[Over_and_Out]

Mrs. Nop,
IMO... murders and rapists are NOT human... at least in the spiritual sense. These people take pleasure in hurting, humiliating and take anothers life. So I hope to God you are not comparing me to them because I claim to be 'human'. I was not speaking of human in the biological way. I was speaking of 'human' as in spiritually... I am not perfect. I have lapses of judgement. I go through life cycles like every other normal person. I have owned my own behaviour. I have beat myself up. Begged for forgiveness. Bent myself to breaking to make our marriage work.
But I found that the more I did so; the further away my H got from me.

My H made his own mistakes in the past; one far more serious than what I did. And what does he tell me? That I am a bigger person than him. That he guesses that I am more forgiving than him. Bull-hockey.

If they keep bringing it up, how hard is it to say, "yes, i did xyz and I'm sorry that you were hurt by it...

I owned up to my mistake. Swore to him that it would never happen again. That our marriage, our relationship was the most important thing to me.

When it became apparent that my H was NOT going to forgive me (He D'd me) I decided I finally needed to forgive myself. I am not smug about it. I do not think by any means that it is 'gone'. But I will NOT let myself be put on the defensive about it any more.

Cobra's response to folks here now and in the past indicate a short trigger and a massive amount of rage...

I have not read all of Cobra's posts. I think that would take a week. I am responding simply to the issue of standing up for yourself in a relationship. There are all kinds of ways to stand up for yourself. I do not approve of physical abuse. Name calling. Slandering. Or making snide comments with your children in the middle.

From his earlier post though, I got the impression that he was the soother in the past. The de-accelerant that took what his W dished out without hesitation.

I ask you again. How much is one person expected to absorb? I CAN comprehend his anger... I equate it to mine. Life is a continually learning experience. Of course anger is not healthy. Striking back is not healthy or possibly even right.
But noone is perfect. At least I'm not. Sometimes, for a short time, anger is all that sustains you. I do know that when I feel angry I play least in sight. But when someone pushes you... and pushes you... 'adult' is a relative term. and maybe I'm not as together as you or Karen... but damn, I'm 46 years old... I made one stupid mistake; I tripped one time in 25 years... and I get nothing. No understanding. No allowances. Nothing. When I THINK things are going well between us... he hits me upside the head with it again. And yeah. I am starting to get angry.

Karen,
I shouldn't have written 'bite me'. You don't know me. You don't know my sense of humor. Sorry.
As for engaging in verbal battles. Well for the last 25 years there have been far and few between. My XH has told me that when I give him attitude back now... he actually likes it. It lets him know that I don't like the way he is treating me. And like the old line '... and I'm not going to take it anymore!'
As for fixing my R with him... that could have and still will only come from him. I was/am there. I was/am trying. I was/am willing to do ANYTHING. It didn't/doesn't matter.

I think you both misunderstand what I was saying to Cobra. I was simply saying that I understand ... I understand what it feels like to get walked on... I understand what it feels like to have that overwhelming desire to strike back... doesn't mean I give blanket approval of all the things he does!

I think Cobra is looking for some understanding. A pat on the shoulder, a hug that says... I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. Not the go ahead to act like a 'd!ckhead'!