I can understand your frustration with my “stubbornness” in listening to your advice, but frankly I do not believe most of you know what I am dealing with. There have been a few posters on this board who are in similar situations. I think Hairdog’s wife is similar to mine, so was V/ZBube’s wife and one other guy who was around for a short time.
I believe my W has major FOO issues that push her into her OCD behaviors, exacerbate her ADD and cause her to exert extremely strong control over her world. Her childhood was totally chaotic and the only coping mechanism she could come up with was to control as much in her life as possible. It was not just a matter of preference, but for her I believe she saw it as almost a matter of life or death. To control is to find peace and security. No one can be trusted, especially males. These are the makings of a dictator.
Years ago, when the kids were small, all this was more evident because she was not on medication. I saw very clear cycles to her emotions which led me to suspect she was manic/depressive or possibly a borderline personality. Since she has been on medication, I have not seen this cyclicality occur. The meds have flattened that out. But she has moderated the dosage because too much makes her groggy and dulls her mind. The problem is that for normal, non-stressful daily life, this is fine. When stress levels go up, this level of medication is not enough.
A lot came together to trigger this latest argument - school starting for her and the kids, my taking the kids on vacation right before school starts so she did not have the chance to get everything “just right” before school started and relieve her stress, and then S9 getting the ear ache. She assumes far too much responsibility for the kids, which often causes her to magnify the seriousness of the issue. Their problems are her problems and with her working now, it is too much for her to handle. She has complained of this to our counselor, saying that she HAS to do this because I won’t.
The counselor does not see the concern any more than I do. She does understand why W feels this way and has been trying to get W to let go of things and see if the kids can cope and actually survive – and they have. The downside for W is now the kids are less dependent on her so I think she feels a certain degree of abandonment, causing her to turn to her work and put in long hours, under the excuse that as a new teach with ADD, she HAS to. S9 is not lost on this change and pressures her to come home sooner.
With a personality like this, it is important to understand that growth is very slow and very reluctant. The counselor has had some success, but it pales in comparison to what I had done. The biggest fastest changes in our marriage have come about when I forced change. Think of her as a bully trying to mark of as much of the neighborhood as possible as “his” turf. She will not give up “her” ground, as illegitimate as it may be unless she has to. I am pushing her back with everything I have. She will fight and protest loudly, but she will pull back. As long as I monitor the new border, she will hold her position, all the time complaining about how I treated her, but never acknowledging the fact that she should never have encroached there in the first place.
So to her I am the bad guy. To you all I appear as the bad guy. Fighting this fight takes a huge toll on me and on my kids. But I will not give back ground already won. It was far too expensive. My frustration with this board is that you all do not seem to understand this. You are lucky in that you do not have this type of spouse to deal with. A rational spouse would be a godsend to me. Rationality only goes so far when you are dealing with fear. So in answer to your question Martelo, I say YES, my reactivity has improved the marriage.
Where I admit fault is in my delivery. There are times when a softer more compassionate approach may be better. A calm, firm, assertive alpha would also be good. But just being this type of H all the time will NOT push back that border. The only way to move the line is by force or my her own desire. Until she achieves her own awareness and comes to see what she cannot see, I am forced to make a decision on what is best for my kids and myself. Sometimes I chose to tolerate her encroachment, and I tell the kids to make peace and just let things go, that in the end it doesn’t matter that much. Other times I must push back.
If everyone can help me to push in a more diplomatic way, I would be grateful. But understand that simply holding to my borders values, etc. in the hopes that she will eventually listen to her guild and control her encroachment is wishful thinking, IMO. And if it does work, it could take too long. Trying to get her to move voluntarily means she needs to understand why she should move. She has built extremely high and strong defenses to prevent this from occurring. It is a very, very difficult situation.
