, but I believe it's what you meant.
I've thought that from the very beginning. I even posted that in my thread and you responded to my thoughts on that.
I'm sorry. I don't remember. Anyway as the sitch has continued, I have started to think it is a very real possibility even if I might not have in the beginning. Regardless, you are handling things as best you can.
Quote: I will be working on me for the rest of my days and YES, I will heed your advice and SHUT MY MOUTH around her family. I know that's not what you said, but I believe it's what you meant
And just look! You're even reading better between MY lines.
Quote: I'm sorry. I don't remember. Anyway as the sitch has continued, I have started to think it is a very real possibility even if I might not have in the beginning. Regardless, you are handling things as best you can
You NEVER need apologize to me. EVER! I truly believed that she is in grip of a MLC from the beginning because W has hated getting older and looking older and it would really chafe her backside when people thought we were close in age, cuz I'm 40 and she's going on 32. One more tidbit from BIL last night. He is a bartender and said that at his restaurant that he has to card anyone who looks 30 and under, so.... He also said that if he cards a woman who is tickled by being carded and he is asked to guess the age of the patron, everyone is going to guess at least 5 years younger than they think the patron is. Thats just a courtesy thing for vain people.
It makes sense that with what you know about W, that you wouldn't think that MLC would apply partly b/c of her age, I'm sure. I certainly don't fault you. Heck, I don't fault her, if it's a MLC. Sucks, but the MILC is not her fault. Her behavior is her fault, but, if I'm not mistaken, counseling is available for those suffering from a MLC and there is no excuse for not seeking counseling unless she is living on the banks of the river denial.
Happens. This is why I STAND for my M and my W because I am the rock who will see W and my family through whatever her issue is. If I don't, who will? Gotta stay in the fight 'til the fight is won! Wait...what's that I hear? The theme from Rocky?!?!?!? LOL
Quote: And just look! You're even reading better between MY lines.
Good friends are very hard to come by. I truly consider you a friend, even though you and I have never occupied the same space. You tell me what I need to hear and you give it to me straight.
I appreciate you, your candor, you generosity with your time, effort, & energy, and your willingness to offer your perspective. Everything you do helps me. EVERYTHING! Thank you for being a friend. I have never needed good friends more than I need them now. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I appreciate your advice to be her port in this storm. I will!
Quote: I'm sorry. I don't remember. Anyway as the sitch has continued, I have started to think it is a very real possibility even if I might not have in the beginning. Regardless, you are handling things as best you can
You NEVER need apologize to me. EVER! I truly believed that she is in grip of a MLC from the beginning because W has hated getting older and looking older and it would really chafe her backside when people thought we were close in age, cuz I'm 40 and she's going on 32. One more tidbit from BIL last night. He is a bartender and said that at his restaurant that he has to card anyone who looks 30 and under, so.... He also said that if he cards a woman who is tickled by being carded and he is asked to guess the age of the patron, everyone is going to guess at least 5 years younger than they think the patron is. Thats just a courtesy thing for vain people.
It makes sense that with what you know about W, that you wouldn't think that MLC would apply partly b/c of her age, I'm sure. I certainly don't fault you. Heck, I don't fault her, if it's a MLC. Sucks, but the MILC is not her fault. Her behavior is her fault, but, if I'm not mistaken, counseling is available for those suffering from a MLC and there is no excuse for not seeking counseling unless she is living on the banks of the river denial.
Happens. This is why I STAND for my M and my W because I am the rock who will see W and my family through whatever her issue is. If I don't, who will? Gotta stay in the fight 'til the fight is won! Wait...what's that I hear? The theme from Rocky?!?!?!? LOL
Quote: And just look! You're even reading better between MY lines.
Good friends are very hard to come by. I truly consider you a friend, even though you and I have never occupied the same space. You tell me what I need to hear and you give it to me straight.
I appreciate you, your candor, you generosity with your time, effort, & energy, and your willingness to offer your perspective. Everything you do helps me. EVERYTHING! Thank you for being a friend. I have never needed good friends more than I need them now. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I appreciate your advice to be her port in this storm. I will!
I will win. My W will win. Our M will survive. Our family will once again be intact. And all of this will be made so by the power, grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, and patience of Our Father so that we may all glorify and serve Him for the rest of our days.
My PMA is BACK!!