I think that this series of posts has finally brought us around to the most useful discussion of Cobra's sitch yet. I think Corri's post is spot on.
Frankly Cobra, what has concerned me the most about your posts for a very long time is your concentration on your wifes FOO and the dynamics of your R when you state openly that there was and is "no love" between you and that you don't really seem to think that love can grow between you that you are only trying to figure out how to live semi-harmoniously, raise your kids and have a reasonable sex life. Frankly, in a companionate marriage that is not based on love your W's FOO and concerns about "the relationship" have no place. The only area that bears discussion is where your lives intersect - the kids, the bills, your home, and working out some arrangement around sex (whether inside or outside the M). If you would quit dissecting her and her motives maybe you could get to the place where you could reach agreement on money, her piles of crap in the house, issues with the kids, issues with sex etc... Her motives are immaterial - this is a business negotiation. If she knows it and you know it then stick to the first rule of business - "it isn't personal." I don't know if you can live like that. I think that the reason you are so stuck on the FOO stuff and keep studying R dynamics is because, in your heart you want there to be more. If you do, maybe you should consider co-parenting and finding your happiness elsewhere.
I'm not trying to be mean or to condescend. Just as much as you are suffering in this R, your W is too. You need to be looking for ways to end the suffering and it seems the classic idea of M isn't going to be the way to go.
