For those familiar with my sitch, I’ve made no illusions that the initial newly wed love is missing from our marriage. It was never there to begin with. Neither of us can look back to a time when we were totally infatuated and in love with each other. It just never occurred. So my statement may seem cruel to those of you who have experienced such love. To me, there is nothing cruel about it. It is a simple statement of fact. She has reiterated the exact words in counseling as well. This is just one of the many issues we struggle with. There is no solid foundation to give the memories and longings to return to some time in the past.
We have the kids and for the most part, staying together has been in their best interest. There are times when the decision to stay or D seems to be 50/50. But those times come and go. One thing I do know, as Hairdog as stated many times, a D can be very damaging and once you go there, you cannot reverse it. Even if we were to D and remarry, the damage has been done.
With that said, the weekend went about as I expected. Saturday I woke up listening to her bark some orders to the kids, made a comment back to her but things settled down. She was stressed over the messy house and all her school work, so I asked her what she needed help on, and started to clean the kitchen, help with the clothes, etc. The kids cleaned their rooms. W started to pick up her stuff scattered everywhere. I helped her with some of her school materials. This helped to calm her down and by the afternoon she was in a decent mood.
Later in the day I asked when we would have sex. She said she could have anyone calling her a b*tch. I said fine, I can’t have anyone attacking my intentions as a father. That was all that was said about that. She did say we could have sex. Saturday school work went late, and as I was still trying to get over my cold, we just went to bed.
The cleaning went into Sunday. I did the usual shopping, helped more with her stuff, and latter that evening we did have sex. She seemed to be in a decent mood. I asked if we could do it again on Monday, but things ran late on Monday and I just let it pass. Last night was TKD night, and after the kids got to bed, she actually came into the bedroom to say that she had agreed to have sex again and would I like to do it. Though she was a little irritated with the kids over getting homework finished, picking up their stuff, going to bed, etc., she was still able to drop it and was in a good mood for sex, though it was something of a quickie.
So there you have it. She does not like my fighting back with her or pushing my “control” but she does seem to understand on some level that she brings a lot of this on herself. I do not accept responsibility for her faults and do not fully apologize for the arguments we get into. I apologize for my actions, calling her names, etc., but I do not even attempt to apologize for her getting me angry. If she doesn’t want me mad, she can do her part to keep her actions and words within reason.
She would like me to say I will always be calm and controlled, never raise my voice, never get angry. I am not at a level that I can do that. Nor do I believe she is at a level that she can respond to that. Her self control has improved over the years and it slowly gets better (the medication helps). But I do not believe she is the type of person who can control and discipline herself if there are no boundaries, limits, or consequences put on her.
Part of what I originally got mad at her about last week was her backsliding on issues with the kids we had already worked on. So I told her at the time to back off and stop trying to control and intimidate everyone. Without a certain force holding her in line, her natural tendency is to push. I believe she cannot really help it, or that she knows she is doing it. So I occasionally have to push back.
So, for the moment, I think we are back on a decent footing.
