Depressed. W is out of town...went to spend the week with an old friend...to supposedly clear her head but more likely to party every night. Actually had a very fun day yesterday...just me and S3 hanging out and visiting some friends. This morning though a few things threw me for a loop.
Really trying to detach. Finding it so hard...because even after everything that has went on and all I know I still have very strong feelings for the W. We went to a concert Friday...and had a great time together. I really feel like if I DB-ed up a storm and really worked on myself eventually she would come back to me and I could have her back...the problem is now I do not feel like I want her back. I just feel like there is too much damage, I don't think that I could ever get past what happenned. How could I ever trust her again? It is like part of me wants to try because of S3 because I think it would be best for him...but part of me is so afraid that even if eventually we get past this that it will likely just happen again and I do not want to go through this pain again.
I started seeing a counselor by myself and she is pushing me towards detaching/divorcing/setting clear boundries etc...for my own sanity. W is still saying she is not even thinking about divorce...told her she probably should start considering it because that is likely where we are headed once she leaves. It is so odd to me that she is so blinded that she can't see things at least a little clearer...most times she does not even understand why I am upset.
Took my son to day care for the first time this morning and he is not happy about it...asked about his mommy...do not even know what to tell him? Breaks my heart and makes me so angry to leave him there with him in tears and know the W is doing this to him and me. I hope it will get easier when she moves out...I think it will be easier to start letting go with her out of the picture most days...problem is she still plans on being around 3-4 days a week to see S3 and just visit with me. It would be easier if I did not have to see her at all...I need to get to the point where I just see W as a friend and nothing else...it is going to take some time.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
