[Bear]

I know what you mean Cally. I actually feel physically ill, sick to my stomache, tense, and anxious when I read some of Cobra's posts. I was married to an abusive man and it brings back a lot of those feelings. He too thought that sex was his right regardless of how he treated me. He would completely tear me down, undermine me at every turn and spew all kinds of abuse at me and then get angry when I wasn't initiating sex with him or if I wasn't fully into it when he wanted me to be. I lost myself to him and trying to keep the peace in that house for a long time and still have trouble thinking about it. I can clearly see that Cobra's wife has some major issues but like you say, how much of them stem from being with an abusive husband? And yes Cobra, you ARE abusive. You are hurting your wife and your children. Granted it sounds like your W is no angel either but the venom that comes through your posts is incredibly difficult to read. I would just like to say this to you Cobra and I hope you will understand that I say this out of concern for your kids...having been divorced, the first thing that is required is a class for the divorcing parents about the effects on the kids. The most important point they make is that it is essential to keep things civil between the parents and here's why. When you say negative things about the other parent in front of the child, the child will internalize it and believe you are saying it about them. They are, after all, 1/2 the other parent so you must feel the same way about them. It is a HORRIBLE burden to put on a child to make them choose sides between thier parents and it WILL come back to haunt you someday. The form it takes may surprise you, and not in a good way. You are creating self-hatred in your children. It needs to stop.

One last piece of unsolicited advice.(well, not really. You DID ask )...have you ever seen 4th/5th graders play basketball? It invariably winds up that there will be 10 players under the basket all crowded in trying to shoot, trying to rebound. They aren't running a play they are randomly flinging the ball in the air in the general direction they want it to go. What do you do in that sitch? Do you keep unproductively flinging the ball hoping it will go in the basket? No. You break it up, you spread out and take the ball back to the top of the key and let everyone get set up again so you can run a play, a predetermined course of action with a plan and a goal in mind. This is what everyone is saying to you Cobra. Get set up again. Start treating your wife the way you would if you were in a loving relationship like the one you desire. Would you be calling her stupid? Would you be telling the kids they don't have to listen to her? Change what YOU can. You have NO control over what she does but you do have control over you. Do you really mean to be teaching your daughter to end up with a man who will treat her the way you treat her mother? Take a step back, regain some of your composure, lose the venom and verbal abuse and let your W do the same, then try to run the play again. Play by the rules this time. You may be pleasantly surprised. If not, then at least you can take pride in showing your kids how to play by the rules. I wish you and your family well.

Bear