Me 37 - W 31 - S 3 We have been married for 6 years.
I think we have a lot of positives in our marriage but obviously I am here and we took a big turn for the worse. Definitely have had some communication problems. Typical stuff from what I have read. W was unhappy about a lot of things, complained a lot and I probably withdrew more and made it worse. Really changed when our S was born and W quit her job to be a stay at home mom. She felt I did not do my fair share and I think she got bored and missed the adult contact from her job. Eventually she came upon a new circle of friends and she found some things she was missing in her life...she never really had a lot of freedom in her life and had not really had any time on her own. So going out and partying was new and exciting for her and she loved it...I am at a different stage as I had my fill of that stuff and it does not do much for me anymore. Frankly I was happy that she had some new GFs and she was happy about getting some social time on her own...she really did not want me involved with that very often and I usually had to watch my son during that time anyway.
Well this is where it went downhill. She started going out much more often with her girlfriends and eventually found the OM. She had ~1 month relationship before he broke it off to go back to his GF. She continued to pursue and eventually OM left his GF to be with my W. I had immediately noticed the changes and had suspected something was wrong...and probably had a terrible reaction of smothering her and trying to make other changes to win her back. I did not have proof of the OM until last week when I intercepted some email communications the day after I had told her of my fears that she was in another relationship. The emails I intercepted really crushed me because there were a ton of negatives about me and I felt very used and betrayed. The circle of bold face lies and betrayals to try to rescue the A really hurt me. It seems to me she was going to be a WAW sooner or later but was just biding her time because we are pretty well off financially and she has other things on her plate that she would lose if she walked away now (school, my family support, etc...)
Well now that the affair was exposed my first reaction was to demand a divorce and that I wanted her out (not that I really want that)...I do love her dearly. I forced her to end the affair and I believe she has for now. I don't think the OM meant much to her accept it made her feel good and alive...the OM is kind of a loser and is younger than her but I think she loved the feeling of new love and having someone fill her emotional needs. Made her feel young and beautiful. She says she never wanted to be with him longterm or anything but enjoyed his company and his personality. I am not sure I was right to end the A like I did? I feel like I probably have forced her in a corner.
Well in the past week I have been very pathetic...begging...pleading...crying...smothering... following...jealous...pushing...you know all of the above. There is definitely a new barrier between us. She is still at home and says she just wants us to act like normal as if nothing happenned so we can get on with our lives. This is nearly impossible for me right now. Though I did a lot of thinking last night and after reading on here I am done with my self pity and will start working on myself and give her some space.
She does seem to want to work on the marriage and does show some affection. I think she does have some signs of a WAW she has told me she loves me but is not in love with me, she is still very angry for the past few years and lack of emotional support, she was very angry about me finding out about the A and the methods I used to expose it (stealing passwords, looking through temp files, scouring cellular records, final straw finding panties with male semen), she is angry that I forced the A to end but on the other hand I think she kind of agrees it has to if we are going to reconcile. She says what she really wants is to be out on her own and to live her own life. This is harder to do than to say with a 3 year old son and she has no job and is just about a year through college to become a nurse.
It is very hard to get her to talk about anything so I have made the conscious decision to now back off. She has agreed to marriage counseling...we start next week. She says she will talk during the counseling.
I guess I am better off than most stories I have read on here as she seems willing to work on things. But still seems like a big uphill battle. It is still hard for me because I have been pretty successful in everything I have done in life (except marriage...this is my 2nd and the first ended very similarly)...so I want to jump right in and force issues and start working on things.
I love her dearly and feel so bad that I have let the marriage get to this unhappy state. I just ordered DB and am looking forward to reading it and learning.
Some things I am having a hard time dealing with is that as long as I keep things light she seems pretty happy and receptive and loving but to me it still seems like an act by her and I do not trust her. I feel if we did not have our S and she was in more of a position to move out she would be gone. Since these things are forcing her to stay I am at least hoping I can use this time to try and work on us/me.
So that is my plan right now is to back off...start reading like a madman. I want her back...I do not want to live in a loveless marriage...I want to feel loved again...I have hated my life these last six months when I felt she had basically given up on me and really shut me out.
Do you think I have any hope? What should be my next step? Any suggestions would be very welcome.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
