I was 4-5 when my parents split, I was 'given' to my paternal grandparents. They really didn't want me either. My father was - a loser! He of course wanted the party life, being 22-23 years old. My mother was a year younger, having had me at 17.
I never saw her again after the divorce. She had apparently died sometime around when I was 17. I spent a lot of my life wondering if she would have liked me if she had been able to know me. I have no memory of her, but I still miss her.
I wondered my whole life how SHE must have felt, being forced to give me up. I thik she was devastated.
Emily, I know it's hard right now and you feel like you are lower than dirt. Everything seems bleak and like the sun won't rise tomorrow. I know you feel alone and scared.
I understand how you feel. When I was 20 I lived for several months in a rooming house in a small town, where the other 'renters' were basically drunk old guys living of their social security and they loved to yell half the night, or leave their hotplates on and almost cause fires.
But, it was all I could afford. I had tried to go to college but I exhausted my meager funds. I needed to take some time to regroup, try to save money. I had no family to turn to so this was my fate.
When I moved in, the bathroom sink was black with filth. Nobody had cleaned the toilet in years.
I felt pretty scared and worthless.
So, I cleaned the bathroom. I ate a lot of peanut butter sandwiches. I worked the night shift at McDonalds. Me, a brilliant technological genius, even at 20, but with no self esteem. It seemed pretty dark then.
But I had two guardian angels who always pick me up when I fall down. Because of them, I'm always OK. Always. For all the ups and downs in my life, I have eventually come out of the bad times better than I went into them. Even now. Because of them.
I'm lending them to you for a while. They'll pick you up when you fall, and they don't need to be fed, being angels and all. They should be there any minute. You'll know when they are, you can feel it.
Emily, you're are one of my heros. I wish my mom was half the woman you are, so I could have been with her growing up. She wasn't though. She abandoned me and ran away. And I know it hurt her as much as it hurt me.
Your children are SO lucky, that even after all the crap life has thrown at you - you are there for them. The love is overflowing and they receive such a wonderful gift from you every day. They know that nobody will ever love them like you do.
I know you aren't going to take that away from them.
It's time to stand up and dust yourself off. Do ANYTHING that has to be done to get financial and spiritual help. Call Social Services. Go to your local church. Use the resources of other people on this board to help you navigate through the system. It was created for just this kind of situation.
Amy knows the system and I'm sure others can help too. There has to be other moms on this board that have found themselves in tough financial situations like this and figured out how to get through it.
Most of all, when your kids go to sleep tonight take the time to look in on them, and watch them sleep. See the peacefulness thay have because you are ever vigilant, ever watchful, ever nurturing. Nothing bad will happen to them on your watch.
And remember to rely on the guardian angels I sent you to help you up when you don't feel like standing up. They will never let you down. I promise.
