I agree with everything you say. Yes, we have a lack of trust because of a lack of respect. While I know she picks up on my vibes, in exactly the way you describe, I also pick up on hers. For example, I have long suspected that she was spending money as much as she could, while she had the chance, knowing that eventually she was going to leave, and better to milk the gravy train while she could. Not long ago she admitted to this very thing in counseling.
So my shutting down the joint checking account and severing all joint credit cards makes sense (at least to me). Now she has her money, I have mine, and we do not argue over finances any more (which used to be a HUGE issue, as you can imagine). Her going to work is setting in place new boundaries that are actually beneficial for us, FORCING us each to maintain certain levels of respect toward each other, FOR OUR OWN SAKE. In other words, as we each become more independent, we come to realize (or at least she is now realizing) that cooperation is a self serving process.
Before she felt no reward as a SAHM, especially a feminist SAHM. Now with a career, she sees value in cooperation and marriage, not just in raising the kids, but in her own ability to put in more hours at work, to focus on her school materials, draft lesson plans, etc., time that she would otherwise have to share with maintaining a home, even if just for herself.
This is where the foundation of our marriage can take hold. Not on love, but on common need and a certain acceptance that it may be easier to stay together than get divorced. I have known this, but she could never see it. She was always feeling trapped (much by her own fears over the kids) and longing to get out. I do not think she ever appreciated my contributions to the marriage and the family, so I brought little value to the relationship, so why should she respect me. In turn, I sensed that she only used me as a work horse.
Now, I think the lesson we are learning is mutual respect based on need and an acceptance that life can be easier together, rather than apart, as long as we can both agree to certain rules and division of labor. This may not be the fairy tale love. But I do think we can grow to care for each other and I think we can have a decent marriage. Maybe this isn’t for everyone, but its what we have to work with.
