You questions are too black and white. The answer you want to hear is that I should want to be happy, not right, married, not divorced, to have happy kids, respect myself.
First, I cannot be happy knowing that I have to bend to my wife each time an issue comes up. There is a happy median, but to feel I am rarely if ever “right,” that my wishes do not get consideration, is to recommend that I go back to walking on eggshells. I won’t do that.
Marriage under too much control by the spouse is not a marriage. BTDT and won’t do it again. Divorce is preferable.
Children who grow up without confidence and self assuredness cannot revel in their own accomplishments, especially if they are too easily intimidated by others. This was the case a few years ago with our kids. They were too easily pushed around and shamed by the more aggressive kids. I am happy to say that I do not see this occurring any more. I believe TKD has played a major role in this. Over the past year I have backed WAY off TKD. The kids only go once a week, and often miss that for school tests or other events. But at some point they MUST take the belt test to keep moving forward, as slow as the pace may be. Your concerns are exaggerated.
I do not feel disrespect toward myself for standing up to what I feel is over-control and bullying from my wife. I do not act so aggressively unless I have been first attacked. But when attacked, I will defend myself and fight back. So while cursing may not be the best tactic, I actually feel good about standing up for myself. I have no regrets. A zinger is irrelevant for me.
I do believe that what I am doing is moving us closer to my longer term goal. It may be that this goal cannot exist between my W and I, but I do not know that. Overall, I think things have dramatically improved over the past year. I do not even see this latest fight as a step backwards, but just opening the door to the next phase of working thorough our issues. Each step in the past has required this level of confrontation to clear issues and come to a new understanding. Each time the relationship has improved because of it. Perhaps you have the wrong image of my wife in mind if you cannot see this.
At one point our first counselor was wondering if W was a borderline personality. That was an early guess and one that is wrong, but she had plenty of reason to suspect such. Since then, W has toned down and become less reactive. But incidents like S9’s earache will still set her off and she brings out those panic, survival behaviors. Then I go into fight mode as well. That seems to be the only thing to stop her and not allow her to reinforced her behavior.
