Quote: The first thing I noticed is the nickname 'MILF'. I asked her what that meant and she said it is an inside joke. I told her, well, you let me see that page, why not let me in on the joke. She translated it for me. It came from her sister's piece of sh*t best friend and means, Momma, I'd Lofe to F****! (should read, Momma, I'd Love to F***!) Nice. W acts even more like a teenage tramp than I ever imagined.
W said that the nickname came from that piece of sh*t SIL's best friend because so many 18-19 year old guys were offering to F my W. Again, nice. This is how my W gets her validation as a woman and builds her self esteem by going on MySpace.com to cyber peddle her 'wares'. If I sound bitter, it's because today is not a great PMA day for me, but I'll snap out of it.
More journaling- 08/26/06 Took my D to her skating Bday party. It was fun. Had a nice time. I then took D to W's neighbor across the street b/c neighbors' granddaughters were spending the night and D was spending the night to be with them. I stayed over at W's house much long than expected b/c I was talking to neighbor (H) about all kinds of stuff. We get along really well and they treat me well despite my sitch. I am completely comfortable with them even though I am certain my W trashes me to everyone she comes into contact with, including them.
Anyway, I called W to let her know that neighbor (W) was at her house watching the kids swim. She said fine, but sounded bothered about something. I asked her if something was wrong. She said yes. I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She said NO. I asked if she needed for me to do something for her. She again said NO. I said whatever is bothering you, I hope it works itself out. She said it will, in time.
Now, I don't know what the issue is. I know I didn't do anything to bother her today, but that's never stopped her before from being pissed at me. Now, since my PMA is not where I'd like it to be and I haven't been able to sufficiently raise it I am going to rant a bit. Please forgive me.
W's problems today on the heels of me asking about OM's girlfriend and whether or not OM is continuing on in that R caused W to be VERY uncomfortable. Yesterday she said she didn't know and said we'll see about the status of W's R with OM based on status of OM and his GF.
I am guessing, but I'd say that OM is not meeting W's expectations regarding behavior and OM is pissed that W has expectations re: his behavior when she has already clearly demonstrated that she has NO standards for OM's behavior by continuing to see him even though he lied and deceived her their ENTIRE relationship and she took him back quickly. I am certain OM's girlfriend has a LOT fewer strings, baggage, expectations, demands and complications. Ahh, the tangles webs we weave when we deceive. <shrug>
Anyway, this whole relationship was founded on lies and deceit. W has been lying to OM. OM has been lying to W. A reak solid foundation to a loving, trusting, long lasting R in which to unilaterally decide to involve our children. And some of my DB/DR brethren thought I could have handled my tirade to my W re: her whole introduction of OM in her usual selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-serving unilateral way when dealing with OM.
I could have, but I was pissed then; and rightly so. Looking back, I was dead on right about all of it being jr. high, puppy love, immature, fantasy world BS that she was so certain she wanted to take the the next level. BTW, what is the next level? A high school tryst? None of it is real. It's all a fantasy. Life is based on reality, NOT F-ing fantasy (not for any real length of time, anyway). Now that the truth comes out and OM is not so F-ing perfect and honorable and expectations have been placed and are clearly not being met and arguments are happening, real life begins to set in on this BRAND NEW relationship.
If I had it to do all over again(the tirade), what I said last time was rated G compared to what I'd say right now. It's probably a great thing that I have enough wits about me to rant here rather than to rant to her directly and/or send her a scathing e-mail. As Amy and Frank told me, keep myself above reproach. I am working at it diligently. I am amazingly clean even though my W keeps trying to make this a street/gutter fight.
I want to be married to my W. I want her to treat me as the husband she loves and respects. I will treat her with: 1. Patience 2. Love 3. Kindness 4. Honesty 5. Respect
W is still deserving of that treatment. We have a long way to go when she finally decides that she is tired of running from herself and her own problems. No matter how far and how fast she runs, when she stops she will still be right there. No one can run away from themselves forever unless they are crazy and she's not crazy. I do, however, believe that she is still hurting terribly from my A and does not want to deal with the devastating hurt (hell, who does?), so she blows through it by taking up residence on Angry Avenue so she won't have to deal with the hurt!
I also believe that she is lost and misguided and that the emotional rent on Angry Avenue is too high, so, soon, she'll need to move to Hurting Harbor where she will find her healing and emotional stability/safety.
And so I wait, steadfastly keeping myself open to reconciliation, and I still STAND for my W and M. I will walk by FAITH, even when I cannot see.
That's my perspective of what I see W going through emotionally and doing. One problem with my perspective is that I am IN the sitch with her, but don't have all of the info. Any chiming in from my DB/DR brethren would be greatly appreciated since all of you are truly on the outside looking in.
Sorry for my rant. It's off my chest and I feel cleansed and much better now. Thanks.
