[haphazard]

So Cobra your wife is a "special case" your marriage is a "special case".

Listen to GEL you know what a wonderful spouse-whisperer she is. I would love to hear more from GEL about how she deals with her H's filters. My H has exactly these filters, he instantly sees an alternate POV as an attack. Gel some sample convos would be great!

I don't hear compassion you need to add compassion. My H and also my sister have similarities to your W, they terretorialise certain areas and defend them the way a dog would. They act mean when they are stressed or overwhelmed. The one time I got past my sister's meanness was a time when her youngest was just 2, she had just got divorced but been separated since before he was born. The boys were about to go on their first trip away with their dad. I bumped into her at the supermarket and she was supercilious and rude to me, I was taken aback, I'd done nothing to deserve it. Suddenly the light-bulb went off in my head and I reached over and touched her arm and said "you're really stressed out about the kids going away, aren't you?" She melted instantly and we had a long heart to heart about it. The problem with this type of mean behaviour is it is incongruous with the vulnerability the person feels inside - it gives off the wrong message to other people. They really want to say "I feel terrible and I need a hug" but instead they say "Don't come near me or I might bite". Even though I know this now I still find it incredibly difficult to translate. I have managed to do so more often with my S7 (another one in the same mould) but it is easier to have compassion for your kids.

1) Practise staying alpha: calm, solid, rock-like this does not mean giving way, it means staying on message and not being deflected by her antics.
2) Show compassion, try to translate her meanness. You already know why she behaves this way, try reacting as though she had said "please help me Cobra"
3) Please stay away from involving the kids in your battles, it's parenting 101
4) Catch her doing things right, however small and give her some positive feedback.

Woo her Cobra, that is what you entitled this thread. Try smiling and saying she looks great. Try buying her the odd little gift "just because". Try telling her she is a great mother, not an over-controlling over-anxious one. People really do live up to our expectations, your expectations of your W appear to be incredibly low, and from what you have said about how you two wound up married I would say they probably always have been. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You said that she had the following greivances
I am “high maintenance” - the response to that is yes I am and so are you. I'm prepared to put in the work please do the same for me.
• She is too busy trying to keep up with her new class we're all busy, she has to decide what she will drop to make up for it and you have to draw a line in the sand about what she WON'T be dropping
• She is ADD and has problems organizing and that takes much of her time with her class. You have said she messes up the house with her stuff. Confine her stuff to one area that you both agree upon, and leave her to be as messy as she likes. If stuff creeps back out of that area, throw it back in - warn her that this is going to be your approach, so she knows that she only has herself to blame if it is all in random heap. Other than that make no further comment about it. She is not "morally reprehensible" because she finds it difficult to be organised.
• She thinks I believe I know everything regarding relationships and she does not like to be told what’s wrong with her. No she doesn't, and nor do you. Stop it

take care

Fran