I am not so convinced that the MC is a bad idea for you as a couple. First, her being willing to go shows some connection to the R, whether her beliefs about ithe "problems" mesh with yours or not. What about getting the MC to talk about what you two can do to get closer. I know the OM is certainly a huge obstacle to be overcome but she's not saying it can't be done. She clearly told you that you can still be her "drug" of choice (as bad a comparison as that is) so why shut her out of MC? She's not saying what you want to hear but so what? It's early in the game. If she's blaming you, rather than arguing maybe just tell her how hard it must be for her to have those feelings towards you or something like that. Validate her feelings, you don't have to agree with them. But that is what she feels. As you said you can't convince her she's wrong. I think if she's going to trash your M she will do so whether you are in or out of MC. I would prefer to be using every resource possible here. But, just my humble opinion.
I really have enjoyed MC because it has forced us to talk about things. On our own that seems nearly impossible or counterproductive when it does happen. I find it very comfortable to have a third party to inject some wisdom. She also seems more willing to talk in the MC setting.
Ideally I would like to do counseling once a week and do all of our relationship discussions in that setting...the rest of the week I can DB, work on myself, and hopefully have a good environment for us to get along and reconnect. Without the MC part I don't think I would feel like I am making much progress.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
whatisis...Believe me I am validating validating validating right now...I like the results...it has brought her to the table. Any differences in opinion I have I am keeping to myself (I certainly did not used to do this).
Not sure if you caught my first post this morning but the problem is our MC refuses to work with us at all until W cuts off all contact with OM. W says that is not going to happen. So basically our choices now are find a different MC...or do counseling sessions independantly to work on ourselves outside of the marriage.
If we do go the other MC route do we bring up the continued EA and see if the new MC will work with us or just figure the A is over and just work on our marriage/communication/whatever else you do in MC.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
The drug analogy is a very common one, and I think it could work to your benefit here. If your W is already looking to substitute for her current drug of choice, the next step would be for her to go through withdrawal from the one she's on to prepare herself for the better one that's coming. . .
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Good to hear the validating is working. It seems so simple in way, doesn't it, but its kind of the last thing we think of! Sorry I must have missed your post this morning. I find myself really annoyed with a MC who refuses to work with you unless...What if your W wasn't in an A but had the hots for some other guy, would the MC refuse to work with you guys until she stopped having those feelings? What garbage. Find a MC that is willing to work with what you got. To do so also shows your committment to continuing the work and your M. DB'ing is all about doing the impossible, isn't it. Me to your MC: "If people have the courage to come and see you, then help them for F*** sakes." Sorry, it just pisses me off! P.S. I love your withdrawl comment, Muddle
Had a terrible day today. I broke down...everything seems so hard. W was headed out with OM this evening and it was on my mind all day...I finally lost it basically as she was leaving which was the last thing I wanted to do. Now she leaves the house seeing me pathetic...upset herself because she sees how depressed I am...heading to a night out with OM who is going to make her feel happy. Last flippin thing I wanted to do. It seems I can't help sabotaging myself and this relationship.
Now I have to go to the flippin train station to pick up my MIL...and have to face her for the evening while W is out with her boyfriend. JOY!
I feel like I need to leave for a few days...just remove myself from the situation to clear my head.
The sad thing is I can tell the W really does want to stay married and just needs me to be strong and provide a positive atmosphere and I think we could sort through things. Problem is I am having a hell of a time doing that for any extended time. Last night we had a great time...though as good as time as we were having I felt even more depressed at the thought of losing everything...it was like this is what I am fighting for...my son...my wife...our lives together...and it feels like I am losing the battle.
I need to be able to escape when I am feeling this down...get away before I start dumping on her...
Oh well...another day...it was a bad day but tomorrow will be better.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
SRT, My heart goes out to you. I remember when my W first told me she didn't love me anymore and an hour later I had to go to a kids birthday party for the afternoon. Fun, Wow! We go through these days and it saddens me that we feel we can't be normal human beings and cry our hearts out. That "breakdown" you had is but a healthy persons response to a hurtful and insane situation. In the big picture it means s*** so don't beat yourself up. Your W won't walk cuz you fell apart once. Take care of you right now as best you can, as you say, tomorrow is a new day. My W's about to head out for her weekly rendevous too, you aren't alone on this one, guy!
whatisis...Thanks for the support...sorry to hear you are in the same situation tonight...
I am still having a rough night...MIL is here all week and I really need to pretend everything is just perfect...going to be very difficult...but I think I can do it...
I really feel like I need to get away to be alone for awhile...I can't be in this situation every day...I am considering moving out for awhile...I don't know if it is the right thing to do but I feel I need some time alone...I really need to think about things and be away from the wife for awhile...probably just a week and I would still visit but I need some seperation...I also want her to be alone so she can wonder where I am or just spend some time thinking about what she wants without me here...with me constantly around her I just do not feel I can think straight...I feel out of control...
This is where we stand...wife wants to work on marriage but what she really wants is to have total freedom. So she is willing to stay married and work on us but she wants to go out and do as she pleases. I think she would avoid physical affairs from this point forward but still wants to be friends with OM and see him when she pleases...really I think S3 and financial stability are what is holding her here...basically she is trying to have the best of both worlds and I don't think I can live like that...at least not for very long...I am kind of sick of being the door mat...I feel like I need to shock the situation a little. If she would give me primary custody of S3 I might consider just getting a D....I don't know...that is why I need to get away for awhile...I need space to think...
It is so difficult...I love my wife dearly...she is beautiful...I like her...I love her...my family loves her....but it is like I am a flippin good catch too...I make a lot of money...I am athletic...not bad looking...I could pretty much have my pick of women...and I could find a wife that loves me for who I am...yet I do not want to give up...just hate being in this situation...
lil drunk tonight...numbing the pain...so rambling a bit...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Trust me, we all go through those periods where we feel we can't go on. I often think that if I was not here my W would have to deal with the real world for a change and not the fantasy one she has built for herself. You must detach! Simple as that. Not necessarilly physically but emoytionally. I found GAL to be my lifejacket. I could still feel good about me. Find things to do that give that to you. Learn something new. If you need a weekend away tell your W you are doing so, she doesn't have to know why. BUT, remember if you leave for any period of time without a Separation agreement in place you are leaving yourself open to problems re: custody. I know you don't believe your W would ever do anything to endanger access etc. but did you ever believe she would be unfaithful? Cover your a** as you take care of you. Wow, and your MIL thrown in to! Sounds painful. P.S. Remember the waves, they come and they go. Our emotions are like that too. Hang in, guy!
Sunday turned out nice...more than anything I think I expended so much emotion on Saturday that I was just numb all sunday...had nothing left to give. Had a little relationship talk Sunday night that was calm and painless...she reiterated her intention to make the marriage work and wanting to stay...which was nice.
I feel like I am starting to understand my wife more and understand why she needs what she needs. I think she has very poor self esteem and all her life she has had a lot of male friends. The recent OM was her first PA since we have been married but she probably carries on an EA with most of her male friends. It makes her feel good about herself to have other men flirt with her and find her attractive. It is like she needs this in her life to feel good about herself. She has always needed approval from other people in everything she does or she becomes depressed. She does go out of her way to do nice things for other people just so she can get positive feedback. I try to fill that role but I think I am simply not enough...she knows I love her but she needs more than just me. In fact sometimes she gets mad at me telling me I put her up on a pedastel and am too loving. Not sure how to solve this problem...maybe if she went to T on her own she could start to work on this issue. She really needs to accept herself for who she is and love herself.
Since everything has been exposed wife refuses to be naked around me...this was never a problem before? We had talked about it and she said she did not know why this is the case. Well yesterday she said she had been thinking about it a lot and said she just feels unattractive in front of me and is embarrassed...not sure what to think of this? Assurred her that I do find her very attractive...she is very beautiful and I tell her all of the time...the only thing I could think of is maybe she feels guilty for what happenned but she did not think that was the case.
Well the one good thing about having the MIL in town is she cannot see OM this week. Our week and weekend are booked with together activities. She also said she knows it hurts me when she sees OM and she is going to make an effort to see less of him and thought this week would be a good start for her withdrawing from him. She did meet two new male friends this weekend and is already carrying on IMs and emails with them...ugggh...I wish she could get along with other women and meet other women...guy friends have always been a problem for me since my first W cheated on me multiple times. I think it might be easier once I feel like we are in love again and acting normal but for now...it is difficult.
My goal this week is NO episodes...I want this week and weekend to be easy and trouble free. I think I should be alright as the only thing that really seems to set me off is visits with OM and I know she cannot do that. I am believing her that the PA is over but it is still hard for to accept when she spends time with him.
Looks for a new MC...as I still think we need to do this...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
