More talking today...IM all morning. She is so torn on what to do. When she is with OM and his friends she feels happy and care free...they all have big problems...alcoholics...family issues...drugs...financial issues...but they feel happy drowning their sorrows together. Misery loves company. That temporary relief from all of her problems draws her like a fly to sh!t.
She is afraid to leave me but feels like she failed in our marriage and she does not think she is strong enough if she stays not to stray again. She sees only unhappiness if we stay together. Has no confidence that we can ever work on our marriage and that she would ever be happy again. Says she no longer deserves to be married and that I do not desearve what she is putting me through.
Tears me up that I cannot seem to help her or solve her problems. I just listen and tell her I understand. She took this path and unfortunately it is masking her pain for now and she refuses to leave the path. What I wish I could convey to her is that this path leads nowhere but to more problems...substance abuse...health problems...abusive relationships...eventually it will get old and there will nothing or no one left that cares in the end and the same depression and self esteem issues will still be there along with many regrets and destruction in her path. Right now she is young and beautiful...as her beauty fades so will the attention...the alcohol, drugs, late nights, promiscuous sex, and hard living will hasten that change. It is a fantasy world.
Part of me so wants to give up and say "fine do it" and watch her go down this dead end...5-10 years from now I know I will be happy and I would guess she will have a pathetically bad life and be even more unhappy...the fantasy world will have collapsed. The problem is she is the mother of my child and I do love her and I want to protect her. I wish I could get her to just give it a chance and stop for awhile to take a few breaths and maybe get into individual counseling to start working on herself.
D day is Thursday evening...she must make a decision...I still feel it is right to force her to make a decision...I can't live in a relationship like this...she was out all night last night and I barely slept...
I either want her to commit or her to leave...I don't care which at this point. As long as she lets me keep my son I will not fight her decision...I refuse to subject my son to her new lifestyle. She is already dragging him around to rendevous in the middle of the night...it will only get worse once she has her own place and a group of degenerate friends coming in and out. I will not have my son in that atmosphere.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
