Well hey there Cobra... I think I'm going to take a different tactic here...
Quote: For the longest time I tried to keep the disputes down. She would escalate, make threats and ultimatums and I would back down. Little by little I felt that she came to control everything in the relationship. When we first started counseling, I learned how much I had been walking on eggshells,
I empathize... I sympathize... all that... and i agree. Either way none of that (backing down, Placating, being the peace-keeper) works. And I think you are right. My H... well XH only pays attention when I fight fire with fire. Absolutely, it makes a bigger flame (I DO keep those angry-just-want-to-wound comments out of it) bigger yes, hotter, yes... but then the issue is exposed faster.
Name calling I realize is 'supposed' to be off limits. Labeling a person/your mate should not be done. So I agree with it on a higher level. BUT, IMO, you can 'label' their actions, attitude, attack. Instead of 'you're a f-ing d!ickhead'... I go for 'you're ACTING like a f-ing d!ickhead' Then it's up to him if he keeps behaving in the prescribed way.
Like you Cobra, I am tired of getting beat up and just rolling with the punches. (Did that for a year now... yak!)It doesn't, no way, no how, work! Standing up for yourself, making your partner feel their blows snapping back at them is something they SHOULD feel. Otherwise... what? They have no respect for you. They take it all for the status quo... you roll over and take it... you accept dig after dig, emotional slap after emotional slap... and in their mind, you're at their mercy and everything as it should be.
NO. NO. NO. Grabbing that wheel and twisting it out of their hands, taking your rightful portion of control is essential to the balance of a relationship. And yeah, it would just be hunky-dory if that balance could be established with sweet-talk and compromise... (and it would also be great if french-fries and donuts were considered health food)... the problem is, some people are selfish and stubborn and UNFORGIVING... and there is NO OTHER WAY to get through to them!
Frankly, this enmeshment issue confuses me. How can you love someone, want to hang-in-there with someone and not be enmeshed with them? Wouldn't de-enmeshment disconnect you from them? Separate your emotions from them? And if that is true... how is that going to help you get through the rough-and-tumble bouts in a marriage? I mean, yeah, being enmeshed with someone opens you up for pain... but then life is pain sometimes, life is an inky darkness sometimes, but life is also joy, life is hope, and life is a light to rival the sun at times.
I say that you should react how you feel, Cobra. I say you should not have to bottle up what you want to say because it's going to 'piss her off'. As long as it's honest. as long as it isn't simply devised to injure and insult. Obviously your W doesn't feel the need to spare you. Maybe she needs to know that what's good for the goose is good for the gander??
Take this for whatever you want. But it's taken me a while to get to the point where you are. For me, I fight the urge to be the peace-maker, the soother. I have realized that since my H divorced me, all the soothing and pacifing didn't accomplish a damn thing. It only made me feel bad about myself. As everyone on here knows, very well, we only have power over ourselves. How we react. How we relate. That is up to you alone. The other person in your R... well, their actions/behaviors... that is up to them.
