I've waited to post a response to you so I could think about some of the things you've stated.
IMHO Your M has NEVER had a leg to stand on as far as having a chance at being a good/loving/stable one. I don't mean that as a slam either...it's just an honest opinion. You two didn't go into this M with love as a very basic foundation from the get-go, and well...we're far from the days of arranged marriages (when many people did have A's). You, at the very least (since I don't know her side) went into this with resentments about the marriage from the beginning....and that is definitely not a good foundation to build something loving/lasting on...you still hold those resentments, perhaps have formed new ones too. No telling where your W stands exactly...but probably in a similar position.
Sure, you can build some mutually loving "family" moments....but those aren't "intimate" moments between just you two. It seems to me that you two never truly wanted to be together as a couple...and only married due to the pregnancy...so honestly there has never been any true intimacy between the two of you, not from the beginning of your M. Perhaps there was some when you two initially met....but then you separated etc....it just seems to me that has never been there from the beginning of your M.
So...I guess my question to you is, what are you hoping to accomplish NOW? You appear to hold your W in a view of resentment and disdain...at least that's how it comes across on here quite a bit of the time...at least to me when I read your posts. Do you have ANY loving feelings towards her at all that aren't related to the children? If not, WOW, I hate to say this....I don't see you accomplishing your goals (whatever they are, I'm still not quite clear on that.) You could probably increase the times you two have "sex" but that will just be a physical thing...it won't have anything to do with intimacy....and I don't think it will increase the quality of your M.
As others have said...she's bound to pick up on your true feelings...whether you state them or not. People simply pick up on vibes if nothing else...there's a tension that comes with resentment that's so easy to pick up on. It's body language, it's looks, it's tone of voice, it's word-choice...resentment comes out in so many forms. I know that I would be very unlikely to be very cooperative with someone that I felt was viewing me in the light you appear to view your W in. It would give me no motivation to work with that person. Add to that the issue of that person trying to get me to address things that I don't want to address (like you trying to get your W to address her FOO issues)....well, you'd meet a stone wall. I guess you could say that internally I'd be saying to that person "You obviously don't like me....why should I change for someone who doesn't even like me? F.U.!" It seems to me that she does the same thing to you too though. It's just not a suprise to me Cobra that you two are going round and round. Without respect for one another there is no trust, without trust....there is no intimacy.
I wish I had something more helpful to say, this is just my observation of your sitch with your last few revelations.
BTW...I just read your last post, and you just reiterated much of what I just wrote, so....nevermind.
GEL
