I don't think it is a cop out but rather an accurate reflection of where you are. AND, what you seem to think is "clean pain" a'la the crucible approach seems the opposite to most of us. There is pain and conflict that is unhealthy, tears down the relationship and the individuals and there is positive pain that results in growth. We don't live your life but I would suggest that you honestly evaluate whether you "turn up" the heat on Mrs. Cobra for her, for your M or for your own need to punish her, be right or gain control. Evaluate whether the kind of conflicts you engage in really lead to "differentiation" or to estrangement. There is a difference. If you do want intimacy, kindness and generosity in your M, and I believe you do, and you believe that Mrs. C wants it too then be the first to model it and refuse to accept otherwise from her.
I can see how you two are at such odds over the kids and I don't think you can fix that until you have mutual respect. You are right. All kids will have issues in life - regardless. We all do our best to minimize those then pray or cross our fingers that everything turns out ok.
