Sunday turned out nice...more than anything I think I expended so much emotion on Saturday that I was just numb all sunday...had nothing left to give. Had a little relationship talk Sunday night that was calm and painless...she reiterated her intention to make the marriage work and wanting to stay...which was nice.
I feel like I am starting to understand my wife more and understand why she needs what she needs. I think she has very poor self esteem and all her life she has had a lot of male friends. The recent OM was her first PA since we have been married but she probably carries on an EA with most of her male friends. It makes her feel good about herself to have other men flirt with her and find her attractive. It is like she needs this in her life to feel good about herself. She has always needed approval from other people in everything she does or she becomes depressed. She does go out of her way to do nice things for other people just so she can get positive feedback. I try to fill that role but I think I am simply not enough...she knows I love her but she needs more than just me. In fact sometimes she gets mad at me telling me I put her up on a pedastel and am too loving. Not sure how to solve this problem...maybe if she went to T on her own she could start to work on this issue. She really needs to accept herself for who she is and love herself.
Since everything has been exposed wife refuses to be naked around me...this was never a problem before? We had talked about it and she said she did not know why this is the case. Well yesterday she said she had been thinking about it a lot and said she just feels unattractive in front of me and is embarrassed...not sure what to think of this? Assurred her that I do find her very attractive...she is very beautiful and I tell her all of the time...the only thing I could think of is maybe she feels guilty for what happenned but she did not think that was the case.
Well the one good thing about having the MIL in town is she cannot see OM this week. Our week and weekend are booked with together activities. She also said she knows it hurts me when she sees OM and she is going to make an effort to see less of him and thought this week would be a good start for her withdrawing from him. She did meet two new male friends this weekend and is already carrying on IMs and emails with them...ugggh...I wish she could get along with other women and meet other women...guy friends have always been a problem for me since my first W cheated on me multiple times. I think it might be easier once I feel like we are in love again and acting normal but for now...it is difficult.
My goal this week is NO episodes...I want this week and weekend to be easy and trouble free. I think I should be alright as the only thing that really seems to set me off is visits with OM and I know she cannot do that. I am believing her that the PA is over but it is still hard for to accept when she spends time with him.
Looks for a new MC...as I still think we need to do this...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
