You are quite right in that the lack of compassion is a major problem in my M. If I were to look at this as a business arrangement, I think things could be better on some levels, but I do not want that kind or relationship. I want a caring, intimate marriage. I also think my wife wants the same. I do not think the problem lies in our objectives, but in the baggage we each bring to the relationship. In all due respect to each of you, I think what you are recommending is a cop out. I do not say that in an insulting fashion, but isn’t it so much easier to say, just give up, D, separate, whatever.
Maybe that would be better than where we are now, but I do not think it is ideal. And I am not convinced the ideal is so elusive that I should give up. The progress we have made has been VERY slow, at least IMO (my W might think otherwise). But there have been a mountain of issues to work through and we have laid many of them to rest. Just because there are many more to deal with does not mean we should stop.
BUT, it also means that the traditional way of dealing with relationships – simply working on yourself and waiting for the other to see what they cannot see – can be an exercise in futility. There has to be another way. Since I do not think the passive approach works, I apply some pressure, I turn up the heat on the crucible. I do not think that is wrong. It can be painful. It can raise doubts, bring each of us to question the future, but the purpose is to sift out that which is truly important.
My W is slowly beginning to sift through those priorities. So am I. If I were to look back on the past 3 years and not be able to see any movement, then I would agree with what you all are saying. But I do see change. So I have to believe further change can yet come. What I do not know is whether the pace of that change will increase or slow down, and whether enough changes can be made to salvage the marriage.
To answer concerns over the kids – it comes down to balancing benefits of the marriage versus costs of the fighting. I struggle with this dynamic all the time and constantly wonder where that balance point lies. So far I am not convinced that things are so bad that D would be an improvement. I understand the issue of emotional IQ but I think underlying this is the bigger issue of anger and trying to avoid stress, blame, guilt, maintaining a healthy self image, self confidence, etc. They will need counseling when they get older. Kids in “happy” homes need their own counseling too.
I am not sure about W being a better mother if she were on her own. I don’t trust her ability to handle high stress levels, and that is what I think she would feel as a single parent, even if she only had the kids half the time. Of course this is just speculation on my part, but stress is a major problem for her that she dumps on the kids. Being around her, I tend to react to this. That is my part to work on, but I don’t intend to work on it by learning to put up with her crap, but by learning to not react AS she learns to stop her reactions.
Right now, she is addressing this by immersing herself in her work and essentially withdrawing from the family. The kids sense this (especially S9) and get irritated with her. But that is her MO, run rather than address problems head on and work toward a solution.
For sleeping arrangements, we are actually halfway toward what Corri suggests already. W has not slept in our bed in few years now. Her excuse is that I snore too loudly and that the mattress we had (a soft-sided waterbed) was too “lumpy” (I still can’t figure out how you get “lumps” in a waterbed). We got some other twin mattresses which I put on our bed to resolve the “lumpiness” issue. She now claims the box foundation must be uneven. Anyway, she has been sleeping upstairs in one of the kids rooms (usually S9’s room) for the past few years. This isn’t all so bad since I have the bed to myself and sleep quite well. As long as I can get regular sex, I can live with this. But it is not true companionship.
