My Story - Looking for help and support

[SRTogacihC]

Well things still in limbo land...ups and downs...

This weekend...Friday we just hung out and got a little drunk and watched sex in the city DVDs in our bedroom...probably something I would have never done before this...no relationship talk...no talk at all really...tried to start some harmless conversation but W was to into the show...I really wish we could get to the point where we could just talk about nothing as friends...one of my near goals is to just get her comfortable talking about anything again...problem is I still R talk way too much...very hard for me when that is really the only thing on my mind 24x7. I understand I really need to pick up my spirits and present a more positive upbeat exterior...but is that difficult.

Saturday with her encouragement I went out for the night with my brother and some of his friends...I did have a really good time most of the night...but obviously everything was still weighing heavily on my mind...then finally talked to W late at night and she told me she went out to dinner with OM cause she could not find anyone else to hang out with...took S3 along and I was really drunk at the time and I really wanted to go off...I basically ended the conversation with I do not approve of you going out with him with S3...this just really hit me hard to think of my son in OM company...

Well I spent the night at a friends house which was the plan from the start because we all had planned to get wrecked and it was like a 2 hour drive...gave me enough time to cool down but it was a long sometimes sleepless night...

Sunday/today...we just kind of hung out all day...did some yard work...napped...I do not think I presented myself well...W could see I was depressed...I just do not know how to snap out of this...my W has been my best friend for 8 years...now I know she already has one foot out the door...her new stance is she want to continue living together and raising our son but basically wants to cohabitate and live separate lives when she feels the need...while this is probably for the best for raising our son and financially and maybe even gives me the best chance to win her back in the long run...it makes it very very hard for me in the short term when she decides it is time to go out with OM and makes me so curious as to what is going on and I am constantly on the edge of wanting to go back to PI mode...at least she still wants to continue marriage counseling and also is considering seeing another counselor on her own (which would really make me happy).

One bad incident...is Thursday after she bolted after counseling to OM I was flipping out...she did not say much when she left other than she was out of here so she left me in an empty house in a bad state...well I went on a search and destroy mission and found a journal she had started...only had 2 pages...and what I read was some negative some positive...basically what I knew already she is confused...on one hand she wants to do this on the other that...but she figured out I had saw it and asked me if I had found it...I admitted that yes I had found it and explained the circumstances...she was not overly upset but I felt like a jerk...and I hate that I found it...I really need to find a solution so she can have the space to journal and no matter what state I am in I can't get to it...I know I need to give her space/privacy but it is awful hard when things get really low. Might get her a safe or something where she can lock something up...wish I did not have to resort to that but it is the only way I can trust myself not to pry.

Finally got the DB book...about a 1/4 of the way done...some of the stuff really hit home...my W definitely gave up a while back without me realizing...now just need to figure out how to let me back in and start working on us...

W seems to have caught a cold this evening so tomorrow should be a boring day...supposed to go to my sisters for a party but doubt she will go if she is this sick.

One day at a time...time to go read for awhile and then hit the bed...