[heatherg]

address the underlying problem. That almost always requires compromise by both parties.

Yes, compromise by both parties and a lot of trust. That's why cutting right to the sensitive underlying issues may not be the best place to start for your particular M. Or mine. There is more than one way to skin a cat Cobra, although I hate that saying.

there is nothing I can or should do to change or correct her, for otherwise it is manipulation.

Unless I missed it, the only person on this thread who has used the word 'manipulation' is you. I think Lil counted three times that she's tried to clarify what she's saying in particular and what the rest of us are saying is not far off.

let W do as she pleases and hope that eventually she will see her errors and self correct,

Most people want to be a good person, I believe that. Do you believe that about your W? Aren't there subtle ways you can guide her through what YOUR version of a good person is without calling her a fcking B? Just like with your kids, lead by example. She's not stupid ya know.

Remaining “integrous” amidst an onslaught is nothing more than accepting a certain level of abuse.

I think you should focus on the word *accepting*. It's pretty hard to abuse a person who isn't there, who walked away or handled something without the <abusive> input from the other party. Again, setting the example, making your boundary. Cobra, you know all this, you're just falling into the trap of believing that your situation is different, that it doesn't apply to you or your W or your M. IT DOES. If Blackfoot were here, he'd tell you that

Yep, I’ve heard this from W too. It is all BS and a major deflection.

Deflection of WHAT? I think what Cine is trying to say is that people must see a reason to change, you must get W to see your perspective.

I don't find it surprising at ALL that your W finds interactions with you "exhausting". You think you know everything Cobra and not only do you think you know everything, you think you know everything about HER. So then, what is left for her to say? I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just saying that I have felt this from you just from my threads, so I can imagine living with you would be at least the same if not worse. I imagine she's constantly defending and explaining, which on the surface DOES sound like deflection. But the point may be that you think you've got her pegged, when in fact you DON'T and you won't listen to why and where your thinking may have gone wrong. What does Michle say? Start with a beginner's attitude or something? That might behoove you.

It does not matter whether you like my approach or not, as long as it is “fair.”

I suppose it doesn't matter so much that we don't like it, but your W doesn't seem to care for it either and I thought that was ultimately why you were here.

The problem I am having with what everyone here is preaching

You have got to work on the way you come across man. You will never truly reach her if you talk to her the way you talk here.

BTW, it sounds like you pitch in and cook and help her with things often. Does she acknowledge it?