Quote: HE couldn't hurt me any more. He couldn't come crawling back . . . show me SOME teeny little forward motion . . . and then walk again. I could just move on.
Emily, you know that Kevin is going to be in your life forever, because he is the father of your kids. How could your filing a legal document keep him from hurting you in the future? I know that you are not stupid enough to really believe that he couldn't hurt you if you file for D. Don't you know people who fight with their ex-spouses years later? I do. The way you are going right now, Kevin is going to hurt you for the rest of your life, because you are continuing to choose the life of a victim instead of taking control of your emotions.
Quote: LET ME MAKE SOMETHING PERFECTLY CLEAR TO YOU RB . . . PAINFULLY CLEAR I HOPE! I NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER WANT ANOTHER ANYONE IN LIFE. I NEVER WANT ANOTHER MAN. Ya know what? I Don't give a f- about ever having another man in my life. As a matter of fact if I get divorced . . . I hope no man EVER talks to me again.
Emily, you know that's a load of BS. It was only about a week ago that you were talking about how your sex drive is so strong and how desperate you were to get some. Stop lying, Emily ... it makes it hard to feel sorry for you.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I just woke up . . . I feel like I was having a nightmare. I dreamt that I even thought of letting my unworthy H have my babies? What am I crazy . .
Thanks to David Draiman and a little Disturbed. . . Let me just share some of the songs . .
Quote: Guarding yourself from the love of another Left you with nothing tonight Why does it sound like the devil is laughing Leaving me haunted tonight You did decide
Now I want you, when you're gone, and now it's like You're holding something just in front of me Well then, I can't allow this to become another One of those times that I'm left in the cold, dead There's no compromise Just another tie I know I need to sever Guarding yourself from the love of another Left you with nothing tonight Why does it sound like the devil is laughing Leaving me haunted tonight You did decide
Ever haunted, by the trappings of this life Sweet redemption, just in front of me Well now, it seems once again that I've lost another One of the one's that have broke through the wall Damned Fate won't compromise I have sold my soul, And now the devil's laughing You did decide You were bold and strong, and ready to begin your life All for nothing, you were sacrificed You began alone, and so it will be when you die All for nothing, will you be remembered? You did decide
Guarding yourself from the love of another Left you with nothing tonight So now you know why the devil is laughing He left you with nothing tonight You did decide
Just shut up RB. . . I mean what I said! Yeah a couple of weeks ago I did say that. But ya know what? It's NOT everything. It (sex) will NOT controll my life. If this is the pain that comes with closeness . . then guess what? I never want it again
and by the way . . I NEVER asked you to feel sorry for me. Don't . . . pity is NOT what I want . . .
Now then . . Here's the other song . .
Quote: You walk on like a woman in suffering Won't even bother now to tell me why You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment Leaving me broken another time You come on like a bloodstained hurricane Leave me alone, let me be this time You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption I don't want to mention, the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know That I am crippled by all that you've done Into the abyss will I run
You don't know what your power has done to me I want to know if I'll heal inside I can't go on with a holocaust about to happen Seeing you laughing another time You'll never know how your face has haunted me My very soul has to bleed this time Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses Leaving me breathless, the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know That I am crippled by all that you've done Into the abyss will I run
Into the abyss will I run
You walk on like a woman in suffering Won't even bother now to tell me why You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment Leaving me broken another time You come on like a bloodstained hurricane Leave me alone, let me be this time You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption I don't want to mention, the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know That I am crippled by all that you've done Into the abyss will I run
Into the abyss will I run I can't let you go Yes I am stricken and can't let you go
Quote: Never again will I be dishonored
And never again will I be reminded
Of living within the world of the jaded
They kill inspiration
It's my obligation
To never again, allow this to happen
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
Denying the sin
My art, my redemption
I carry the torch of my fathers before me
The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I won't make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
Change again, cannot be considered
I rage again, dispelling my anger
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
My art, my redemption, my only salvation
I carry the gift that I have been blessed with
My soul is adrift in oceans of madness
Repairing the rift that you have created
I am not alone, brothers, give me your arms now
The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I won't make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm no slave
Are you feeling brave?
Or have you gone out of your mind?
No more games
It won't feel the same
If I hold my anger inside
There's no meaning
My soul is bleeding
I've had enough of your kind
One suggestion, use your discretion
Before you label me blind
The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I won't make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
Quote: If this is the pain that comes with closeness . . then guess what? I never want it again
So you're going to be a miserable old maid? That would be pretty stupid as well .. to shut yourself of from a future rewarding and fulfilling relationship and/or marriage.
Why don't you try becoming a person who can be happy and have a successful relationship, Emily? I wouldn't still be posting to you if I didn't believe you could do it. Make the decision to change.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: So you're going to be a miserable old maid? Who said anything about being miserable???? That would be pretty stupid as well .. to shut yourself of from a future rewarding and fulfilling relationship and/or marriage.
So maybe my marriage is over.
It's been over for 9 months . . . what's new? I'm not over. My life certainly isn't over. It's time to rise above this broken marriage and move on.
Next week he'll get a slap in the face, when he has to start paying for the girls. GOOD! I'll start having an income . . . well sort of. No where to go but up. WOW . . . I was just so scared and panicky . . I was telling myself I can't do it. But I won't be without help. . . for the next 19 years as long as I have my girls . . I'll have help. That may sound like a deciding factor . . but it really isn't. It's just a realization . . that I don't really have to do this all on my own. After next week he WILL be made to send money for clothing and diapers. Since he is making between $700 - $800 dollars a week . . I imagine I'll be getting more than the $300 a month I am getting now. Any one know where one of those handy calculator are???
Enough . . . is enough. I am done with him. I will NOT file for the D. I will not sign anything he gives me. I will make him wait. I will keep my options open. Most importantly . . . I will NOT talk to him. Not anymore.
I sure hope he finds peace and happiness. . . I sure hope I do to. I have a lot to work on. . . and yes I am scared to death . . .but damn it I will NOT let what has happened in my marriage hold me back. I know I have a lot more to push through. Momentary high on this CRAZY rollercoaster . . . and the craziness is only getting started. Next week it's the support conference. Then on the 27 it will be in depth testing on Kiya . . I'm scared of going through that alone *as in without him* . . . . but . . . there is nothing I change about it.
The ball is in his court . . . it has been. I think he's dropped it . . . but damn it . . I'm not doing the work anymore. I'm walking alone from here out.
I like a lot of that in your last post, Emily. Tell you what ... if you can go a month without talking to him or writing to us about how much you miss him, I'll send you $50. How about that?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: I like a lot of that in your last post, Emily. Tell you what ... if you can go a month without talking to him or writing to us about how much you miss him, I'll send you $50. How about that?
I sure hope he finds peace and happiness. . . I sure hope I do to.
you will honey just give yourself time.Let me tell you part of my history so you never think about leetin ghte pain you are in force you to give your girls to Kevin. Yes no two men are alike BUT I will share my horror story with you so that you can see that even though you may only be scraping by it is better when real love is present,, the LOVE I Know you have for your little angels.
I trusted my XH to have my boys instead of 50/50 every other week to ,,, I had them in the summer and he had them during the school year. My H and I in the beginning had to travel alot so I thought it best that my boys stay here with their DAD in our hometown. Well I remember the day I picked up my boys for summer break.... They were emaciated and I am not exaggerating at all. They were not allowed to eat certain foods and no fat b/c their new stepmom had had Cancer of some sort and felt it in their best interests. Sometimes my boys were not allowed to eat dinner if they misbehaved,,, they were so hungry sometimes they would eat DOG FOOD. Or their little bodies {{ they were 11 and 9 at the time}} craved sugar so they would "SNEAK" honey on ice cubes. I trusted my Xh and his new Wife after all they are Christians and I also love God so why worry... I was painfully very wrong and they deceived me and also beat my children with a belt the stepmom would hold them down while their Dad " knocked sense into them". When my boys told me these stories and many more which would take too long to post I cried and cried and cried some more. My Husband who I am still married to now was in shock when he saw my boys. You could see every rib and their little faces were hollow.At the time my H and I were struggling and our little ones were in Mexico with my Inlaws. We lived in a bad part of St. Louis and our apartment probably should have been condemened ( sp) and we actually had rats. My boys were so happy to be with my H and I even in those conditons. And you know how God provided for me,, I was already working for a Restaurant at the time I picked my boys up for the summer and even though they were close to an age where I could have let them saty at home alone ,i worked @ 70 to 80 hours a week and my bosses let me bring my boys every day to work.
It was a big restaurant and the boys would help with set up etc. etc and then stay there all day with me. God will provide for you Honey just have faith. Look for the blessings... they will come. Hang in there and I am glad you are ready to fight for your life again.. do not ,,, do not give up. I still have my G-darn stilettos and I will kick your a#%. well not really but you know what I mean sweetie. Love you honey,,, you can do this. I promise you .. you can.. GOD BLESS...
ditto for me,, on the 50 dollars after all I did promise you some stillettos and seeing as you can barely manage flip flops the 50 dollars will be so much better. Love you ,,, you can do anything you put your mind to. GOD BLESS you... I would like to see you grow more and not be angry anymore even though it is understandble given your situation. I would like you to find peace
.... also pray for Kevin as he is the Father of your children ,pray for yourself and your little angels too.
....but stop letting him hurt you and control you. That is my wish for you this month.
God bless and I will keep checking on you. I do read your sitch daily but I do not always post 'cause you get such great advice from the veterans.
....hang in there,,,
I believe in you and so do many others here.
well not really but you know what I mean sweetie. 
