I hear what you are saying and I have been able to do this at times. Sometimes I can see her trying to make some small changes, or at least staying out of things if they do not directly concern her. You are correct that she takes everything I say as a potential attack or criticism. But in my defense, I must say that if she would concede to some of my concerns or at least try to address them, a LOT of my “criticism” would go away. The fact that she tends to hoard control over every aspect of the kids pushes me completely out of the circle and makes me feel like an outsides and only a work horse.
I have explained this to her, as has the counselor. This part is slowly sinking in, though I think it is somewhat a façade. She still keeps oversight on my actions. If she thinks I am out of line for some reason, she will over rule my decisions.
Yesterday was a good example. Tues is usually TKD night, the only night we go now. But with school starting, there as an open house so we both went. I told W and the kids we would do TKD on Thursday instead. Well yesterday D15 stayed after school to talk to her math teacher. She was having problems with some new concepts and has a test today. I had called home as I usually do to be sure the kids got home ok, to tell them to do their homework, see how much they have, remind them to get ready for TKD.
D15 was not there so I called her at school, which is when I found out about this whole math problem. But D15 seemed to be fine with TKD, so I was going to pick her up at school. D15 called W to see if W could pick her up instead. W then called me to tell me the kids were not going to TKD that night. We went round on this awhile because I felt she was telling me what to do, not asking. She said I had told her what to do by earlier telling the kids TKD would be Thursday rather than Tuesday. She never agreed to the change so I was therefore forcing it on her.
Yeah, that sounded like a bunch of BS but I pressed the point that if I was supposed to get her permission to change TKD nights, or at least ask her if it is OK to change, then she needs to afford me the same consideration and ask me to not take the kids on Thursday, rather than tell me. That bit of “logicalling” got through and she agreed (for now).
But read between the lines and you will see that her reaction is driven by a need to protect the kids. She sees me as the bad person, and she goes into protective mode. Really she is reacting to her own fears that are being triggered by the kids putting too much responsibility on her. She is feeling overwhelmed. The worst part of all this is that she demands that the kids do this – they need to let her know of everything going on, or they get in trouble. So she forcefully takes on more than she can handle then blows a gasket.
Sometimes, like yesterday, I can handle her well and work past her defensiveness and reach some understanding. Other times I have reached my limit and I blow up. Surprisingly, those blows can actually bring about constructive change.
To continue my story, she had also complained that I did not know what was going on with D15’s math issues since I was not around. I went to play softball on Wed night, as I usually do (which triggers some of her entitlement resentment). So last night I came home from work and offered to help clean up, since the house was a mess from her cooking dinner on Wed night (even though I asked her to clean up after herself on the increasingly rare times that she does cook). I cleaned the kitchen and heated leftovers for the kids. She cleaned the cat litter box and threw some clothes in the wash for the kids to then fold. So things got back in order and I think she felt supported, though at first she did ask me why I was being so nice??!! That speaks to her trust issues and self esteem issues, but I let it go. At the end of the day, I think I was able to lower the tension in the house and set up for a little better atmosphere going into the weekend when she said she would have time to talk. We shall see.
