[Cobra]

Just a short conversation with W this morning before leaving for work… I asked if she had thought things over, she said yes, and that we could talk this weekend. She said she sees the problem as the following:

• I am “high maintenance”
• She is too busy trying to keep up with her new class
• She is ADD and has problems organizing and that takes much of her time with her class
• She thinks I believe I know everything regarding relationships and she does not like to be told what’s wrong with her

The fact that she could put forth a list of issues rather than just focus on the fight itself is a good sign, IMO, because it tells me she is trying to look deeper. I think she sees the fight as a symptom and not the problem itself. I did tell her during the fight that if I was upset it was for good reason and she should try to understand those reasons and what role she played in them. AS I think about her points, I see that they all dance around the problem of establishing vulnerability between us. The core problems as she sees them are because of me, her ADD or some other outside factor. None of these is the real problem, IMO. Our counselor sees this quite clearly too, has been trying to get through to W on this, but has been met with the very same resistance and types of excuses that I get.

The implication I read out of her comments today is that I am asking for too much and I am too insecure. She is once again feeling overwhelmed and engulfed. I told her that Harley recommends 15 hours per week together, to which she replied that she could not do that because of her job. I told her that Harley recommends finding a new job, but of course that fell on deaf ears.

I think she has been focusing on work to keep an escape hatch open from the marriage. This is her issue and one I discussed before. It is also an escape I want her to close. Our counselor and I believe W is desperately trying to avoid her loss issues, and all these defenses are consistent in that way. Between the counselor (the child/family counselor) and her mother (the marriage counselor), they have spent a total of 3 years of nearly continuous counseling getting to know W and myself individually and as a couple. I do not think there is much hidden that they cannot see in either of us and I do not think they are looking through any rose colored glasses.

I might add that W’s agreement to clean up her stuff is not new. I have been complaining about the mess in the house for the past FULL YEAR. She did clean a lot of it up a few months ago, taking some things up to school. But then she just starts building a new pile in those tempting open spaces again.

So everyone wants to hear what is wrong with Cobra. I’ll tell you what is wrong. I have been too weak in not enforcing stronger boundaries over the past year. I should not have allowed W to build piles of paper on the kitchen counters, baskets and piles of school supplies and materials in the dining room, the computer room, the living room and around the perimeter of our bedroom.

Perhaps I should not have concerned myself with her problems in getting started as a new teacher. Maybe I should have just thrown stuff out when it became unbearable. But I didn’t. I understand where she is coming from and I am willing to tolerate a certain transition period. She gets very upset when anyone touches her stuff and she cannot find anything. So I go along with her requests, but get angry when the mess never goes away. I get angry with myself for continuing not to stand up to her and having to endure the mess and her continually putting her focus on only her and not the family.

I expect her to put her consideration of the family first. Even though she may have to spend a lot of time on her work, I told her several times that I could accept that if she would just tell me and the kids that she is sorry for the limited time she can devote and that she at least wishes she could spend more time with the family. As it is, she comes off as feeing entitled to abandon the family to pursue her own goals. We should all make this sacrifice for her. Well, what if WE don’t like this?

I also should not have been so sensitive to her throwing her stress and anger onto me because S9 had an earache. I should not feel betrayed each time she turns on me, when I think things have been going well, and feel that all the previous buildup of good will was not honest. Those are my issues. I need to trust that she does not trust and find a way to live with that (yeah, right!) I need to ratchet down my expectations of what to expect from a marriage (yeah, right again!) I need to learn to live with less sex and intimacy (one more time!)


Lil,

I agree with your parenthetical remark that nothing will happen if there are no displays of anger. I have never known her to make changes simply because I asked for them. She might do so for the kids, but my requests are always impositions and there are always plenty of reasons why she can’t comply. The only way I have ever moved this relationship forward is by pushing very hard for what I want and what I believe the marriage needs.

Other threads have mentioned the complaints and gripes that come from the spouse as s/he complies to new requests, but in those situations I understand the spouse is complying. My W does not comply unless she HAS to comply. If it is only a matter of choice with no consequences involved, she will make the choice easiest for her. That may or may not be the same choice as what I would like or ask for. I don’t have much problem if she changes and just gripes about it. But she tends to make the change, feeling she is under duress, not complain, and let the resentment build, then hold it against me later. This is where the feeling of betrayal comes in.

The real problem is that I do not think she has ever had a concept of the married couple, in which sacrifices are made by each person for the good of the unit. That is a very vulnerable position. She absolutely cannot and will not put herself in that position. She sees all sacrifices in a marriage as being made by the woman, for the benefit of the man, and therefore the system is oppressive.

In turn, I can also see her viewpoint is influenced by her martyrdom in that she cannot bring herself to accept any benefits that might come her way from the marriage. That would make her feel beholding to me. If those benefits come from others, like her friends or family, then she can accept them without feeling that there are strings attached. Not being able to


Cally,

Again, you jump to conclusions and again, you are wrong. The TKD belt test is not a very intensive process. S9 had been going to school all week, playing with friends, taking the dog out for runs, so I thought he should not have any problem with the test (this was not a tournament as Mojo stated). I did think he might get tired, since all the kids are out of shape right now. S9 missed the belt test in May because he came down with a virus. The next test will be in November. There is a waiting period between brown belt and black. I want to keep him up with D15 and myself.

D13 is fully aware of my rule they all attend TKD until they achieve black belt, and she made the decision to drop out. So there will be consequences, though I don’t know what just yet.

As for the rest of your commentary, its just a load of BS!


GEL,

S9 did tell me later that his ear hurt before we left, but he said it did not hurt very much. Only after the bulk of the test was over, during a break while the board breaking was starting up, did her tell me his ear was starting to hurt and hurt bad. Had his ear hurt like this before, I would have delayed the test. As for your issues with me “forcing” the kids to take TKD, well, its just your issue. I have my reason for them getting their black belts. There is a lot more to it than just learning forms or doing kicks. I have discussed it at length with the counselor and she agrees that the kids should continue. You keep wanting to see this in an extreme light, but the principles I want to teach fall more in line with most parents making their kids attend church. And so in that way, it is very much worth it to me. When the kids get older, they will understand it is worth it for them. D15 is beginning to understand this now. In short, I believe in TDK classes for the kids. It is one of my values. I am sticking with it.


What Is Life,

Thank you for understanding my sitch. With the exception of Hairdog, I am not sure who else here (maybe Lou to an extent) is fighting the same battle. That is why I do what I believe I must do, try to learn as much as I can to be sure I am not taking the wrong path, and stick to my beliefs regardless of what he consensus says. My life would be much easier if I had a wife closer to the “consensus.”