[heatherg]

Now the obvious answer is why not just tell her about these things. She has always been very defensive on being told anything.

I didn't see where she got defensive when you told her how good it felt to be with her. In fact, from what you relayed here, she listened and she HEARD you. She processed what you said and contributed to the exchange by telling you that she didn't realize you had feelings like that. That's not defensive is it?

So then, perhpas it's *how* you tell her, not that you tell her.

Cobra, I stopped calling my H names over a year ago. If I can do it, surely you can as well. He'll still tell me from time to time that I am stupid or crazy or something equally rude. But you know what I've found? That by changing my behavior, it makes it sound all the more horrible when he does it and I know it sounds horrible in his ears too because he does it far less than he used to.

Because of my own situation, I was particularly sensitive to the part where the kids were trying to follow the instructions their mother had given them and you proceeded to tell them they shouldn't rush around trying to avoid making her mad. All I can do is shake my head at this honestly. You completely undermined your wife's parental authority and confused their kids, which really just detracts from their trust in YOU. To the contrary, in my opinion, kids should do just that. When they are told to do something, they should get it done ASAP because they know the parents will follow through with the consequences if they don't. That is authority and that is good to have as your kids approach their teenage years.

Ok, so wife had her stuff strewn about as well. You pointed it out and she agreed to pick it up. But that should be between the two of you and in no way should impact her right to tell her children to pick up *their* things. I agree that setting a good example is important and that is something you two should discuss as adults, out of earshot of your kids. But it doesn't diminish your childrens' responsibility. You know the typical response parents give when children try to pull that card "Yeah, but you do it all the time" and the parents say "Well, when you start paying the mortgage around here then you can have some additional input into the matter. Until then, this is our house and these are our rules and you need to follow them." The thing is, in this case, your kids didn't even have to pull that card because you did it for them. Not good.

If you don't love your W and you are staying with her for the benefit of the kids, then perhaps you might want to take the focus of the M for a while and put your efforts into co parenting/family interactions.