[Lillieperl]

Here's a book for you, cobra: Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy

"Contrary to the wisdom of pop psychology, it is not essential to your or your children's well-being for you to have a great marriage," writes psychologist Coleman in the opening to this frank (and, to borrow from Lewis's foreword, even "radical") guide for struggling couples. In prose studded references to recent research and case studies from his own practice, Coleman clearly and compassionately outlines the stresses on contemporary marriages; discusses the need for spouses to grieve for what their marriages don't offer them; urges them to understand how their parents' marriages affect their own and to work on changing their own attitudes and beliefs instead of trying to change their partners'; describes depression's effects on marriage; covers sexual difficulties, affairs and "different kinds of marriages"; and numerous other topics. Coleman's argument is that barring abuse or debilitating mental illness, it's better for kids if parents stay together, and here, he carefully shows them how. Some readers may object to what can seem like a "you're not going to get it, so you might as well stop hoping for it" philosophy of partnership, but Coleman's words are a welcome antidote to unrealistic portrayals of domestic bliss. With practical advice and genuine empathy, Coleman encourages spouses to stick it out: their marriage may not change drastically for the better, he says-but then again, it just might.

Dr. Coleman's work is surely to raise an eyebrow or two for its novel approach to resolving marital discord and dissatisfaction. His premise that the adults in the relationship should work for a rapproachment (if total peace is not possible) for the sake of the children will not be popular in a culture where no-fault divorce is the preferred solution.
What I love about this book is the way Dr. Coleman approaches marriage; realistically. You may have started out with what you felt was a "match made in heaven," or you may have been under an illusion that yours was a match made in heaven, but when things look like they are going south, this does not mean you bail.

Can you accept half a loaf (half a loaf is better than none)? How about a quarter or even an eighth of a loaf to ensure that your child's life is disrupted as little as possible? After all, it is all about the kids.

This book has a number of vignettes where Dr. Coleman is working with clients to change their expectations, or at the least help them to establish realistic expectations. He even goes so far to instruct partners how to live separate lives within their own home if getting along is no longer an option.

Imperfect Harmony takes a look at marriage unlike any book I have ever read on the subject. Sometimes things happen and things don't work out, but this is not to mean that everyone (especially the children) cannot live happily ever after.

If your marriage is in trouble, if you know someone with marital problems, or if you are interested in the topic of marriage as a counseling profession, this is a wonderful book to have. As a soon-to-be counselor I can actually envision myself using this book in couples and family therapy; assigning parts of the book for the clients to read for discussion in therapy.

Five plus stars for Imperfect Harmony.

"While nothing prepares us for what marriage is going to be like, the same can be said of divorce with children." ~ Joshua Coleman

How do you let go of your fairy-tale idea of marriage, maintain harmony and also take care of your children in a nurturing environment...when you no longer feel "in love" with your partner? This brings out a variety of complex issues that create waves of emotional response even for those who have yet to consider their options. When you decide to enter into a long-term relationship, you may not be aware of the challenges ahead.

"..the heady phase of newfound romance doesn't last, and that's often a disappointment, no matter how seasoned we are in relationships. It's disheartening because it means that we have to either break up or start dealing with our expectations of what a real relationship is going to be like with this person. This means moving into the uncomfortable realm of facing the imperfections of our partner and ourselves."

In the throws of initial infatuation and limerence, the future seems perfectly ordered and you can't imagine ever wanting to be apart from the person you imagine is your soul mate. Then the chemicals wear off and you start to experience the roller coaster ride of marriage that has highs and lows and various stages where we enter challenges that require personal growth. This is the time where either your heart takes over or your mind kicks into high gear and you start to solve problems with creative flair or a determination to save your marriage "no matter what."

Joshua Coleman provides a wise and compassionate view of marriage. He understands the dangers the dissolution of the family presents. He understands how parents worry about their children when they are away from home and why providing a caring and nurturing environment is better for the long-term emotional stability of children. As parents move through stages of denial, anger and bargaining they may come to a moment of acceptance and then find the required compassion to forgive and then move forward into a new stage of the relationship.

If you think your childhood is affecting your marriage, there is an entire chapter on the subject. Being neglected as a child is just as painful as being abused and the affects can later appear in your own marriage. This book sheds light on how the neglect or abuse causes you to react in your own marriage and how this can affect your children. With each problem, there is also a solution. The "Path for Change" sections give ideas for how to adapt or reverse situations that are completely in your control. This book will also help you understand why criticism can seem to be an act of betrayal or why self-destructive behaviors can be an attempt to manage fear. This chapter is especially interesting as it explains problems in a marriage from a perspective I had never considered.

"If your parent was depressed or neglectful, there might have been a reversal of roles. Rather than having the experience of being taken care of, you may have had to take care of your parent." ~Joshua Coleman

Imperfect Harmony is a book for anyone who is married, whether they have children or are considering starting a family. Even if you never intend to have children, but you are considering a divorce, this book could explain the real reasons your relationship is falling apart and there may be time to save your marriage. If you are depressed, this book also shows that when you are in a difficult relationship, it can affect your self-esteem. Anxiety, social withdrawal, sleep problems and decreased pleasure are only some of the effects discussed in this brilliant and enlightening book.

What can you do when your partner is depressed?
How do you deal with your own needs in a marriage?
What do you do when a partner withdraws sexually? (The humorous "Eleven Strategies to Guarantee a Bad Sex Life" is rather revealing and gives ideas for change.)
How do you avoid having an affair when your needs are not being met?
What should you do when a partner is verbally abusive?
How can you reduce conflict?

The "Eleven Ways to Work on Yourself" is a good way to balance out your life and create new priorities. The "Different Kinds of Marriage" encourage you to accept the stage your marriage is currently in or is heading towards.

Joshua Coleman presents creative ways to save your marriage that include everything from an "in-house separation" to "planning to separate after the kids are grown."

This is a must-read manual for marriage. This book will give hope to anyone who is married and feels that they are struggling to save a marriage alone. It will also provide a much-needed escape into "someone understands." With this book, you may truly be able to save your marriage and create a situation where you feel comfortable and secure. In this environment, you can then face all the additional challenges of raising children and balancing your career, emotional needs and spiritual goals.

For many, divorce is not an option and this book helps anyone in a situation where they are determined to stay married. Too often people casually advise walking away from a marriage, when truly a marriage is a learning experience and one of the most challenging experiences of your life. They don't seem to understand what you are fighting for and for some people, their marriage is extremely important and not something they casually entered into without consideration.

It is very satisfying to see an author take on this subject and make "staying married" very possible. This book will empower women who want to stay married! It is also a book that will give you deeper insight into the issues facing everyone who is married. We are all on a journey towards balance in our lives and this book is an excellent guide to balancing your needs with the needs of your children.

As a pastor, I have read many books on the subject of helping marriages because that is an important part of my ministry. However, this is the most radical, realistic and useful book I have ever seen. It is applicable not only to the average marriage but also to the more challenging ones like depression, personality disorders, alcoholism, and addictions.
I am very disappointed with many Christian authors of books on marriage who are so unreal and with many authors of books for family members of the mentally ill who don't say enough. Here is a book I can use in counseling others

After 10 years of marriage, a man's wife was diagnosed as a high functioning person with borderline personality disorder. Afterwards, she did not function on the same level as before.

For three and a half years, her husband did about everything Dr. Coleman says not to do in his chapter on depression in marriage. As a result, he ended up depressed himself after giving too much of himself away trying to hold the family together.

With the help of therapists and reading books like Imperfect Harmony, Wild at Heart, and No More Mr. Nice Guy, he found help to grow a long way from where he was a year and a half ago.

Marriage to anyone with a mental illness or addiction is under extreme pressure. Staying married for the children's sake and still be happy or wondering if you should stay married in such an imperfect harmony is the theme of this book.

Coleman writes of the various parts of a hoped for marriage that must be let go of. He writes about getting your focus off the spouse and onto what in your childhood attracted you to such a needy person. The author's definition of "toxic chemistry" is a helpful insight.

He challenges readers to work through their toxic brooding, despair, and chronic feelings of resentment. Then we can develop empathy and emotional seperatedness.

It is crucial to answer his question from chapter 3. How much meaning do you have in your life apart from your marriage?

Contrary to many other authors, he says that communication is not enough. Just because one has imperfect harmony in one's marriage does not mean you should leave.

He proposes good reasons for staying married with children present, even if your spouse is difficult or not fulfilling. Staying in such a marriage need not destroy you to be loved by them. However, he honestly states that in the case of physical abuse and extreme mental health issues the need to leave is very clear.

The major intent of this book is to help readers to see if it possible and necessary to stay in an imperfect harmony with one?s spouse without loosing themselves or their good impact as parents. His chapters on "Depression in Marriage", "The High-Conflict Marriage," and "Is Change Possible" are worth the price of the whole book.

One cannot and must not read this book at supersonic speed. It is a rich book to read, reflect upon, and dwell upon its searching questions. Reading it in conjunction with one's therapist will bring you the most benefits from this book.

Thank you Dr. Coleman for writing this book. I hope seminaries use your book in their marriage and family counseling courses for future pastors.

In a sea of glib, peppy books that promise to transform a messy marriage into a fairy-tale romance in six (or seven or nine) easy steps, Imperfect Harmony is a bastion of practicality, sanity, and hope. No bogus promises here. If you want to stay together for your kids or just want to have a happier marriage, this smart, no-hype volume gives you a detailed roadmap for navigating your way through complex relationship issues.
Author Joshua Coleman never sugar-coats or flinches from the less-than-glamorous truth. He furnishes a toolbox of practical suggestions and exercises that can help you improve and sweeten your marriage. Real-life examples, drawn from Coleman's psychotherapy practice, illustrate in unvarnished detail exactly how couples can work to resolve specific issues. The outcomes may not always be sprinkled with self-help pixie dust, but they work in the real world.

Imperfect Harmony is radical in its perspective, compassionate in its tone, and rare in its honesty. Its no-bull quality is refreshing and somehow reassuring. This is a generous book, and the author seems to genuinely care about his readers. If you're looking for a quick fix (hey, let me know if you find one) or don't want to work on your marriage, this book isn't for you. But if you want to build a more loving, lasting relationship, this book could make all the difference.

Imperfect Harmony is a breath of fresh air for those of us who have worked to stay married, but often staying for reasons which seem socially unacceptable. This book helped validate 20 years of my life. Dr. Coleman takes a realistic view of what is going on in contemporary society, staying married for the sake of the kids. I felt even further validated by the practical tools he offers which work to finely tune my entire family system!

[cally]

Cobra in a healthy normal relationship the foundation you build on is love. You don't have that. Love is essential in any relationship. What really amazes me is how you still go to her expecting sex. You expect some sort of partnership and sex. You have also stated that you don't even have attraction to her. But yet you expect sex. You know I am going to throw something out there. You keep focusing on what past issues she may have had from way back when. How about the issues she may have from being with a man like you for as long as she has been with you? The only way she may see a sexual relationship is being with a man who just wants to get his rocks off. There is no attraction or love or anything intimate about it AT ALL. I am sure she deals with these issues all the time within her heart. She probably hates the way it feels. Maybe she even feels like a prostitute from time to time. The only thing she doesn't get afterwards is money. The one thing I can say about my marriage is there has never been a time when I have made love with my husband that he doesn't hold me tight and tell me he loves me. It is the best feeling in the world. There are times he may grab me in his arms and tell me I look yummy that day. These things matter big time to a woman. She doesn't have that with you and never has. Don't think for one minute that this doesn't bother her. This I am sure has created a whole lot of issues for her. She lashes out because she doesn't feel good about herself. You are harming this poor woman by insisting that she stay with you and work on things. If anything maybe let her go so she can experience love and true intimacy. You don't love her. You don't even have a physical attraction to her. This may be her biggest issue she deals with yet. It may hurt so bad she can't bring herself to mention it.

It is so painful whenever I read your posts that you are often asked what you do like about her? You can't say one thing.

I am beginning to think you may need a little help yourself. You have no right my friend to EXPECT sex with this woman!

[Bear]

I know what you mean Cally. I actually feel physically ill, sick to my stomache, tense, and anxious when I read some of Cobra's posts. I was married to an abusive man and it brings back a lot of those feelings. He too thought that sex was his right regardless of how he treated me. He would completely tear me down, undermine me at every turn and spew all kinds of abuse at me and then get angry when I wasn't initiating sex with him or if I wasn't fully into it when he wanted me to be. I lost myself to him and trying to keep the peace in that house for a long time and still have trouble thinking about it. I can clearly see that Cobra's wife has some major issues but like you say, how much of them stem from being with an abusive husband? And yes Cobra, you ARE abusive. You are hurting your wife and your children. Granted it sounds like your W is no angel either but the venom that comes through your posts is incredibly difficult to read. I would just like to say this to you Cobra and I hope you will understand that I say this out of concern for your kids...having been divorced, the first thing that is required is a class for the divorcing parents about the effects on the kids. The most important point they make is that it is essential to keep things civil between the parents and here's why. When you say negative things about the other parent in front of the child, the child will internalize it and believe you are saying it about them. They are, after all, 1/2 the other parent so you must feel the same way about them. It is a HORRIBLE burden to put on a child to make them choose sides between thier parents and it WILL come back to haunt you someday. The form it takes may surprise you, and not in a good way. You are creating self-hatred in your children. It needs to stop.

One last piece of unsolicited advice.(well, not really. You DID ask )...have you ever seen 4th/5th graders play basketball? It invariably winds up that there will be 10 players under the basket all crowded in trying to shoot, trying to rebound. They aren't running a play they are randomly flinging the ball in the air in the general direction they want it to go. What do you do in that sitch? Do you keep unproductively flinging the ball hoping it will go in the basket? No. You break it up, you spread out and take the ball back to the top of the key and let everyone get set up again so you can run a play, a predetermined course of action with a plan and a goal in mind. This is what everyone is saying to you Cobra. Get set up again. Start treating your wife the way you would if you were in a loving relationship like the one you desire. Would you be calling her stupid? Would you be telling the kids they don't have to listen to her? Change what YOU can. You have NO control over what she does but you do have control over you. Do you really mean to be teaching your daughter to end up with a man who will treat her the way you treat her mother? Take a step back, regain some of your composure, lose the venom and verbal abuse and let your W do the same, then try to run the play again. Play by the rules this time. You may be pleasantly surprised. If not, then at least you can take pride in showing your kids how to play by the rules. I wish you and your family well.

Bear