Today was interesting. Work was fine. After last nights interaction, my W and I had another interesting conversation.
I went over to her house to pick up our chilren and she had her MySpace.com page up. Curious, I asked her if she was going to let me see her 'page.' The first thing I noticed is the nickneame of 'MILF'. I asked her what that meant and she said it is an inside joke. I told her, well, you let me see that page, why not let me in on the joke. She translated it for me. It came from her sister's piece of sh*t best friend and means, Momma, I'd Lofe to F****! Nice. W acts even more like a teenage tramp than I ever imagined. Her profile says she IS divorced. I asked her, already knowing the answer to be no, if she planned on updating her marital status since she is, in fact, married. She said no. I asked her why? Afraid it will cut down on your traffic and inquiries? She said no, I don't consider myself married. I don't feel married. The profile also said she loves to go out and have fun and get drunk. Another scary admission. My thought at this point is to print her page for later us, if necessary to protect myself and our children.
I then asked her why OM wasn't on her page and she said he is and pulled up more. I asked her if OM was still dating his girlfriend and she said she didn't know. I asked her, and you're ok with that? She said no and then proceeded to tell me that while she and OM were exclusive, she wasn't exclusively seeing him so, she decided to give him another chance (out of guilt apparently). She said we will see (whether he is faithful this time around). Nothing like setting herself up to be treated like a piece of garbage starting off a brand new R like this and apparently condoning it. Oh the tangles webs she weaves when she deceives. Where all of the guilt is for what she did while we were exclusively married is beyond me. Apparently W has the male characteristic to be able to complartmentalize her life
I told her that no matter what she does and no matter what she says, she is still loved. She said she knows. I also told her that I meant it when I told her that I wished she valued herself more.
As I said in a recent post, I can't value her more than she values herself and I can't love her more than she loves herself. I've got one more to add. I cannot value and love her more than I value and love myself and our children. I am struggling to stay on my feet at this point. And so I pray even more for Jesus to strengthen my resolve, fortify my physical being, solidify my will to persevere in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds to achieve what will be a glorious victory for Him. I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see and truly, right now, I cannot see but I forge on in faith knowing that God's will will prevail in this dance with the enemy. I am God's soldier. I know not the meaning of surrender. I know not the meaning of defeat. I will win. My W will win. Our M will survive. Our family will once again be intact. And all of this will be made so by the power, grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, and patience of Our Father so that we may all glorify and serve Him for the rest of our days.
I will win. My W will win. Our M will survive. Our family will once again be intact. And all of this will be made so by the power, grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, and patience of Our Father so that we may all glorify and serve Him for the rest of our days.
