Having a rough morning...so scared that my marriage is over and she is going to choose to move out. Even if she chooses to stay we have so much work in front of us. Tomorrow will be the big decision. I am going to be devastated if she chooses OM over me...at least she seems to be taking it seriously and I think she knows if she does choose to stay she has to really cut him out of her life. She is really struggling even more than me...because either choice she makes she is giving up a lot and she knows she will be in a great amount of pain.
She really does not want to make a choice...she told me yesterday I screwed up when I first found out about the affair and I was forcing her to stop seeing him that I should have continued to force her to stop...cause now she is even more attached to him...DOH! She kind of tricked me into letting her see more of him saying they would just be friends and she was so depressed and crying all of the time I gave in. I am kind of beating myself up about letting her take him back into her life...but then again I am not as I am sure she was still keeping in contact with him through email/IM and would have tried to secretly keep it alive. This time it does feel different because I am letting her make the choice and she does seem serious about making a choice and sticking with it. She is finally acknowledging that her real choice is between OM and Me...before she said OM was not really important and she just wanted her freedom...while she does want freedom the real pain in the decision is all about the OM.
I have been so non-DB this week I am not sure I am doing the right thing. We have relationship talked a lot...I have been pathetic at times...strong at other times. I have no idea which choice she is going to make...her mind changes every hour...I feel like I should make some grand gesture but at this point it would feel false and might push her away...I am just trying to be supportive and reassure her if she does choose to stay things can be different/better.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
