Well, I certainly think everyone has the lay of the land now.
Given what you have described, in the scenario of how you have described it... I think I may be able to see where the 'rub' is.
Most people who come to this particular BB are not merely interested in upping the frequency, per se, but upping the intimacy. It is very clear to me why your M is sex starved... and really, to me, the only person who is benefitting from constructing the R as you have indicated, is you. That is not a put down, btw, and I don't mean it as such. But what I would do is to make absolutely certain your W understands the M in terms of business, and leave all R talk out of it. It has absolutely NO PLACE in your M, and is only confusing the issue... especially for her.
If you want a harmonious setting between the two of you, I would give yourselves separate bedrooms... it will help her stress levels a great deal (if you are not already separate). I would discuss with her a sexaul encounter agreement, and perhaps see if she would like something in exchange for her efforts. In that sense, it will keep OUT any confusing notion that sex between you may be something other than what it is, when it is, in fact, not. This will help her a great deal in containing her emotions, and it will give her an avenue of thinking... whether she thinks she can do this for you or not.
The longing that you both have for intimacy will never fade, and in this scenario, both of you will, I doubt seriously, ever be truly 'happy.' But if getting your kids raised, together, in a harmonious household is the goal, you are going to have to drop all facade that your M is something more than what it is... and stop trying to pursue making it into something other than what it is. I think this is where most of the illusion is entering the picture.
If you both can accept this, then I agree with Lil, I think you will be surpised at just how civil you CAN be to one another.
I really, honestly think that your problems are coming in because you somehow both think you have an R. You don't. You just live in the same house and have the same children. Quit treating it and expecting anything more from it, and I think you will see your power issues begin to dissolve.
If your W does not want to continue sexual relations with you, I can understand that... but you may want to suggest that you discreetely get your needs met elsewhere. If this notion goes against your ideas of matrimony, or hers... under this scenario that you have described, I seriously, seriously doubt you will ever solve your power struggle.
In that regard, then, you might be able to think through if staying in the M IS actually worth it. The intimacy that is absent between you and your W is going to rob your children of any emotional IQ. They have to learn it somewhere. I realize you are doing the best you can in this situation, but I personally don't feel that that is providing your kids with the best you can give in some other context.
I know you don't trust your wife, but she might BE a better mother away from such an atmosphere... just as you, I'm sure, would be a better dad.
This is just my opinion, obviously. But again, if you are going to set up a business agreement, you both really should treat it as such. I think the illusion of it being something other than what it isn't is what is causing you the biggest problem.
This, btw, is exactly why I got out of my M. Not projecting onto you, okay? Not saying what was good for me would be best for you. Just another way of looking at things.
